Foz's Return and a Special Announcement

My Dear Dearies,

Did you think Your Old Pal Foz had forgotten you? Of course not. Your Pals love you in a very special way - the way cats love dogs, or the way TV loves Mariah Carey.

That's why we are announcing FOZ THE HOOK'S VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! It is a CHRISTMAS SPECIAL starring Your Favorite Band FtH, Your Favorite Comic Cameron Esposito, Your Favorite Torch Songbird Marilyn Summers, and Your Favorite [to be announced]!!! Join us on Wednesday night, December 22nd at Cole's. We will present your Christmas pageant right before the regular Cole's Comedy Open Mic. The show begins at 8:30, and the open mic begins right on time at 9:30. Stand by for more and better details on Foz the Hook's Very Special Christmas Special. Put it on you calendar, because this may be your last chance to have a Christmas that Doesn't Suck!

In the meantime join FtH tonight for their triumphant return to the comedy open mic. We haven't seen you for a couple of weeks, so be prepared for a vigorous session of musical love making. We promise to play all of your favorites so you can get warmed up for a long night of ass-laughing(off).

It is so nice to be back! Now drop trow and get to Cole's, cutie pies!

Dream Granny

You already know about tonight’s Foz the Hook Freakshowcase. It starts at 9:00, it is at Cole’s, which is at 2338 N. Milwaukee Avenue in America, Maria Wojciechowski plays hilarious music, Jason Earl Folks tells great jokes, Mark Rector tells a fantastic ghost story, and You Pals, FtH rock your blocks off funnily.

That’s not what we are talking about right now. You see, I had another dream.

I was preparing to go to a funeral in Springfield, and I had rented a really swell car. Initially I was pretty put-out because it looked like I was going to have to drive a bunch of people I did not know, which would kill the buzz of having a swell car, because, you know, they were all going to a funeral.

It is like when you have to drive to the office picnic, and that weird guy from accounting wants to ride along, even though you were hoping the slutty girl from marketing or the H.R. lady who is always having office affairs would be in your car. And then you can’t even drink, because you are driving.

Yeh, it was like that.

So finally everything is ready and we leave for Springfield. Dad is driving and I am sitting in the passenger seat. No one else is driving with us. Dad drives like a maniac, and since we are driving through Illinois, there are tons of huge mountains with narrow roads and switchback curves. I told Dad that I had made this drive before, and I would be happy to drive. He said he was doing fine. He was doing fine. He was also doing about 95.

Here comes the only “psychological” part of the dream. Even though Dad was driving like a maniac, I felt totally safe, because I was riding with Dad. Thanks Dad!

Anyway, we got to Springfield, which was a small Baptist church in the middle of Kansas with wheat and sunflowers everywhere. When we pulled up and parked in the gravel parking lot, NPR was just finishing a story on the radio, and for transitional music for the next story they played a song called Sound Chaser by the 1970’s prog rock band, Yes. They played the whole 9 minute song. This might have been the most impressive part of my dream: during my dream last night I listened to Sound Chaser all the way through, with all the parts and changes and breakdowns. Nothing weird happened (so to speak). I just sat in the car listening to the song, and really enjoying myself.

Then it was time to go see Granny. Granny wasn’t dead. Someone else was dead. Granny was sitting in the undercroft of the church sipping tea. I asked her how her “outsider art” project was going, and she said she had thrown the whole thing out because it was so Goddamn derivative of 1960’s hippie bullshit, and she was sick of all the hipsters and hangers-on bothering her. She was still confident that she could cough something up before the deadline though.

Now it was time to see the dead guy. We went into the chapel and the coffin was up by the alter, of course. There was reedy organ music, actually a bandoneon, playing in the background.

Here comes the part you have been waiting for, the musical set up of the church.

The bandoneon player lay on his back on an organ bench, playing the squeeze box up in front of his chest. On his chest sat a decorative kind of brace. There was another brace on his legs, and sitting on top of the braces, the coffin. So you would walk up to the coffin (closed) to pay respects, and down below your waist, beneath the decedent’s head, was this old guy playing a squeeze box. You would walk up to the dead guy, and there’s this old dude down by your belt buckle saying “Hi. How ya doin’?” I wanted to ask him about the coffin sitting on his chest. Was it heavy? Did he do this often? Was he the regular bandoneon guy for this church? But you can’t ask those sorts of questions at a funeral.

You have to be respectful.

OK, see you at Cole’s later. Buy me a drink. Bring a psychologist.

Love you, Granny.

Fantasy Freakshowcase!

As you all know, Old Foz uses the Fozblog to share his deepest dreams and psychoses with all lovers of Foz the Hook. In the past we have talked about our old roomie in Ashley Goes to Jail, and you have helped me get over my fear of getting executed in Curious Brittany Dream. We will not dwell on my several barely disguised crushes on the funniest ladies in Chicago.

But today I will share a sick fantasy that is going to come true. Next Monday night, All Souls Day, Dia De Los Muertos, Your Pals will be hosting a Freakshowcase with the amazingly funny music of Maria Wojciechowski, and the comedy of the Annoyance Theater's lovely Jason Earl Folks. Maria will be reprising some of the fantastic Uke-centric comic songs she brought to the Cole's Comedy Open Mic last summer. Jason will be doing his great stand-up set, and will be performing the much anticipated re-birth of "The Dinosaur Song."

You won't want to miss any of it. Here are the Details:

When: Monday, November 1 at 9:00.

Where: Cole's, 2338 N. Milwaukee, in the Logan Square area of America.

How Much: Free

Why: Because all of your sickest fantasies will come true.*

I can't wait to see you there.

* No sick fantasies will be fulfilled, you creep.

George C. Scott

Dear Cole's,

By now you probably know that Your Pals in Foz the Hook will be resurrecting the Freakshowcase on November 1st, featuring Maria Wojciechowski! on the bill with her band. You will also see Jason Earl Folks doing comedy with his long-anticipated re-debut of "The Dinosaur Song." It should go without saying that your pals will then rock out the room. But also remember that Foz and Friends will be spinning Scary Ghost Stories, in honor of the "Halloween That Might Have Been." It all starts at 9:00, and it will be scary.

Which brings us to the topic of scary movies. Earlier this week (actually 13 minutes ago on Facebook), Foz's Ole Pal, Mark, requested suggestions for a scary movie because this is October. Everybody wants to be scared.

I suggested The Changeling, a 1980 film by Peter Medak, starring George C. Scott. Without giving anything away, let me just say that George C. Scott goes to live in a scary house, and baby ghosts are assholes. But the process of finding it out is what is most fun. Creepy.

Speaking of creepy, Cole's, get on out to Cole's tonight for the Wednesday night Comedy Open Mic, featuring Adam Burke as host. Foz the Hook begins their opening set at 8:45 or 9:00 (depending on The List). Adam and the comics go on at 9:15 or 9:30 (depending on the list).

I'll see you there, beautiful. Just don't bring that creepy baby of yours. Gives me the willies!

Did you Know That We Play Music?

