The Heroes of Summer

Soon the summer Olympics will be drawing to a close.  It is time for us to recognize some of the great and talented people who have made these games an affair to remember.

Remember all those gold medals in swimming?

Remember when Robocop won the right to sprint with all the human athletes?

Remember when that one kid wouldn't fix her pony tail, and in spite of all the gentle - and totally appropriate - reminders to fix her pony tail she didn't fix her pony tail?  I think she had her gold medal taken away, didn't she?  I don't know for sure.  I've been pretty drunk these past two weeks, but when I hear tell of an innocent little kid who won't fix her pony tail and they take away her gold medal and send her to RUSSIA I get pretty mad.  And when I get pretty mad I drink even more.

Do you remember when Foz the Hook hosted Foz the Hook's Summer Games at Cole's last Wednesday night?  Do you remember that?  It was awesome, and even more American heroes were born.

Jason Earl Folks won the Gold Medal in the Haggis Toss.  Rachel Ortiz led the American squad onto the field astride a dressage unicorn while bagpiping The Haggis March by Robert Burns.  Krystal LaFianza-Pitzen achieved the world record for the fastest rendition of Cole Porter's It's Too Darn Hot played by a band that is playing twice as slow as they are supposed to.  Maria Wojciechowski sang Gershwin's Summertime so beautifully that she received a marriage proposal from North Korean strongman Kim Jong Un (and he's a newlywed himself)!  Do you remember when the Kates-Caits sang Chris Isaak's Wicked Games so beautifully that we all had to stop and have a good cry?

Do you remember Meredith Kachel's magnificent poster that she made just for the event?  Probably not.  Due to technical problems in transmission this is the first time I am showing it to you.

It is so beautiful, I had to sit down and have a good old cry.

Thank you, Meredith!  Even though the poster wasn't part of the actual show we are all thrilled and proud to have it.  All of the cast members will get their own copy (even Kate from the Caits, who didn't quite fit in.)

If there is anybody who wants amazing drawings made by a funny lady who is Old Foz's good pal, contact Meredith Kachel.

We shall work together again sooner than you think.

Foz Gets Awkward With Collin Bullock

What a beautiful night we had last week at Foz the Hook’s Poison Valentine Pageant.  So romantic.

But all good things must end so other good things might take their place.  That is why Foz the Hook, your new favorite band, will be taking the stage this very night with our pal, Collin Bullock on his bill for Awkward Moments With Collin Bullock, a LIVE recording of his podcast by the same name.  Fantastic!

We presume that Collin will want to talk about all sorts of awkward moments that FtH has brought you over the last couple of years, including but not limited to…

The time Old Foz and Jason Earl Folks kissed each other on stage in front of everybody at Foz the Hook’s Poison Valentines Pageant on Wednesday, February 8, 2012.

That time I just talked about when Jason Earl Folks put on a cowboy hat and kissed Foz.

The time a couple sitting immediately in front of the stage wouldn’t stop talking, so Foz went out in the audience and sat with them during Whiskey What Done It.  That was last night, but it has happened before.

There was this one time that that thing happened, but there were two ladies (same table as #3), and they wouldn’t shut up.  When Foz sat down with them they gave him the old stink-eye and tried to continue their conversation.  They were bound and determined that they would not recognize the fact that they were sitting in the front row of a music show (full house of our usual fans, making their usual racket).  These ladies made sure to show me that I was the boorish interloper for sitting at their table and interrupting their conversation with a performance of music.  We all laughed at them, not with them.  Still, they were immune to the awkwardness of the situation.

So come out to Cole’s tonight, and see Awkward moments With Collin Bullock, featuring FtH, Mike Lebovitz, Chris Condren, Byron, Jacob Williams, and the two ladies in the front row who won’t shut up. 

The fun begins at 8 and goes to 10.  It will be recorded live, so be prepared to hear what your voice sounds like on a recording.

