Take Me Back

Ok, Cole's, we should probably talk about this now that we're both a little more clear headed and sober. We both know that when Foz's Old Nemesis Vodka comes around things get a little crazy.

So yes, you found this photograph of Your Best Fella, Old Foz, at the show last night during the hot-n-bothered Comedy Open Mic. I admit that it is hard to explain this sort of thing away, but I'll try - and you have to promise not to get mad(der).

You see, I had to get naked because my undershirt was chafing me, and I couldn't concentrate while playing Cheese Jesus. Now, you wouldn't want Old Foz to chafe during the set and ruin a fun evening for everybody in the room. Really, are you that selfish?

OK, second, because I was chafing I asked my physician, Dr. Nakedlady, to prescribe a cure. Now everybody knows that the cure for chafing or loneliness is to drink a fifth of vodka from the bottle. You wouldn't want me to not follow my doctor's advice, would you? Sometimes I wonder about you.

Well, of course, the chafing was on my back, so I had to find someone to rub the vodka bottle - the cold, sweating, icey-hot vodka bottle - against my chafed back. I had to ask my doctor to do it, because you wouldn't do it, Cole's, because you just couldn't wait to see Jason Earl Folks tell his story about the bear. Tell me this, Cole's, what's going on between the two of you anyway? You're always talking about how funny Jason Earl Folks is, and then you run to the back room to see him perform when I'm trying to recite poetry to you at the bar. And how come you suddenly take up smoking when Jason Earl Folks goes outside after his set? I don't even think this is really about me. I think it's about you and your crush on Jason Earl Folks.

So, let's not hear anymore about the naked picture of Old Foz in the arms of Vodka-besotted Dr. Nakedlady. Enough!

Wait! No! I didn't mean it. I'm drunk. See, here's the vodka. It's not me talking. Please Please Please take me back. I can't live without you! I know deep in your heart you love me tooooo. Oh, Nooooooooo. Please stay! I can change! Pleaseee give Old Foz one more chance. We've had some laughs, haven't we?