I sometimes wonder if we make it clear on this giddy little publicity resource that one of the things that Your Pals in Foz the Hook do is play music on musical instruments. This can get lost in the ranting narrative of whiskey-fevered dreams, not-so-subtle crushes on our favorite lady comics, and Old Foz's persistent fetishism over roller derby athletes. But when we find time, you will often find us writing and performing music.

Which brings us to today's topic. On the first anniversary of setting up a MySpace page for the band, we have finally gotten around to uploading some scratch recordings of some of your favorite FtH songs. Now you can listen to them any time you want, provided you don't mind your friends knowing that you sometimes go to MySpace. These recordings were made over the past years at Dan's Shack recording facility, in Logan Square, and at the now legendary Busted By the Boss sessions at Work.

So listen up. That's what the Internet is for (and porn).

Oh, I almost forgot: COLE'S! COLE'S! COLE'S! TONIGHT! TONIGHT! TONIGHT! That's right, kittens, make it to the show tonight for Foz's magnificent "Birthday Boy" set! It's the same set we always play, but you buy Foz drinks, and try to make him pass out before his birthday starts at midnight. Then you can have the satisfaction of having given him a hangover for his birthday gift.

That is what you have been waiting for. Isn't it, ladies?

Be at Cole's by 8:30 for an 8:45 or 9:00 curtain (depending on The List).

Get Freaky Tonight

The radio tells us that due to the economy almost 10% of us do not have jobs. Which means a bunch of you have nowhere to be tomorrow morning!

Get out of the house tonight! See a free show! Let your good-for-nothing friends, Foz the Hook, enable you to drink PBR's and hit on other unemployed people. Remember, he or she has no reason to get out of bed tomorrow either! So just ask. I bet you get laid. Here are the details.

It's free!

It starts at 9:00

It features Your Pals Foz the Hook.

it features Your Sweetheart Ever Mainard (pictured above in her Belly Dancer get-up).

It features Your Other Favorite Comedy Band Lola Balatro.

It's free!

And it's at Cole's - 2338 N. Milwaukee, in America.

We'll see you there.

Lola Land!

Well, FozFreaks, Foz the Hook's Freakshowcase is coming up next Monday night, October 4, at 9:00 p.m. at Cole's.

Now, Your Buddy Foz introduces you to a lot of swell people. Do you remember the time I introduced you to my brother-in-law's hermaphrodite hooker, and how you had such a great time reading the hermaphrodite hooker's treatment for a feature-length adaptation of America's Next Top Model, but it all takes place in a concentration camp, but Hogan plays Colonel Klink and Werner Klemperer is naked the whole time? Do you remember that? That was one funny hermaphrodite!

Which brings us to Lola Balatro. They're a band called Lola, but they look like this (see that above). They're also hilarious, they're damngood, and they know how to write funny songs about spoiled meat. As you know FtH has no songs about spoiled meat - only Cheese Jesus.

Seriously! We can't wait to play with these guys. We also can't wait to share a bill with our old friend, Ever Mainard.

This is what the Freakshowcase is about, my friends. Be at Cole's at 9:00 on Monday night for a free and fantastic night of rockin' comedy.

The Freakshowcase is Sooner Than You Think!

and that is when you are going to meet your new best friend, Ever Mainard. Check out Ever here as she lets you have it! She knows how to soften a tough crowd (the secret is to chew on them, like dried beef).

Now, I know you remember Ever from previous FozBlog postings. She has been performing with the comics at Cole's for more than a year. She comes highly recommended by Your Hero, Cameron Esposito. But you remember her most for her terrific "Homeless Men With Boners" bit that inspired Foz the Hook's summer hit, "Spring in the Square." That song is currently in the shop for repairs, but Ever's bit has grown in hilarity with continued exposure.

Ever will join Your Friends With Benefits, FtH, next Monday, October 4 at Cole's for the third installment of FtH's Freakshowcase. This is the only reason to come out on Monday nights, but it is a good one.

Time: 9:00 p.m.
Place: Cole's
Price: Free
Reason: Because you, like Your Good Buddies FtH, are sweet on Ever Mainard.

We hope she continues to wear this Slingblade shirt that has become part of her look lately. Very Sexy!

Not the Only Blog on the Internet!

Finally! Someone else used the Internet to set up a web log, or "blog," if you will. You all know that Your Pal Foz has long advocated that the Internet could be used for communication of ideas, as well as finding anonymous glory hole hookups.

Now Mo Welch (pictured here tittering at the glory hole joke I made), a funny comic, has set up a blog as part of her Mo Welch Web site.

Of particular note is this post, wherein Mo discusses the hugely popular Foz the Hook Freakshowcase that occurred back on September 6. There is even video of Mo doing a great performance that evening. Thank you for the kind words, Ms. Mo.

Final analysis: If you think you want to be Friend of Foz, you should give serious thought to being a Friend of Mo. It's because she's funny.

Thank you again, Mo, for joining the Freakshowcase on Labor Day.

The next Freakshowcase takes place on Monday, October 4, at Cole's. This most excellent program will feature Foz the Hook along with Featured Friends Lola Balatro, and comic Ever Mainard.

It is your favorite thing to do.

Take Me Back

Ok, Cole's, we should probably talk about this now that we're both a little more clear headed and sober. We both know that when Foz's Old Nemesis Vodka comes around things get a little crazy.

So yes, you found this photograph of Your Best Fella, Old Foz, at the show last night during the hot-n-bothered Comedy Open Mic. I admit that it is hard to explain this sort of thing away, but I'll try - and you have to promise not to get mad(der).

You see, I had to get naked because my undershirt was chafing me, and I couldn't concentrate while playing Cheese Jesus. Now, you wouldn't want Old Foz to chafe during the set and ruin a fun evening for everybody in the room. Really, are you that selfish?

OK, second, because I was chafing I asked my physician, Dr. Nakedlady, to prescribe a cure. Now everybody knows that the cure for chafing or loneliness is to drink a fifth of vodka from the bottle. You wouldn't want me to not follow my doctor's advice, would you? Sometimes I wonder about you.

Well, of course, the chafing was on my back, so I had to find someone to rub the vodka bottle - the cold, sweating, icey-hot vodka bottle - against my chafed back. I had to ask my doctor to do it, because you wouldn't do it, Cole's, because you just couldn't wait to see Jason Earl Folks tell his story about the bear. Tell me this, Cole's, what's going on between the two of you anyway? You're always talking about how funny Jason Earl Folks is, and then you run to the back room to see him perform when I'm trying to recite poetry to you at the bar. And how come you suddenly take up smoking when Jason Earl Folks goes outside after his set? I don't even think this is really about me. I think it's about you and your crush on Jason Earl Folks.

So, let's not hear anymore about the naked picture of Old Foz in the arms of Vodka-besotted Dr. Nakedlady. Enough!

Wait! No! I didn't mean it. I'm drunk. See, here's the vodka. It's not me talking. Please Please Please take me back. I can't live without you! I know deep in your heart you love me tooooo. Oh, Nooooooooo. Please stay! I can change! Pleaseee give Old Foz one more chance. We've had some laughs, haven't we?

