Look Out! It's Axe Cop!

I don't know if all y'all already love Axe Cop as much as I do now. I won't try to explain it. Genius needs no explanation.

By the way, join Foz the Hook tonight! And by tonight I mean tonight, March 31, 2010 at Cole's for the Comedy Open Mic! Expect Cameron Esposito or some other fantastic comic to host, and expect a host of fantastic comics to make you laugh yourself to death.

Get your affairs in order. You don't have long.

Cole's! Tonight! FtH plays at 9:00! Comedy starts at 9:30! It never ends!

Hat tip to Jeff Drake.

Our First Video!

A big hat tip to Caitlin Brice of The Splendid Ape for finding this old 1978 footage of Foz the Hook on an Eastern European TV variety show. Of course, back then we weren't called Foz the Hook. I think we called ourselves !The Peoples' Revolutionary Committee For Humor (Music) Brigades! or something like that.

Isn't it hilarious to see Comrade Patrick playing that weird brass conch-shell thing? I can't remember what it is called, but we called it The Peoples' Brass Conch-Shell Thing For Making Sounds (Funny). Comrade Foz was wearing quite a revolutionary red cravat in those days. Man, I used to get plenty of action from The Revolutionary Peoples' Proletarian Defense Committtee (Female) because of that cravat! And I haven't seen Comrade Leon with that much facial hair since the Fifth Seven-Year Plan.

Good times.

Hey! Don't miss FtH at Cole's this Wednesday night at 9:00. You remember how to get there.

Viva la Revolucion!

From Santa Cruz

Last Wednesday Patrick's friends came in from Santa Cruz on their cross-country "Away We Go" road trip. It was great to have a couple of new FozFans at the gig. But the room was smokin anyway. There must have been forty comics, and a fair number of Real People.

Not much else to say. Here is a picture of lovely Santa Cruz. Why Patrick's friends would want to move when they already live in the Galapagos Islands is beyond me. Hey, it takes all kinds.

FtH is back at rehearsal tomorrow. Who knows what we'll come up with? Not me.

I'm Not in Love With a Lesbian OK I Am.

Good morning my beauties,

If you have been following the labels on FozBlog then you know that Old Foz has quite the kink for his comic chum Cameron Esposito.

I hope Cameron chooses Comic Chum as the name of her next album. If not, it will be the title of our third album. Anyway, Cameron's current album is Grab Them Aghast, and it is hilarious. I was there for one of the nights she recorded it, so I know whereof I speak.

In the spirit of this blog, Old Foz is going to help his fans spend their money wisely. Go to iTunes now and buy Grab Them Aghast. You will be happy you did when you have a cerebral hemorrhage from laughing. Don't worry, Foz and the boys will visit you in the ICU and play Vibrating Chicken Stomp while jumping on your bed.

Also, here is Cameron in the Chicago Sun Times.

Join Foz and the boys and - hopefully - Foz's big crush comic, Cameron Esposito at Cole's this Wednesday night at 9:00. You know you want it! Just do it!

Shhh! The TV is on.

I got nothin. Check out Drake's Cake's.

Also, buy this.

Happy Birthday!

Hey Fozettes,

It's that big day again. You've all been waiting for it! The day when you can really let your hair down and howl!

It's Leon "McOctopii" Strokes' birthday! Buy the man some Irish whiskey.

Did you know that on July 1, 1690 King William beat King James at the battle of the Boyne, insuring that the English would rule over a small, rocky island for a while longer? There is a picture of King William up above.

Later, in 1972, there was a thing called "Bloody Sunday." And then U2 did a pretty good song about it. Better than "New Years Day." Way better that "Where The Streets Have No Name."

Some people called "Provos" made some trouble.

"Once" is a pretty good movie.

Anyway, I don't know what all these random things have in common. Probably nothing.

So it's Leon's birthday.

Be at Cole's tonight at 9:00 to buy him drinks. Foz the Hook plays at 9:00. Mo Grape Welch Belch hosts, and she's never not funny.

Comics sign up at 8:30 and no earlier, or some drunken, red-headed, mutton-chopped foreigner thugs will kneecap you.

Why is everyone wearing green?

Viva la Pepe

Pepe is Dead. Viva la Pepe

A year ago Foz’s old chum, Schwa (Steve Revare), wondered why his office smelled like a dead mouse. He reacted exactly as I react to such things. See, I would wonder, “what smells like a dead mouse?” , and “Hmm, that dead mouse smell is still here today,” and “I wonder if that dead mouse smell just went away while I was gone? (sniff) Nope. Still there.”

Of course we all know that the smell does eventually go away, or you just get used to it.

Then, the other day, Steve, out of nowhere, decides to clean his vents. As you can see above, all was explained.

