An Awkward Conversation.

Hello, my babies.

Now, you know that your mother and I both love you very much.  And we always will!  Whatever I am about to say, just remember that we will always love you.

It’s just that sometimes things change.  Sometimes Mommies and Daddies want to see other people or gouge each others eyes out with steak knives.  Do you remember that?  Do you remember the time Mommy tried to gouge Olde Foz’s eyes out with a steak knife?  Right.

Also, sometimes Foz the Hook isn’t at the Wednesday Comedy Open Mic at Cole’s.

The important thing to remember is that we – both of us – will always love you.

No, no, no, babies!  Foz the Hook isn’t going away forever.  We’re just not going to be with you tonight.  That doesn’t mean we don’t love you.

You see, Foz has decided that there is another lady who is prettier and smarter than your mother, Cole's, and he is going to go be with her tonight.

Oh, Cole’s, she is something else!  You will really love her.  Her name is Doris Kearns Goodwin, and she writes books.  They are books for smart people, Cole’s, so you probably wouldn’t like them.

Here is a picture of your New Mom, Doris Kearns Goodwin.  You will learn to love her.  Especially, when you come to visit OIde Foz and Auntie Doris Kearns Goodwin on weekends at our condo in Malibu.  I bet your Old Mom doesn’t have a condo in Malibu.  In fact, I know she won’t, after Uncle Lawyer makes her agree to a nice, fair-for-everybody, no-fault divorce.

So, Baby Cole’s, we won’t be with you tonight, but we will be back next week, maybe.

The import thing for you to remember is that Foz the Hook will always love you, even if we’re not around.  Not like that monster, Your Mother, who probably won’t let you eat ice cream and drink PBR’s for dinner every night.

Pistol Whipped!

Larry’s Sick!

Oh, No!  Our bass player is out tonight.  Down with a nasty bug.

Are we discouraged?  No!  Are we downhearted?  No!  Are we still  sober?  Not for long!

Krystal at the Wedding of Beyonce and Jay Z.
Pic by Arthur from One Bedroom Studio.

The great news is that we have found someone to fill in for Larry.  She doesn’t play bass, but she sings like a bird, and is drop-dead hilarious. 

Meet our old friend, the Feminafozista, Krystal "The Pistol"  LaFianza Pitzen!  Krystal is a veteran of many fantastic Foz the Hook pageants of yore.  She is also a terrific comic, cabaret singer, and co-producer of the legendary drinking show, The Blackout Diaries.  Come out to Cole’s Bar tonight and help Krystal help you!

Also, help FtH help Krystal and help her help us.  We all need help.  We need help badly.

FtH will not be playing next week, so this is your last chance to see Your Favorite Band before Thanksgiving (with the exception of the show on the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, which is before Thanksgiving)!

Poor, Larry!  Send him kisses, Cole’s.  Send him wet, gross kisses that will land all of us in a sick bed.  At least we’ll be together.

Come to Cole’s tonight!  FtH plays with Krystal LaFianza Pitzen at 9:00, and the comics complain about the weather at 9:30.

Egg-tinted Heartache!

Oh, babies!  My heart is breaking!

Erin Nekervis continues to show me the photos she is producing for our new album, The Old Lady Died: A Disgraceful Affair.

We are thinking of an old timey look, and Foz and Erin checked out a couple of different looks for old timey photos.  You know, not all old timey photos look alike.  What they look like depends on the kind of technology that was used at the time.

Larry and Cait dream of a better world, with better whiskey!

Back in the days of wet-plate photography – like, around the Civil War – photographers printed your pic on a little playing card-sized thingy called a carte de visite.  They used albumen and some other stuff to make their paper light sensitive.  Albumen is eggs.  Therefore, the pics look kind of sepia toned and eggy (after a while).  Look at what Erin did to this wonderful photo of Larry and Cait Bowes.  It looks like an old parlour drama, and Larry looks like a total Gentleman Caller.

Foz and Kate kinda canoodling.

Later, in the 1930s photos looked different.  I don’t know why, because, even though I am an historian, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the 20^th Century.  That’s not even history.  It’s yesterday’s news.  Still, look at the spooky 1930’s-looking pic of a rakish reeling Foz with a beautiful, but soon to be ruined, Kate Adams. 

No, Kate!  Don’t kiss that drunkard!  You will be ruined!  You will never find a man to take care of you, and you will be reduced to making your own way in the world by writing and singing beautiful songs. 

Poor girl!  Poor, poor, girl.

Come to Cole’s tonight and comfort poor Kate by buying her drinks during Cole’s Comedy Open Mic.  If Kate doesn’t make the scene, just buy Foz a few drinks to salve his ruined conscience and his pounding headache.

FtH plays at 8:45 or 9:00, and the comics go crazy after that.