In a Smokey Room.

A deputation of noted citizens appeared at Cole's recently. They came looking for Your Old Buddy Foz.

The distinguished gentlemen entered Coleman Brice's establishment on a bright Tuesday afternoon, hats in hand, and inquired after Your Buddy. Travis Bartender nodded wordlessly to the back of the bar.

They walked quietly, tentatively, to the room that was dense with cigar smoke and piano music.

Old Leon "Smoked Salmon" Strokes sat at the piano, working out some new chords to his old Brian Eno bit. He stopped briefly to sip from his whiskey on the rocks and returned to the keyboard.

Old Patrick and Young Leah mulled over a brace of Domain DuPage pints, mooning the way young lovers do.

Your Pal Foz sat quietly at at a back table, dressed down to his shirtsleeves, his tie at half-mast, and his Martini half-full. A thoroughly marked-up bar napkin spread out before him seemed ready to fall apart under the burden of fractured verse and bourbon-soaked tears. Tears shed for The People.

Around Your Trusted Friend hovered his usual security entourage of fourteen roller derby thugs. They rolled toward this deputation of gentlemen with a significance that could not be ignored, and the linoleum floor creaked ominously under 112 dangerous wheels.

With a wave of his hand Your Hero calmed the Paladinas, and they grudgingly made way for the intimidated band of worthies. They approached the table, glancing uncomfortably at the Bar Napkin of Truth spread out on the table before Old Foz.

Their news was not new, nor was their mission unexpected. Mayor Richard M. Daley had finally determined that the City of Chicago was too much for him. The reigns of power had grown warm for the now-old Young Pharaoh, and he was fleeing for greener pastures.

What then, for the The People? Who would lead? Who would assume the mantel, take up the heavy burden, and bring peace and prosperity to a city groaning under The Heel of tyranny? Bloodshot eyes, and heavy, hopeless hearts turned to the one Man who could bring a new dawn. A dawn made hopeful with a glow golden as the bourbon stains on Coleman Brice's table.

Your Pal listened quietly to the humbled representatives of a damaged populace. He thanked them for their trust, and promised a response after mature consideration of his responsibilities, his family, his correspondence, and his art.

Old Foz returned to his bar napkin as the roller girls quickly guided the deputation of noted citizens to the door.

What will be Old Foz's decision? Will he accept nomination and election for Mayor of Chicago? Will The People's pleas bend his heart toward taking up the Great and Grim Responsibility of governance? Is there a bar on the fifth floor of City Hall?

On the answers to these questions the fate of the city depends.

Until that Decision is taken, Your Special Friends in Foz the Hook will continue to shake the world of Cole's every Wednesday night in conjunction with the hottest comics in Chicago at Cole's Comedy Open Mic. Join Adam Burke, Cameron Esposito(!), Mo Welch, Matt Slater, and so many others at Cole's tonight.

Foz the Hook starts the amazing set at 8:45 or 9:00 (depending on The List), and Adam tickles your psyche at 9:15 or 9:30 (depending on The List).

So join us at Cole's tonight.

FtH can neither confirm nor deny at this time, as consistent with our well known, and publicly expressed, policies (and opinions) whether Your Pal Foz will be, or currently is, the mayor of Chicago.

Now let us mix Martinis and drink to the health of The Republic!

Freakshowcase, Babies!

Hey, Freak-kittens! Your Secret Lovers in Foz the Hook want you to know that your desperate pleas for comedy on Labor Day Night are going to be answered.

You knew you were going to BBQ on Labor Day. You knew you were going to sit in the sun with your friends. You knew you were going to drink light beer and play that game where you throw bean bags at a bike ramp with a hole in it. You suspected that the lawn darts game would result in an ambulance ride (and you were right). You knew deep inside that Her Drunk Friend would not go off behind the bushes with you, although what the two of them did do when that Katy Perry song played was pretty awesome.

You knew that the neighbors who hired the Mariachi band would probably have more fun than you did. They always do. You suspected that the pinata you bought at Costco would be filled with off-brand candy that made your kids sick.

You knew that changing from light beer to Vodka Gimlets before Noon would bring up the ceviche you ate for breakfast (along with the chicken wings you found sitting on the counter from last night). And you knew that your friend from college that you rarely see would bring harsh ditch weed that you will smell in the curtains of The Baby's room for weeks. Thank goodness you had the foresight to send the kid to Grandma's.

But after all that, what do you do with your Labor Day evening? You passed out at at 3:00 in the afternoon from the ditch weed, which means you won't be sleeping tonight. Well, come on out to Cole's for Foz the Hook's Monthly Freakshowcase!

The Show starts at 9:00. You know where Cole's is at 2338 N. Milwaukee in Chicago, America. See the Freaks!

See Mo Welch's Barbie-inspired stand-up mania!

See Matt Slater's amazing musical stand-up set!

See Your Favorite Band, FtH play cheerful songs about shame and disgrace!

What a great way to wrap up a long weekend, before you go back to work on Tuesday. Remember to buy new curtains for the Kid's room before Grammy brings her home and smells the overwhelming Harsh in the nursery.

You knew all along it would work out like that.

So What is a Band Anyway?

Sit down and put on your smoking jackets, gents. Perhaps the ladies wish to mix themselves drinks and join us in the lounge for a philosophical discussion on the nature of music theory and practice.

Now, we all know that Foz the Hook's Monthly Freakshowcase scheduled for Labor Day will be so mind-blowingly amusing that the possibility of the audience ending the evening in chastity is just not realistic. Let's face it people, we're all going to get laid. It's in the cards.

What I wish to discuss is the nature of the act that will fill the B-slot on the program. I speak, of course, about Matt Slater and his insertion (see above paragraph) in the evening as a band. We all know that Matt is by nature a comic. He doesn't sing, play an instrument, or spin discs - as far as we know - so how is it that Matt shows up to the gig as a band?

Part of it has to do with the fact that Your Pals in FtH are backing up Matt's act with some music. Patrick, especially, is providing a pounding driving percussive intensity (See Paragraph 2) to Matt's mighty package of jokes. But that's a small part of the deal. Time, of course, is a major element of music, and timing is a major element in comedy. The two concepts are closely related. Old Foz argues that they are the same. There isn't much difference in the sensitivity to time, to silence, and to emotion required of a good musician and a good comic.

To paraphrase Clausewitz "Comedy is music by other means." Matt has a feel for this, and I wager that when he mocks Jamaicans or makes sexual advances upon your mother (spoiler alert!), you will find it all the more amusing for being accompanied by FtH.

So, make plans to join us on Labor Day Night for the debut of Matt Slater's Amazingly Amusing Music Comedy Set. You will also watch Mo Welch rock your world with her fab stand up set. And, of course, Your Sexual Surrogates, Foz the Hook, will rock your evening home with Drunk Astronauts, Gin-Soaked Yankees, Nasty Snowmen, and other cheerful songs about Shame and Disgrace.