There he is. Pepe. Legs, tail and all. One wonders how Pepe came to this bad end. Caught in a heating vent? I’ve known some meesus, and they can be pretty hardy. I smell foul play.

Whatever happened to Pepe? Really? Probably only Cheese Jesus will every know.

So long, Pepe. We’ll miss you.

Join Foz the Hook at Cole’s tomorrow night at 9:00, and raise a toast to Pepe – the most persistent smell in the Revare household this year.

Tomorrow It Seems

It seems we will play somewhere other that Cole's. Sorry Coleman.

Patrick arranged for Foz the Hook to play at The Long Room, 1612 W. Irving Park Road, in Chicago. Show starts at 4:00 and goes until maybe as late as 6:00. It's a fine little bar. I said little and I mean it, so be there.

Should be fun. Do you not get to come to Cole's? Do you go to bed early? Do you only watch live music next to a Popeye's Chicken? Then this show is for you.

Finally, up above you will see another version Eduard Khil's creepy masterpiece, that went viral after the last time I showed it to you. Naturally, the time for a remix was due. Watch this with friends because your head will explode, and they will have to mop up before your Mom finds you. Hat tip to Drakes Cakes.

Ashley Goes to Jail

Dear Sweethearts,

Do I need to explain the presence of soft core porn on my blog? If it's good enough for the New York Post, it's good enough for the likes of you.

Last night your old buddies steamed the windows at Cole’s in preparation for Adam Burke and the Wednesday funnies. What a great set it was.

We resolved to really push it, and see if we could go over the edge. We opened with Somebody Write Some Music, which has been a good choice for a couple of weeks now. Foz played in his best "wife beater" sleeveless white t-shirt while sucking on a can of Old Style (thanks to Leah the Bartender for providing that prop gratis). About half way through the song I launched into a mostly improvised story that I have had in the back of my mind for a long time. I got a few laughs, and a lot of astonished, even horrified stares. Dan says that he noticed that the young lady demographic really seemed to get into it. Who knew?

Since the improv did not exist in written form, I have transcribed it by memory for you.

Big hat tip goes to my old friend, film maker Scott Peterson, whose real-life roommate saga contributed to the story. Also credit goes to Dan, whose real-life roommate sagas also contributed much. Just remember while you are reading this – it is all made up, except for the large portions that really happened. Well, we don’t all live together in a big apartment. Most of the rest is truer than you’d like to think.

Ashley Goes to Jail

Improvised at Cole’s Chicago as part of Somebody Write Some Music, March 10, 2010.

OK, Cole’s. I got to tell you a story. It’s a little story of personal experience from your old pal, Foz. It’s called “Ashley Goes to Jail.”

As I am sure you have guessed by now, we all live together in a big old four-bedroom apartment over on Medill. It’s a good setup. We can play and make a lot of noise, and record or whatever. And we got this fourth bedroom that we can rent out, and that helps to cover rent and bills.

Well, roommates come and go, and a little while back we needed to get somebody into that room. Old Leon here put the ad out on Craig’s List and pretty soon we had lots of candidates. One was a pretty, 22ish woman – Ashley – and of course these old gents were pretty intrigued by that. After all, we thought, “What could go wrong?” Ha ha ha.

Things started out OK, I guess. I don’t think she ever paid anything, but we had a girl around, and we’re not home a lot anyway. But soon enough we realized that Ashley was quite the little mess. Yes, she kept odd hours – we all do – but Ashley would have a “date” at 8:00 in the morning, and another one at Noon, and 3:00, and at night. We all began to think she was a prostitute.

It was worse than that.

We came back in off the road one time, and there was Ashley and this old guy running around the apartment in their underwear, doing blow off the kitchen table. Faith No More playing through our P.A. They’re cutting coke with my Bisquick. And I had promised to make everybody pancakes. And I think Patrick says something like “what you do is OK with us, but please do your tricks in your bedroom.”

Well, that was a mistake. Ashley wasn’t a prostitute. She really did just have a lot of dates. And the old guy with the blow – well, he was her uncle.

Yeh, there was a lot of drama that time. The blender got broke.

Well, a few weeks later I’m sitting in the "Bob" – middle of the afternoon – trying to avoid the regulars. Stinky Pete was there. So was Crazy Mary, and Lobotomy Larry. Anyway, my phone rings and it’s Ashley. She’s all weeping and raging and saying “I hate him! I hate him! He dumped me.” And I say, “Who, your boyfriend?” and she says “No. My old boyfriend who kicked me out before I moved in with you. But he’s still got all my stuff, and he took out an order of protection against me.”

And I’m thinking, “How did she get my number? Did I leave my phone laying around the house and she stole it or something?”