The Sleaze Returns

Last night we all had a great time at Cole’s with some good clean fun at the weekly open mic. FtH played their little hearts out, Foz told the Vegas story from last week, only better, Patrick got so sick that they couldn’t play I’m Gonna Be Sick (Granny Granny), Jason Earl Folks got a hair cut, a lady called Rachel played the bagpipes, Bob Palos talked about his recent adventures I think, it rained, Travis over-served Foz, the floor started spinning, and the bedroom was soaked when I got home because I left the windows open. All in all, a pretty sedate evening.

But tonight things will get weird. That’s because The Big Sleazy is returning to The Green Door, 678 N. Orleans, at 8:30, with a showcase of great comics and good beer. There will, furthermore, be a piano player called Foz that you may have met at Cole’s last night. Last week’s show was a huge success, as those of you who gawked at Lauren Vino’s picture know. The show also featured a fantastic headlining act by Prescott Tolk (pictured), a sharp comic who will be flying the nest shortly to knock the west coast on its head. Best of luck to Prescott.

Among the highlights of the evening is host Mike Lebovitz, Megan Gailey, Tia Ayers, Jason, Mikey Manker, and headliner Ken Barnard. So come on down to the Speakeasy room at the Green Door for cheap drinks and cheap laughs. It will be a sleaze fest that will leave last night looking like recess at the Montessori academy.

In the meantime, this is where you buy our new album Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces. Go ahead.

The Big Sleazy

There are many times that I wish I was in New Orleans, but not today. We have the Ninth Ward right here in Chicago today with hot temperatures and sticky stanky wetness. That’s why there is not a better week to debut the fantastic new comedy showcase at The Green Door Tavern, The Big Sleazy.

The Big Sleazy features a peck of fine young comedy talent such as Nate Simmons, Jason Earl Folks, and whoever-the-hell-else is on the bill. Your Old Pal Foz provides piano playing and inter-comedy chatter. This fine show takes the stage tomorrow night, Thursday, July 21, at 9:00 p.m. The Green Door is at 678 N. Orleans in the River North neighborhood. Come on out and help Old Foz christen a new show, and then buy as many beers as you can afford to buy me.

In the meantime, meet Your Favorite Band Foz the Hook tonight at 9:00 at Cole’s for the Every Week Amazing Open Mic Comedy Show. Starring Cameron Esposito, and Adam Burke, plus The List, of desperate, desperate comics who will do just about anything to make you laugh. Strike that! They will do anything – ANYTHING – to make you laugh. So come and take advantage of them.

They don’t seem to mind that much.

Dream Granny

You already know about tonight’s Foz the Hook Freakshowcase. It starts at 9:00, it is at Cole’s, which is at 2338 N. Milwaukee Avenue in America, Maria Wojciechowski plays hilarious music, Jason Earl Folks tells great jokes, Mark Rector tells a fantastic ghost story, and You Pals, FtH rock your blocks off funnily.

That’s not what we are talking about right now. You see, I had another dream.

I was preparing to go to a funeral in Springfield, and I had rented a really swell car. Initially I was pretty put-out because it looked like I was going to have to drive a bunch of people I did not know, which would kill the buzz of having a swell car, because, you know, they were all going to a funeral.

It is like when you have to drive to the office picnic, and that weird guy from accounting wants to ride along, even though you were hoping the slutty girl from marketing or the H.R. lady who is always having office affairs would be in your car. And then you can’t even drink, because you are driving.

Yeh, it was like that.

So finally everything is ready and we leave for Springfield. Dad is driving and I am sitting in the passenger seat. No one else is driving with us. Dad drives like a maniac, and since we are driving through Illinois, there are tons of huge mountains with narrow roads and switchback curves. I told Dad that I had made this drive before, and I would be happy to drive. He said he was doing fine. He was doing fine. He was also doing about 95.

Here comes the only “psychological” part of the dream. Even though Dad was driving like a maniac, I felt totally safe, because I was riding with Dad. Thanks Dad!