Wear clean undies and bring protection, because there will be happy endings for everybody.

Now, let us mix another round and discuss Euclid and Dildos.

A Major Re-Tooling!

First, a big hat tip to Caitlin Brice of The Splendid Ape for another great video referral.

Now, my darlings, a word or two about the (donkey) jaw-dropping show you saw at Cole's last night. We promised you much, and we delivered. Didn't we? Sure, we all missed Leon "Tigerfish" Strokes and his big-ass bass parts - Old Leon was debuting his other new band "Super Fortress" over at Quenchers - but Miss Maria Wojciechowski jumped right in with her tenor ukulele and angel harmonies, and Your Pals managed to burn down the room anyway.



I mean, "wow!" Is that what you're thinking too? I believe it is. Wow! That was really great. And Patrick's percussion parts on washboard and donkey jaw provided the perfect backup to the uke-duo of Foz and Maria Wojciechowski.

So this morning I announce a major re-tooling of the band. No, Maria Wojciechowski is not replacing Old Foz (that was just a sweet dream you had). She is off to create her own amazing act which will be featured on the November Freakshowcase. The major re-tooling is that FtH is going to change to an 80's Post-ABBA Finnish pop band format. Check out our first video above. Let me know what you think as long as you think it's awesome.

Thanks again Caitlin, for the inspiration.

And everybody else, give it up for Maria Wojciechowski who helped FtH blow-up Cole's last night. We should do that again sometime because it was fun.

Tonight! Uke-Mania at Cole's!!!

It's tonight, my lovelies! Tonight is the big Foz the Hook Alternative to a bass player gig at Cole's Comedy Open Mic!

Maria Wojciechowski! joined Patrick and Foz last night to work up a brain-frying set of ukulele grind. Trust Your Old Pal. This one will make you hoot like an owl - a VERY amused owl.

So join Your Buddies from FtH (-1) and add Maria Wojciechowski! tonight at 8:45 or 9:00 depending on The List.

It's Cole's Comedy Open Mic. The funniest thing going on Wednesday night. So come on out why don't you?

Love,

Foz

Guess Who is our Guest?

It's a swell ukulele player who is developing quite a following with the young people these days. Many of the the old blue-haired dowagers are gasping in horror at this artist's hot moves and scalding uke-riffs. And the ladies go wild.

Yes, my superbabies, tomorrow night at Cole's Foz the Hook Minus Leon-Who-Has-To-Play-Another-Show welcomes that great American phenom, [Fanfare]

Maria Wojciechowski!

Do NOT be alarmed that Maria's StarMeter is down 44%. Anybody can run afoul of Perez Hilton. Dimmer stars have recovered from worse. Anyway, if you haven't seen The Saints of Mt. Christopher Maria plays Cute Girl. And Your Buddies FtH are going to show you why!

Maria will join Foz and Patrick tomorrow for a special Uku-centric show at Cole's Comedy Open Mic. There will be more on that later, but if you like any of the following:

Maria Wojciechowski! - Foz - Patrick - FtH - Elvis - Ukuleles - donkey jaws - washboards - America - Cameron - Adam - Comedy - etc...

you will want to be at Cole's tomorrow night!

PS: Elvis is opening. He begged us. It was actually pretty sad.

Return of the Nasty Snowman!

Hat tip to Badders.com , a badminton site for this amazing photo of Osama the Nasty Snowman. This is exactly what Old Foz was thinking about when he wrote that tune.

Do you feel a breeze? Is that a snow storm coming? The temperature in Chicago went below 80 degrees yesterday, and it might not make it to 80 today. Or it might make it to 90.

But we know that winter is just around the corner, and that is why Your Pals in Foz the Hook have worked up a Winter Wonderland suite for you. Come and hear the special set we worked up just for you tonight at Cole's. It will include romantic winter songs like Nasty Snowman and Downhome Chistmastime - songs you haven't heard since you were drinking to forget the cold weather. Now you can cool off to them while you drink to forget the hot weather.

Thank you, weather! We like booze, and you give us all sorts of reasons to drink.

Last week we got a special request for Sex For Christmas. But why wait for Christmas for sex? FtH says why not get some Christmas cookies right now?

What Your Buddy Foz is saying is that tonight will be yet another unforgettably wonderful Wednesday night at Cole's Comedy Open Mic. Adam Burke is back in town, and we expect to see him tearing up the joint. Cameron Esposito usually hosts, but this Esposito-Burke pair is all about teamwork. Who knows what surprises await.

Come cool off at Cole's tonight at about 8:30, snow kittens. Foz the Hook changes your life at 8:45 or 9:00 (depending on The List), and the comics get under your skin at 9:15 or 9:30.

Seriously, you're going to love FtH's funny snow set tonight.

I'm Not Blaming You

I'm just saying that these things happen, and it's ok. I know. You went to Cole's last week with the best intentions. You were going to be good. You were going to have one PBR (maybe two), do your thing if you're a comic, and go to bed early.

And then they started buying you drinks. And Travis Bartender is so dashing with that baritone voice of his - "want another?"

"Sure," you said. I've got time.

And then you started in on the Martinis - Vodka Martinis. You knew it was wrong, but everybody was laughing and having such a good time and s/he kept looking your way and smiling and you started to talk with this woman-or-man (because FtH doesn't assume), and you wanted to celebrate the surprise ruling on the Prop 8 thing, even though it doesn't apply to you (because you'll probably never get married at all), and then it all just went fuzzy.

The next thing you remember was the walk of shame through the glaring light of a 90 degree Chicago day, with everybody you saw on the street just staring and judging you - you presumed.

The only advice Your Old Pal Foz has is maybe you don't want to put that on Facebook. Grandma doesn't need to know that. We'll keep it between us.

But now the question before you: do you try it again? Do you risk another disgrace because you know can't control yourself when Cameron Esposito and the comics at Cole's start rattling the rafters? You know you can't make good judgments once Foz the Hook gets your blood up. Do you risk another personal disaster? Twice in two weeks?

OF COURSE YOU DO!!!! It's Wednesday, and that means tonight you will be at Cole's with the contents of your change jar in your pocket laughing your scalp off with the best comics in town! Will Mo Welch be there again? James Fritz? Ryan Walker? Matt Slater? We hope and think so. What we know for sure is that Your Private Confidants, FtH, will be there to wind you up, enable you to make bad decisions, and not judge you about it.

That's Cole's, tonight at 8:45 or 9:00 depending on the list. Be there by 8:30. It goes all night, or until you wake up in a strange apartment. We don't judge.

I'm Not Blaming

Watch out for the Cross Post!

Listen Fozophiles, Your Old Buddy Foz is back from Kansas City, where he teamed up with his Old Chums in Bobby and the Chuxx for a weekend recording session. All went swimmingly, so I will simply let you read all about it over at ChuxxBlog.

In the meantime, here is a new sexy photo of your Huge Crush, Foz and his wingmen, Patrick and Leon from the never ending collection of awesome publicity pics by Erin Nekervis.

