A Great Boat Trip!

I have been pondering the cultural importance of tonight's last episode of "Lost," and wondering about all of those poor people who have wasted their lives waiting for this moment. Take it from your buddy, Foz. You could have been drunk all this time.

But I must come out to all of you. I have never seen an episode of Lost. Tonight will not be a good night to start. I mean, what if I like it?

But since everyone else is crazy with worry about the potential endings - and if you were a fan of Battlestar Galactica you should be - I will join the speculation. After all I can offer the unique perspective of somebody who knows absolutely nothing about what he is talking about. Who could be more qualified?

First Alternate ending: Everybody wakes up in their seats on the plane. They all dreamed it. They all dreamed the same dream at the same time. The plane lands safely. Your head explodes.

2: The Smoke Monster hits Gilligan with a hat.

3: Bob Denver wakes up in his coffin and and realizes that it's all been a dream (and that he's been buried alive since 2005).

4: Russell Johnson and Dawn Wells drive up in their bamboo peddle car. They give everybody a ride home.

5: They find the S. S. Minnow, and repair it. They sail home to 1964.

6. Wilson Sporting Goods withdraws their product placement, resulting in an unexplained change of a principal character's name to "Rawlings."

7: Everybody stops acting and sings the Gilligan's Island theme song, ending it with a hearty, "Fuck You!"

8: Tina Louise finally sleeps with you. You are not at all disappointed.

Don't forget to leave your own alternate endings in the comments section.

PS: Foz the Hook plays next Wednesday night at 9:00 at Cole's like we always do. If you make it, we might play "I'm gonna Be Sick (Granny Granny)." More on that later.