Anyway, we got to Springfield, which was a small Baptist church in the middle of Kansas with wheat and sunflowers everywhere. When we pulled up and parked in the gravel parking lot, NPR was just finishing a story on the radio, and for transitional music for the next story they played a song called Sound Chaser by the 1970’s prog rock band, Yes. They played the whole 9 minute song. This might have been the most impressive part of my dream: during my dream last night I listened to Sound Chaser all the way through, with all the parts and changes and breakdowns. Nothing weird happened (so to speak). I just sat in the car listening to the song, and really enjoying myself.

Then it was time to go see Granny. Granny wasn’t dead. Someone else was dead. Granny was sitting in the undercroft of the church sipping tea. I asked her how her “outsider art” project was going, and she said she had thrown the whole thing out because it was so Goddamn derivative of 1960’s hippie bullshit, and she was sick of all the hipsters and hangers-on bothering her. She was still confident that she could cough something up before the deadline though.

Now it was time to see the dead guy. We went into the chapel and the coffin was up by the alter, of course. There was reedy organ music, actually a bandoneon, playing in the background.

Here comes the part you have been waiting for, the musical set up of the church.

The bandoneon player lay on his back on an organ bench, playing the squeeze box up in front of his chest. On his chest sat a decorative kind of brace. There was another brace on his legs, and sitting on top of the braces, the coffin. So you would walk up to the coffin (closed) to pay respects, and down below your waist, beneath the decedent’s head, was this old guy playing a squeeze box. You would walk up to the dead guy, and there’s this old dude down by your belt buckle saying “Hi. How ya doin’?” I wanted to ask him about the coffin sitting on his chest. Was it heavy? Did he do this often? Was he the regular bandoneon guy for this church? But you can’t ask those sorts of questions at a funeral.

You have to be respectful.

OK, see you at Cole’s later. Buy me a drink. Bring a psychologist.

Love you, Granny.

Take Me Back

Ok, Cole's, we should probably talk about this now that we're both a little more clear headed and sober. We both know that when Foz's Old Nemesis Vodka comes around things get a little crazy.

So yes, you found this photograph of Your Best Fella, Old Foz, at the show last night during the hot-n-bothered Comedy Open Mic. I admit that it is hard to explain this sort of thing away, but I'll try - and you have to promise not to get mad(der).

You see, I had to get naked because my undershirt was chafing me, and I couldn't concentrate while playing Cheese Jesus. Now, you wouldn't want Old Foz to chafe during the set and ruin a fun evening for everybody in the room. Really, are you that selfish?

OK, second, because I was chafing I asked my physician, Dr. Nakedlady, to prescribe a cure. Now everybody knows that the cure for chafing or loneliness is to drink a fifth of vodka from the bottle. You wouldn't want me to not follow my doctor's advice, would you? Sometimes I wonder about you.

Well, of course, the chafing was on my back, so I had to find someone to rub the vodka bottle - the cold, sweating, icey-hot vodka bottle - against my chafed back. I had to ask my doctor to do it, because you wouldn't do it, Cole's, because you just couldn't wait to see Jason Earl Folks tell his story about the bear. Tell me this, Cole's, what's going on between the two of you anyway? You're always talking about how funny Jason Earl Folks is, and then you run to the back room to see him perform when I'm trying to recite poetry to you at the bar. And how come you suddenly take up smoking when Jason Earl Folks goes outside after his set? I don't even think this is really about me. I think it's about you and your crush on Jason Earl Folks.

So, let's not hear anymore about the naked picture of Old Foz in the arms of Vodka-besotted Dr. Nakedlady. Enough!

Wait! No! I didn't mean it. I'm drunk. See, here's the vodka. It's not me talking. Please Please Please take me back. I can't live without you! I know deep in your heart you love me tooooo. Oh, Nooooooooo. Please stay! I can change! Pleaseee give Old Foz one more chance. We've had some laughs, haven't we?