See you tomorrow night at Cole's, ladies.

Foz's Morning After Pill

Hey baby. Baby. Baby!

You're laying on Foz's arm, sweetie. No no. It's ok. Let me just... There we go. No, beautiful, you just go on back to sleep. It's all ok.

You're in my apartment.

Foz.

Foz.

Yeh, from that band you saw last night. The guy in the suit. Yeh. Man! That was a great show, don't you think? Cameron Esposito was her usual fantastic self. The Band of a Thousand Names is a great act. I hadn't seen them before. You were really rockin it out. Weren't you?

No! You wanted to. I mean, you had a few drinks, but there weren't any roofies involved or anything.

Foz.

I'll make you some eggs or something.

Oh. Ok. Yes sure, well then....

I think they're on the kitchen floor. That's where it started.

Sure you don't want any...?

Hey! let's exchange numbers. I'll call you and we'll...

Oh. Ok. Well, you know we play tomorrow night at Cole's Comedy Open Mic. Cameron Esposito hosts, and great comics like Adam Burke and James Fritz and Mo Welch are always there. Starts at 9. Come on out and I'll buy you a....

Oh. Yeh, that makes sense. Great town, Seattle. Everyone needs a change of scenery. I get out there sometimes. Maybe I'll drop you a...

Oh yeh. Ok.

Well.

Bye.

Freakshowcase

The Freakshowcase is coming this Monday night. Everything should be ready. Just bring cash for booze. The nonsense begins at 9:00 and will wrap by 11:30 or so.

Come and see

Foz the Hook: Cheerful songs about Shame and Disgrace.

Cameron Esposito: The sweatered comic who brought you Grab Them Aghast. (That link to Amazon means yes, you are supposed to go and buy Cameron's album. Now would be a good time).

Band of a Thousand Names: Thay're not your grandmother's parody band!

Be there before 9:00 because FtH is prompt, baby!

(Click on Patrick's poster to enjoy the full awesomeness).

A Lurid Disgrace!

Did you see how much Foz the Hook drank later tonight at Cole's? They were so wasted! Erin took this picture of them about ten hours from now. I think they closed the bar tomorrow morning.

Patrick was so drunk he is going to fall off his drum stool. Leon is going to forget how Cutie Pie! goes, and it only had like two notes.

Did you see Foz trying to flirt with Cameron? I seriously don't think he even knows. Not that his drunken slurring of minor Neruda poems would work on any woman. Ooooh - he memorized Poeme XX! Watch the ladies swoon. What a dork!

Shameful! Disgraceful!

If you want to see how Foz the Hook disgraced themselves tonight come to Cole's Comedy Open Mic at 8:00 or so. Sign up if you're a comic. FtH should began playing at 8:45 or 9:00 and host Cameron Esposito takes the stage at 9:15-9:30. Otherwise just toss back some $2 PBR's from Travis Bartender and knock yourself out. Don't try to buy the band drinks. They're cut-off.

The Greatest Show on Earth!

For the record, I think Tod Browning's 1932 film "Freaks" is a poignant and jarring commentary on the skewed obsessions that people have with concepts like Beauty and Normalcy. Any lover of great cinema should put it in their queue and watch it seriously. That said -

GOOBLE GOBBLE!

Check out Patrick's fantastic poster for Foz the Hook's upcoming Freakshowcase. The inclusion of the Rev. Jim Jones as a member of the band stands as proof that sometimes ideas are still funny after you get sober.

Join Your Old Pals on Monday, August 2 as we welcome the great Cameron Esposito, along with the Band of a Thousand Names to FtH's first monthly Freakshowcase at Cole's Bar. As always, the show is free of charge - something Messrs. Barnum and Baily cannot say of their show.

There will be more. But for now get your details from Patrick's poster.

Come out to Cole's Monday night and be ONE OF US!

There Will Be New Pics

Because they are here!

As you all know Foz the Hook's staff photog, Erin Nekervis, shot some sensational and scandalous pics of the band before the comedy open mic at Cole's a couple of weeks ago. I have seen them, and they are wonderful.

Thank you so much, Erin! I will post a few of them from time to time. I especially like this one, which shows my good side.

Ladies! If you want to see Foz's bad side come to Cole's tonight for the weekly comedy open mic. All of your favorite comics will be there. FtH open the show at 8:45 or 9:00, and CameronorAdam will tickle your hippocampus at 9:15 or 9:30. It doesn't really matter when it starts, because you will be there around 8:00 to buy the band drinks.

See you tonight!

A Billion Stars Out Tonight.

No time for blather, kittie cats. Tonight is Rich Zito's debut of NIGHT OF A BILLION STARS, at the Edge Comedy Club at the Chicago Center for the Performing Arts. Foz and the boys open the festivities at 8:30, and then Rich will host a night of comedy action involving the likes of Kent Haines, Lane Pieschel, Ever Mainerd, Dara Katz, Crish Sowa, and I don't know - like a billion other great comics.

Many Fascinating details are on the poster, which you will see right here.

It is Saturday. There are drinks. Come and see the show!

Cutie Pie!

Hey, kittens!

After almost a year of threats, I finally did the ten minutes of work needed to compose the bridge to the long-awaited Foz the Hook hit "Cutie Pie!" You will have to come to the show tonight to see us play the bridge, but here are the lyrics to the first, second, and fifth versus:


Hubba hubba,
Cutie Pie!

The song is empowering to women and establishes Old Foz's cred with Women's Studies majors and Roller Derby ladies.

I think you're going to love it. Especially if you like the Roller Derby like we do. Maybe the Windy City Rollers will make us their house band, and make Cutie Pie their anthem. They might do that. Or they might kill me dead.

Patrick thinks they're going to kill me dead.

Join FtH tonight at Cole's at 9:00 as we open the house for Cameron and Adam and every funny person in Chicago. If the list is long we might start early. This should not be a surprise. I suggest that you arrive by 8:00. That way, ladies, you can stake out a good seat any buy Old Foz a drink.

I think he likes you. Are you a Roller Derby lady? Oh yes, he likes you!

Are There Really a Billion Stars?

I suppose so. I've never counted. The real question is "Are there more stars than stacked turtles that all of existence balances on the backs of." But I don't know the answer to that either. I've never been able to count more than a few turtles at any one place at any one time.

Which brings us to your plans for Saturday night, Ms. Cutie Pie. Do you want to go out? There's going to be a swell night of funniness at The Edge Comedy Club at the Chicago Center for the Performing arts. Rich Zito is hosting A NIGHT OF A BILLION STARS, which features a peck of screaming good comics, such as Kent Haines from Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham," and Lane Pieschel from ABC's "Jimmy Kimmel Live National Comedy Championship," and Ever Mainard, the muse who inspired the FtH song Spring in the Square with her fine "Homeless Men With Boners" bit.