And she’s saying she’s going to go over to his apartment and get her CD’s and a laptop he thinks is his. And I say “You’re going to get arrested,” and she says she still loves him, and I say “I’m not bailing you out of jail,” and she says she hates him and she’s going to cut his balls off, and I say “I’m not bailing you out,” and she says her grandmother gave her the laptop, and I say “I’m not bailing you out!” And then she hung up. Don’t know why she called me in the first place.

Anyway, the phone rang a couple of hours later, and…. You know. Well, rent was late that month. We had to buy the landlord a handle.

And Ashley just left one day. And now we miss her. So, wherever you are, Ashley, here’s to you. We hope you’re happy, and everything’s working out for you.

Well, that’s "Ashley Goes to Jail." We might do it again, and we might not. We’ll probably do something else.

That’s all, so “I'm not great at farewells, so uh... that'll do, pig.”*

*Woody Harrelson From Zombieland: Funniest single line in cinema in 2009.

Male Models From Outer Space

Dan and Patrick don't know it yet, but Foz the Hook is opening the set with this Chuxx classic tonight!






Male models from outer space
No hope for the human race
Male models with unchanging hair
Somebody save us from this despair.

Don't tell them. This decision is subject to change, and we might play the set list I sent earlier today.

Or we might play something altogether different, which is why YOU want to be there! You see, any of three highly entertaining things might occur.

A) We play the set advertised.
B) Foz changes everything at the last minute, and it's hi-larious.
C) Dan and Patrick kill Foz right on stage while you watch.

Either way, it is going to be a hot night at Cole's tonight. 2338 N. Milwaukee in Logan Square.

Did Foz say tonight? Yes! It happened! It is Wednesday again. The night we follow instructions!

Go to Cole's before 8. If you are funny, sign up starting at 8:30 and not earlier. If you are not funny, that means you are a real person. Grab a chair and tell a comic to go to hell!

FtH plays at 9:00 and it will burn like rough lovin'!
Cameron-or-Adam-or-Mo-or-Kevin goes on 9:30 and you laugh. After that it's comics and booze till you lose your hat.

Why would you miss it? You wouldn't!

Gooby!

Listen Dollies,

Your good buddy Foz has been a little under the weather for a couple of days. Just a little something in my nose, or rather just a lot of something out of my nose.

If you want a musical description of it, you will find it under the Allied Artists heading at the left. Follow the link to BUY Bobby and the Chuxx album Mr. Poorluck Buys Some China. Click on the song Herr Germy, the chorus of which includes the exclamation, “Gooby!”

Of course, "Gooby" isn’t just the sound you make when you contemplate in horror the evil monster you have expelled from your head while speedballing Nyquil and chicken soup. Don’t ask me how you turned chicken soup into that, because it’s your goo! You clean it up. Gooby is also the delightful and creepy 2009 straight-to-video Eugene Levy vehicle, Gooby. Above you will see a still from the hilarious scene where the title character sneaks up behind the little boy and garrotes him with piano wire. Don’t worry, the little boy is a Nazi, and Gooby is a British commando. You have to see it to understand it. I haven’t seen it.

Anyway, by now you understand that far preferable to creepy commando bear videos is the Chuxx track from Mr. Poorluck Buys Some China. Go and buy it now, while we all sing along:

There sits Germy

Alone and Sad,

He killed us all

That thoughtless cad.

From Germy’s germs

We had no tincture,

To keep us from bleeding from

Nose to Sphincter.

That’s right, my honey babies. Your pal Foz rhymed “Tincture” with “Sphincter”*. Foz’s lyric-writing symposium will be featured in the Old Town School of Folk Music catalog just as soon as the syllabus passes muster with the FCC.

In the meantime, join FtH tomorrow night (Wednesday) at 9:00 as we scald the room clean of germs at Cole’s. We play at 9:00. Funny Comics play at 9:30. Sign up is at 8:30, and no earlier! Otherwise Gooby the Creepy Bear will smother you in your sleep.

(*Foz didn’t do that. thos. e. did.)

Ramblin' Man Re-revisited

I don't know this lady or this band, but I assume the best. They are called Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegan, and they are pictured here because when one Googles "Ramblin' Man" this image comes up on the first page, and is far superior to any photo ever made of the Allman Brothers.

Which brings us to the point of today's discussion. Repeat after me:

"Rebate, bait your hook, hook the fish, fish the lake.

Read a map, map a trail, spare me all the details.

Thumb a ride, ride a train, train the boy, convoy.

Bug spray, spray your shoe, shoe the horse, force the horse."

These are the opening lines to the magnificent Schwa rap sequel to The Ramblin Man Song, Ramblin Man Revisited (circa 1984?). If these phrases don't make sense to you, please refer to the history of Bobby and the Chuxx which can be found under the Allied Artists link to the left.

Nevertheless these Steve Revare-penned masterpieces need to be heard to be appreciated, and you can't hear them because they don't exist on any Internet platform. You'll just have to either A - take my word for it, or B - come and see Foz the Hook at Cole's last Wednesday night using your IPhone's "Go Back in Time" app.

