A Year of Bitterness!

You know how much Your Old Pal Foz likes to write about all of our friends who tell jokes at Cole’s.  That I typically write about the lady comics, and more frequently write about lady comics who are Ladies’ Lady comics "reveals much," as they say at the psychiatric conference.  Obviously, I have a sick fascination with women who tell hilarious jokes. 

But I also have a sick fascination with certain chaps who tell jokes, and one of those is a tiny and bitter little gnome (sorry, but that’s the most flattering phrase I could think of) named Peter-john Byrnes.  Pete recently invited me to play on his fabulously depressing podcast, This Week in Despair. It was fun.  I am told that since listening to the conversation we had with James Fritz that day the Mayans have cheered up a good deal.  We might make it to 2013 after all!

Anyway, today is a day of some importance to the world of People Who Prefer Laughing to Rectal Prolapse.  For the past fifty-one weeks Pete has been writing and performing a totally new four-minute set for Cole’s each week.  He has never repeated a joke.  That’s pretty impressive.  If you don’t think that’s pretty impressive, try a little rectal prolapse. 

Here is where you can see much of Pete's great work.

So, if you like funny women or bitter gnomes join us tonight at 9:00 for FtH followed by Cole’s Inter-Gender Comedy Open Mic at Cole’s. 

Congratulations, Pete!  The best part is that almost all of these one-off jokes were funny.  Can you start repeating some now?

I didn’t want to find a picture to illustrate Rectal Prolapse, so here is an Angler Fish, which, I understand, is a pretty good illustration of the concept of rectal prolapse.  It's also not a bad approximation of the feel of a typical Pete Byrnes set at Cole's.

PS:  If you ever forget the term rectal prolapse and need to write it in a blog or something, try Googling the phrase “anus turned inside out.”  It works OK.

Get Blacked Out Again

You know how Foz the Hook plays at Cole’s each Wednesday night at 9:00 before the Cole’s Comedy Open Mic, hosted by Adam Burke or Rhea Butcher or the voluble Kenny Witzgall?  You know how that goes?  Well, it’s going to be like that tonight – just like any other Wednesday night.  It’s going to be totally hilarious.

In other news, this Saturday night you have a unique opportunity to get blackout drunk and wake up in the pokey!  Why?  Because Sean Flannery’s Blackout Diaries, Volume 15, returns to the Beat Kitchen!  Sean’s recruited a batch of the most debased degenerates ever to crawl into a bottle, and they’re all going to spill their guts, so to speak.  I think you’re going to see the Puterbaugh Sisterz, and I think you’re going to see James Fritz, and of course you’re going to see Colonel Foz, who returns for his second monthly engagement at this classy joint.

The Colonel came up with new material for this one, and I’m going to give you a sneak peak.  That’s what you get in exchange for reading FozBlog!

"I seen it all, friends!  Toured with everyone from Willie and Loretta to Gramm and Emmie Lou; everyone from Couger to Mellencamp.  Did blow outta Janice’s belly button, and from the adorable dimple just above Jagger’s ass.  This one time, we all went down to Montreaux …  Frank Zappa and the Mothers had the best place around…"

[Play one verse and chorus of Smoke on the Water…]

"Crazy days I seen, people.  But I tell you, of all my regrets piled up by 40 years of dissipation, the flare gun regrets are the worst.  I mean, in those days, when Frank Zappa called you a stupid piece of shit, it meant something!"

(Hat tip to Cheezeburger.com for the awesome fire pic.)

That’s the least of what you will see if you go to the Blackout Diaries on Saturday Night, July 28, at 9:30, at the Beat Kitchen.  Seating is limited so buy your tickets in advance here!

See you there.

I'm Not Blaming You

I'm just saying that these things happen, and it's ok. I know. You went to Cole's last week with the best intentions. You were going to be good. You were going to have one PBR (maybe two), do your thing if you're a comic, and go to bed early.

And then they started buying you drinks. And Travis Bartender is so dashing with that baritone voice of his - "want another?"

"Sure," you said. I've got time.

And then you started in on the Martinis - Vodka Martinis. You knew it was wrong, but everybody was laughing and having such a good time and s/he kept looking your way and smiling and you started to talk with this woman-or-man (because FtH doesn't assume), and you wanted to celebrate the surprise ruling on the Prop 8 thing, even though it doesn't apply to you (because you'll probably never get married at all), and then it all just went fuzzy.

The next thing you remember was the walk of shame through the glaring light of a 90 degree Chicago day, with everybody you saw on the street just staring and judging you - you presumed.

The only advice Your Old Pal Foz has is maybe you don't want to put that on Facebook. Grandma doesn't need to know that. We'll keep it between us.

But now the question before you: do you try it again? Do you risk another disgrace because you know can't control yourself when Cameron Esposito and the comics at Cole's start rattling the rafters? You know you can't make good judgments once Foz the Hook gets your blood up. Do you risk another personal disaster? Twice in two weeks?

OF COURSE YOU DO!!!! It's Wednesday, and that means tonight you will be at Cole's with the contents of your change jar in your pocket laughing your scalp off with the best comics in town! Will Mo Welch be there again? James Fritz? Ryan Walker? Matt Slater? We hope and think so. What we know for sure is that Your Private Confidants, FtH, will be there to wind you up, enable you to make bad decisions, and not judge you about it.

That's Cole's, tonight at 8:45 or 9:00 depending on the list. Be there by 8:30. It goes all night, or until you wake up in a strange apartment. We don't judge.

Foz's Morning After Pill

Hey baby. Baby. Baby!

You're laying on Foz's arm, sweetie. No no. It's ok. Let me just... There we go. No, beautiful, you just go on back to sleep. It's all ok.

You're in my apartment.

Foz.

Foz.

Yeh, from that band you saw last night. The guy in the suit. Yeh. Man! That was a great show, don't you think? Cameron Esposito was her usual fantastic self. The Band of a Thousand Names is a great act. I hadn't seen them before. You were really rockin it out. Weren't you?

No! You wanted to. I mean, you had a few drinks, but there weren't any roofies involved or anything.

Foz.

I'll make you some eggs or something.

Oh. Ok. Yes sure, well then....

I think they're on the kitchen floor. That's where it started.

Sure you don't want any...?

Hey! let's exchange numbers. I'll call you and we'll...

Oh. Ok. Well, you know we play tomorrow night at Cole's Comedy Open Mic. Cameron Esposito hosts, and great comics like Adam Burke and James Fritz and Mo Welch are always there. Starts at 9. Come on out and I'll buy you a....

Oh. Yeh, that makes sense. Great town, Seattle. Everyone needs a change of scenery. I get out there sometimes. Maybe I'll drop you a...

Oh yeh. Ok.

Well.

Bye.