You know who else will be there? We will! Foz the Hook! Your best buddies and favorite band! We're playing! Playing, do you hear me! Oh, it's going to be awesome. We will be doing a set of greatest hits to open up the evening and make the room hot before the aforementioned stand-ups blow-out your brain plug like BP popping an oil balloon in the Gulf of Mexico. Who wouldn't want to do that?

It costs $12 at the door, and less if you talk to Rich, who will be at Cole's tomorrow night when we play there like we always do.

Read all the details here. I can't wait. In fact, I'm going to play the piano right now.

Will There Be New Pics?

We hope so.

After a frank consultation with FozMom it has been determined that Your Old Buddy Foz has failed to provide sufficient numbers of pictures or grandchildren. I thought that you Ladies would always enjoy the attached "All Belgians are Equal" head shot, but now I understand the importance of frequent updates and babies.

With an eye to addressing one or both problems tonight the talented and highly recommended Erin Nekervis will join FtH at Cole's to take some new publicity photos, and perhaps snap a few live action scenes of the evening's scandalous activities. The whole act, Foz, Leon, and Patrick are depending on Erin to catch some swell images of Your Favorite Band, so that You Ladies can swoon over our dreaminess.

Then, after the swooning, FtH will light up Cole's so that there is plenty of heat for Cole's Weekly Comedy Open Mic. It's the best comedy mic in town, so don't miss it. We think that the magnificent Cameron Esposito is back in town to host. If not, Good Old Adam Burke will escort you through and evening of brain-shredding laughter. FtH plays at 9:00! The comics go at 9:30. You can start drinking whenever Cole says it's ok, and it's always ok.

Be Safe This Holiday Weekend

Listen to your Old Pal Foz, my friends. I know how much fun it is to get a little wild while celebrating the 4th of July, but please be careful out there this weekend. Don't mix alcohol in if you wish to make safe fireworks. Just protect yourselves, that's all Foz is saying. Like it says here in an old favorite poster that Jeff Drake found, you can't beat the Axis if you get VD.

After you have your safe good times this weekend join FtH for some distinctly risky behavior at Cole's this coming Monday night, July 5th. Your Buddies begin playing at 9:00, and we go until we finish. So come on out to Cole's to put a cap on your holiday weekend. Your Crush Foz will be drinking whiskey, ladies, so get ready to make some poor life choices.

Foz's Metrosexual Preversion

Dear Honeybunches,

I can't wait to see you later tonight at Cole's, where we will sip Martinis and nibble Camembert. You see, Your Old Flame Foz got up this morning and decided to go full-on Metrosexual for tonight's comedy open mic.

Sadly, the medicine cabinet was bare of persimmon facial scrub, so I had to scrape my face with a cheese knife. I was out of eau de toilette, but I did go to the toilet, so I should be less irritable, if not overly scented when we hook up. Finally, I went in to the closet and there it was, my super sexy Anthropologie sale bin striped shirt that is kind of shiney. By the time I came back out of the closet I looked just like the fabulous Metro you see above.

Do you want to go see Sex and the City 2 before we go over to Cole's? No? (Thank Gawd!). You know I am up for anything you like, hot stuff. Just you wait here while I mess up my hair just enough to be seen in public. Then we'll be on our way.

Check out Cole's Comedy Open Mic tonight at Cole's. Foz the Hook opens the festivities at 9:00, and Adam Burke brings up the comics at 9:30. But beware! The last two weeks we have had so many amazing comics on the list that we had to start early, with FtH at 8:45, and Adam Burke at 9:15. It could happen again, so if you want to buy Foz a Cosmo, you had better be there by 8:30.

I'm not afraid to say I love you.

Which Rolling Stone Would You Sleep With?

I think we all just assume that Mick Jagger does dudes and dudettes, but this pic reminds us of how awesome The Stones' hair used to be. I mean, what self-respecting American man would refuse the chance to have wild, drug-fueled sex with Mick Jagger? Fortunately for the Great Republic of the West, the ratings for The Bachelor indicate that we do not have much self respect. That's why Mick sticks with the ladies when he's in America.

Speaking of ladies, Ladies! Your Old Boyfriend Foz will be playing tonight with the comics at Cole's Wednesday night open mic. There will be a sweet set list that will include not-too-many Rolling Stones tunes (actually none, which will be a relief to Patrick and Leon). Be there by 8ish to buy us drinks and sign up if you are a comic. Foz the Hook plays at 9:00! Cameron Esposito and Adam Burke and the comics crack you up at 9:30. Get some satisfaction, babies! Wooot!*

* I don't know what "Woot" means. Please let me know your opinions in the comments section below.

PS: Toy Story 3 is pretty good.
PPS: Was the post script inappropriate considering the "drug-fueled sex" nature of the rest of the post? Please let me know your opinions in the comments section below.

Foz the Hook's Amazing Recording Triumph!

Yes, my friends. We are the champions, my friends, and while it is likely that we will cease fighting well before the end (whenever that might be), to us, and to our sweet sweet beloved booze, we will be The Champions of the World. It's a big job. Here is a photo Foz singing FtH's huge hit, We Are the Champions back in the 70's. Those are Leon's hands in the background. He was five back then.

Did you know that Your Old Buddy Foz, and Your Buddies Patrick and Leon got together last Sunday and recorded six of your favorite FtH songs so that someday soon you will be able to listen whenever you want? Do you want to know which songs they were? Then you will have to come to Cole's tonight for our 9:00 opening set for Cole's comedy open mic. We will play the "recorded material"set just for you, babies.

Then your favorite comics, led by their charismatic cult leaders Cameron Esposito and Adam Burke, will spin wild tales of funny. You will laugh like a hydrangea!

Game Six!!!!!

I love Game Sixes! I think Game Sixes are always the best games. For some reason all-or-nothing showdowns in Game 7 seem to turn out to be blowouts.

But Game Sixes are always great. Somebody is always fighting to live one more day, while someone else knows if they don't put the other guy away, they might lose it all.

Illustrated above is a fine pic of one of the great games sixes in baseball history, the night in 1985 when Jorge Orta was safe at first and Kansas City broke the back of St. Louis. As we can see from the photo, Orta obviously beat stache guy (I think it was Todd Worrell) by so many steps that he was able to leap backwards off of first base, and almost beat the throw twice.

And, oh, to whatever broken-spirited Cards fan who photoshopped the fantasy championship pennant into the photo, why did you choose a photo of THIS play to illustrate your delusion? Why not a pic of Jack Clark dropping an easy foul pop? Why not a picture of the Cards scoring only once in the previous eight innings, thus putting your team in a position where an a blown call could hurt them? Why not a picture of the Cards failing to put the Royals away in Game 5?

Tonight the Chicago Blackhawks have a chance to put away the Flyers. I think it will probably be the greatest hockey game ever. And some free advice for the Blackhawks, "Don't give the Flyers five outs in the ninth inning if you are only up by one goal. They will likely take you up on that offer."

Yet, I am not going to watch (all of) it. Why?

Because I am going to be with you, beautiful! We'll drink a few beers at Cole's and watch Cameron Esposito or Adam Burke lead the Cole's Comics on a riotous adventure through the championship city. Old Leon and Old Patrick are working up their parts for Chelsea Dagger right now. So join Foz the Hook tonight at Cole's at 9:00 o'clock. The comics start at 9:30.

Unless you would prefer to watch Jorge Orta beat the Cards at hockey again.

I love games sixes!

Yea Black Hawk!

It's the Stanley Cup Finals and as of today the Chicago Blackhawks are up 3 games to 2 over the Philly Flyers! Yea!!

In honor the Chi squad, led by Winnipeg native Jonathan Toews (That's pronounced "Taves"), Your Old Buddy Foz dedicates this post to the story of the great (he was actually old and quite feeble) Illini chief (He was Sauk) Black Hawk!

Here's the story, so get ready to cheer a lot! In the summer of 1832 Chief Black Hawk led a band of desperately starving Sauk and Fox Native American folks (Old people, women and children!) across the Mississippi River from Ioway (Hawkeyes!) to his recently dispossessed lands in Illinois (Fighting Illini!). Being a not-overly-effective leader of people, Black Hawk did this without the permission of the new owners, the White American people (U.S.A.! U.S.A! U.S.A!). This was an unpopular move among the Whities.

Also, probably as a result of his oldness and feebleness (from starving!), Black Hawk did little to control the small number (50-75) of young thuggish "warrior" types that only wanted to make trouble for The White Man. Well, the Whites would probably have killed Black Hawk and all his pathetically starving people anyway, but once the young thugs killed off a few pioneer fams, and kidnapped some ladies (Ladies Night! Yea!), it was genocide time on the prairies of the Prairie State (Cue Chelsea Dagger!).

I won't go into all the details. That's what history books are for (Read a book; it's good for you). Let's just say that there weren't many starving women and children left by the time the U.S. Army got done doing it's thing (That's Army Strong!). I think most of the mean Indians who killed pioneer families got away. Old people are just easier to catch (Call your grandma today!).

That's all for today, my sexies. Meet Old Foz tonight, along with Leon "Black Fish" Strokes and Patrick, as Foz the Hook plays their monthly headliner at Cole's. Cole's, as you know is at 2338 N. Milwaukee. We're going to raise a toast to The Blackhawks - and Black Hawk! Exploit! Exploit! Exploit! Yeaaaaaaaaaaa. Exploit!

Foz's Hockey Triumph!

I played right wing for Cates Sheet Metal back in pee wee hockey days in Kansas.

Dustin Byfuglien of the Chicago Blackhawks also plays right wing. The Blackhawks are currently contending for the Stanley Cup, and lead the Philly squad 2 games to 1. The comparisons end there. Buff is from Minnesota.

Our coach for Cates Sheet Metal was also from Minnesota, or maybe Canada. I forget. For ten-year-old kids this guy was pretty much the coolest thing ever. He was maybe 22-23 years old, had a mullet and a pencil-thin mustache, and he worked at a rendering plant during the day while pursuing his dream (we presumed) of coaching pee wee hockey nights and weekends. I didn’t have a fully formed idea of girls at that time, but I was sure that stache got Coach plenty of action, if you know what I mean. And I didn’t know what I meant.

We were bad, and I wasn’t much help. I don’t think Cates Sheet Metal won a game that year. I know what you’re thinking: “But Foz, how could you have been a sucky pee wee hockey winger? You know how to play piano.” The simple answer to that is that Your Old Buddy Foz did not know how to play piano at that time. I picked that skill up later.

Here is the time I almost scored a goal: I was standing in the crease, trying not to fall down, when the puck came bouncing along. I had an open net because my buddy Brian, the other team’s goalie (but he was the goalie on my team the season before) was out of position. As I swiped the puck with an awkward back-handed slap, Brian made a brilliant move by falling on his face. My puck hit Brian in the head and bounced away. I never did score a goal that season. If you are not familiar with the sport of hockey, I should tell you that right wingers should probably score some goals. That’s kind of what they are on the ice for. My good buddy Buff – mentioned above – scores quite a few goals.

Which brings us to the story I promised you yesterday.

It was the last game of the season, and we had not won a game. Actually, it wasn’t even going to be a real game, so the possibility of winning one game was already gone. It was a ten minute exhibition match played between periods of a Kansas City Red Wings game. KC hosted a minor league affiliate of the Detroit Red Wings at one time.

Wait! Maybe that was why Coach was in Kansas City, knocking cows on the head and teaching kids to skate. He might have been trying to break into the pros. It would make sense.

So we were suiting up in our grown-ups locker room at Kemper Arena, and wondering what it would be like to play in front of five or ten thousand people, when one of the opposing team’s defensemen came sauntering in. I can’t remember his name, but he was on the same team with me and Brian the year before. Good guy.

Anyway, he announced that his team had been thinking it over, and they had decided that they wanted to have a bench-clearing brawl with us. Now, fighting was strictly forbidden in our pee wee league. Having even one fight could get you suspended for the whole season. But what The Man had failed to consider when making The Rules was that if The Kids had a bench-clearing brawl in Kemper Arena on the last day of the season, there wasn’t much to be done about it.

So we made a plan. We would skate around some, and when time was almost out they would let our team rush their net, and once we got crowded up in the crease we would start throwing punches. And that is how it worked out.

I was on the bench when everything went down, of course. I vaulted over the boards and headed for the scrum. The crowd went wild. I got down to the fight just in time to bounce off the fringes of the combat and fall down. I wrestled some kid for a while, and then we got tired and went back to the bench. As I got back there was Some Guy from the arena screaming at Coach how this was a big disgrace, and he’d never blah blah blah. That was a pretty heavenly thing for ten-year-old boys to see – some grown-up jerk-o with a bald spot flipping out because we broke his rules.

As I left the bench with the other kids we passed the Red Wings, who were waiting to come out for the third period. They thought it was all hilarious, and there were high-fives all around. And yes, the crowd went wild.

We later learned that during the fight the puck accidentally slid into the other team’s net. So we won! Kind of !

Best hockey game ever.

Monkeyshines!

That's right, kittens!

Tonight is the night after the night after Memorial Day when you promised yourself you would be at Cole's to see the comics. Don't miss it, because tomorrow will be too late to be the night after the night after Memorial Day. There will be no comics tomorrow night, and worst of all, there will be no Foz the Hook to open your evening of monkeyshines.

Funny word, monkeyshines. Used to amazing effect in Inglorious Basterds.

I don't have much to say. You will have to wait at least one more day to read about the greatest pee wee hockey fight ever, when Little Old Foz was a winger for Cates Sheet Metal.

But if you come out to Cole's tonight, maybe Old Old Foz will tell you in person. Ladies? Be at Cole's by 8:30 tonight. Foz the Hook starts playing at 9:00, and the comics go on at 9:30.

Why is Everything Porn?

How many times have you asked your self this question? I do almost every day. All I wanted was a picture to illustrate my now-delayed post on a great fight I had when I was in pee wee hockey. I did a Google Image search on pee wee hockey fight, and I got a video of Jenna Jamison riding a machine. Good for Jenna! Good for the machine!

Now where's my cute picture of little kids in hockey gear waling on each other? I finally found it further down on the page I went to, and include it above. It's adorable! Jenna riding a machine is not adorable. She's a naked lady, and that aint bad, but it's not adorable.

Please Mr. Google. Just give me what I want when I want it. When I Google "Jenna Jamison rides a machine (naked lady)," then you can show me pictures of that. When I Google "peewee hockey fight," I don't mean it in a dirty way. How exactly could that be dirty, anyway.

Christmas in May

It is important for any artist to keep well-worn material fresh and new. Last night Your Old Buddy Foz and Patrick and Leon rolled out a holiday favorite for the comics and the drunks at Cole's, Sex For Christmas. You will remember Sex For Christmas as a favorite last December during Cole's Great Naked Christmas Party. It got a good reaction in May too, although, as you can see by the accompanying photo, Foz is not naked. Or rather, he is not naked per se. He is naked in his soul, as you can see here, as he croons:

Oooooh, sex for Christmas,
Oooooh, under the tree,
Oooooh, sex for Christmas,
Sex for Christmas, that's for me!
(Lyrics by Jeff Drake, circa 1984)

(Music too)

Thanks to Jeff Hopkins for posting some digital evidence of last night's craziness. The boys played some kind of crazy set, including the debut of I'm Gonna Be Sick (Granny Granny), a fine rendition of Broken Bicycles featuring Leon comping on bass,(that's right, we play sad songs too, sometimes) and the (as usual) rip roaring With Drunk Astronauts.

And then Adam Burke came along and the comics got down to business.

See you at Cole's next week.

Class of Ninety-Hmmmm

Hey Brothers,

It looks like your old pal Foz is going to have two fantastic evenings in a row. Last night I got together with the pictured pack of Kansas Jayhawkers, Theater Department, Class of 199hmmmm. We sat outside, we drank drinky drinks in Old Town, and we adjourned to the Second City to see some sketch comedy. It was the kind of evening that people who don't live in Chicago think that people who live in Chicago do all the time. For a lot of reasons we don't, but we probably should. The pictured critters, all as enormously talented in other-than-traditional-theater professions as they were as acting students, are identified, from left to right as, Ramona Curtis, Your Pal in his Bjorn Skaptason disguise, Jeff Hopkins, and Jeff Sherr.

Which brings us to my next fantastic evening. Tonight You are going to meet Your Buddy Foz, and Patrick, and Old Leon "Tiger Shark" Strokes at Cole's for your weekly dose of madness. I think Cameron Esposito will host tonight, but if she doesn't somebody will write some music for whoever does. I think we are doing some amazing new material, but I can't remember what it is right now.

Since we haven't covered the details in a while, here they are: You will come to Cole's between 8 - 9 tonight. Cole's is at 2338 N. Milwaukee Ave., in Logan Square. This is just west of Milwaukee and California. If you are a comic, show up early for sign up. If you are not a comic, show up early for $2 PBR's with Travis the Bartender. If you are Patrick or Leon show up early enough to warm up with at least two pre-show drinks each. Buy a couple for yourselves too.

What a night it will be!

A Great Boat Trip!

I have been pondering the cultural importance of tonight's last episode of "Lost," and wondering about all of those poor people who have wasted their lives waiting for this moment. Take it from your buddy, Foz. You could have been drunk all this time.

But I must come out to all of you. I have never seen an episode of Lost. Tonight will not be a good night to start. I mean, what if I like it?

But since everyone else is crazy with worry about the potential endings - and if you were a fan of Battlestar Galactica you should be - I will join the speculation. After all I can offer the unique perspective of somebody who knows absolutely nothing about what he is talking about. Who could be more qualified?

First Alternate ending: Everybody wakes up in their seats on the plane. They all dreamed it. They all dreamed the same dream at the same time. The plane lands safely. Your head explodes.

2: The Smoke Monster hits Gilligan with a hat.

3: Bob Denver wakes up in his coffin and and realizes that it's all been a dream (and that he's been buried alive since 2005).

4: Russell Johnson and Dawn Wells drive up in their bamboo peddle car. They give everybody a ride home.

5: They find the S. S. Minnow, and repair it. They sail home to 1964.

6. Wilson Sporting Goods withdraws their product placement, resulting in an unexplained change of a principal character's name to "Rawlings."

7: Everybody stops acting and sings the Gilligan's Island theme song, ending it with a hearty, "Fuck You!"

8: Tina Louise finally sleeps with you. You are not at all disappointed.

Don't forget to leave your own alternate endings in the comments section.

PS: Foz the Hook plays next Wednesday night at 9:00 at Cole's like we always do. If you make it, we might play "I'm gonna Be Sick (Granny Granny)." More on that later.

We Could Totally Do This

But we're too authentic!

As you all know Foz the Hook has led the Kids Rebellion ever since Roger Daltry got fooled again back in '79. And if The Who can get off their respirators and acquire some good new ear horns they might lead a new uprising. If so, we'll be there to wheel them on stage.

But to get to the point, most people know that pop music is basically the same three or four chords played over again with new (or not really new) lyrics. We get it. Foz the Hook is no different. For instance, we know that Mr. Poorluck Buys Some China, Pt. 2 (6 chords give-or-take) would be pointless if we didn't steel Lalo Schifrin's fab Mission Impossible theme. We know that With Drunk Astronauts (6 chords I think) is just Debussy's Clair de Lune with a hemorrhoid. We know that Theme of the Guys From France (No chords that anybody can recognize) is really just Love Hurts on Crystal Meth. Gin-Soaked Yankee (15 chords) is the only song quite like its self, except maybe Raymond Scott's Powerhouse. But someone had to say it.

A big hat tip to Jeff Drake for pointing out this hilarious comedy band, Axis of Awesome, from Down Under. Enjoy it, and then come to Cole's tomorrow night and we will play many funny songs together. We play at 9:00. Cameron Esposito and the comics are on at 9:30.

More Mustardy

FozFans,

You wanted an update on the progress of Foz's "other thing," the upcoming release of the long-awaited 19th album by Bobby and the Chuxx, Mustardy. Well, look forward to some final tracks going down in Kansas this June. Today I listened to a number of almost-done tunes, such as Spirit of 17, Keep That Sun in Your Eyes, Shower Power, and the Chuxx version of the Foz the Hook fave, Cheese Jesus. It's going to be pretty sweet, or rather, it's going to be pretty mustardy. I'll keep you updated.

But tonight! Join FtH at Cole's for your weekly tea-bagging, as a room full of angry comics sputters rage all over your face.

By that, I just mean it's funny - nothing dirty (but do bring a hankie).

FtH opens the evening with our "Ungodly" set at 9:00, followed by Cameron Esposito or her proxy at 9:30. You're on after that, comics, so don't let me down.

It'll be mustardy.

Hat tip to Giddy Gastronome for the picture of a mustardy Creamy Mash Potato Crumble.