Holy Thing! What a great set that was! Man, oh, man were your buddies rockin. We opened the show with a fine little bit where Dan and Patrick vamped Somebody Write Some Music while Foz, dressed as a stevedore, came up on stage with a whiskey bottle in a brown paper bag. He took a long pull, looked at the audience, and launched into the first stanza of Ramblin Man Revisited, which segued right into Somebody. The result was just right. Lots of laughs, and a hot room for the rest of the set.

Adam Burke hosted the show, and the comics kept it going long after your pal staggered out into the cold, pursued by Coleman Brice with the hat I left behind.

When you forget your hat, that means you had fun.

Till next time, ladies, I am your most obedient servant,

FtH

Scary Vampires

Listen Babies,

We don't have much time because we all have to be at Cole's by 8:00 tonight for the comedy open mic. In case you don't know how these things work I'll spell it out for you.

1. Go to Cole's.
2. Buy me a drink (and get one for yourself).
3. Foz drinks Manhattans, ladies.
4. If you are funny put your name on Cameron Esposito's sign up list.
5. If not, just find a seat.
6. Watch Foz the Hook play at 9:00.
7. Watch Cameron play at 9:30. Be careful, she'll make you pee. Well, she won't force you to pee. She'll persuade you to pee through funniness.
8. After that I don't care much. If you're funny, get up there and show off.

OK, I never promised that I wouldn't use this blog to shill for me. As most of you know I make my bread by dealing in Abraham Lincoln stuff. You know, Lincoln signatures, documents, art, artifacts. Things like that. Anyway, Seth Grahame Smith's Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter went on sale yesterday, and you would love it. It's a sweet mash-up of fake biography and Gothic satire from the author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

You'll love it. But more importantly, you'll buy it. You'll buy it from me.

But you say "Foz, how can I buy a book over the InterWeb?" Here's how. Go to this web site. Get out your credit card, and buy the damnthing. You know you want it. The details are all here.

You can also buy it by meeting me at Cole's, buying me a drink, inviting me back to your place, cooking me a steak, putting on a little soft music, giving and receiving a little back rub, making sweet love all night long, sleeping in, buying me breakfast, surprising me at work, buying the book, meeting me later for supper, going out to see a little Jazz at the Greenmill, home for more love making, bringing me coffee and fruit in bed, and reading to me from the poetry of Anne Sexton.

Either way is good with Old Foz.

Rube Goldberg Fantasy!

My darling lovelies,

Yesterday Dear Ole Foz gave you a little video tickle that was scary bad, although I must admit that I could probably not pull off the vocal stylings of Boris the Molester.

Then this morning old thos e. sends me a link to the coolest thing ever. I know, I know, I told you that Foz the Hook brand anal beads was the coolest thing ever, but now there is a new coolest thing ever, and it is the video to OK Go's song This Too Shall Pass. The song is pretty good too. Put it on your ITunes download list after FtH's Gin-Soaked Yankee and after your FtH brand anal beads. Go! Go watch it now and come back.

Pretty cool, huh? Now, you were wondering how the show went last night. Good God, it was great. Your pals were hitting on all cylinders last night, that's for sure. We came up with a swell new opening, which now features Somebody Write Some Music instead of Keep Your Nose Clean. The audience was going crazy. Then we did My Kind of Mess with the longer intro (we don't do the long intros on comedy night, so you have to come out for the first Monday headliner). The intro really turned the audience on, and they totally got caught up in the lyrics. The gags in the lyrics rarely work so well.

The second set is where we usually put songs that still need a little polish, or are just too weird. But you know what? Last night everything worked. Whether we played Theme of the Guys From France or Eat Egg (two songs that work remarkably well when you play them consecutively) the jokes worked and the music was spot on.

Old Patrick and Old Dan were really hitting it last night.

Then we moved into the covers set. The covers also worked really well, even though your pals were starting to weave a bit.

The Dragon's Milk finally caught up with Ole Foz at about 1:07 A.M., when I sent a text message to work saying I would be late. It reads as follows:

"Not a chance. Just thought i would ray. See you on sober day. What?"

Guess when Sober Day is? It's today!

Oh, baby! Not now. My head is killing me. Just give Old Foz a good night's rest, and he'll take care of all your needs. In the meantime, try these anal beads.

Cyrillic Casanova

Hey, fans and lovers.

Old Foz is not finished adding a little spice to your dreary, unsatisfied lives. Today what should I find on my Facebooks but this fascinating brew of Slavic love crooning. Listen to Foz, ladies! If you don't know what you want, it's this - an eastern Eurpoean madrigal tooting the language of love in a dialect you can all understand. Hat tip to Foz's old chum, Yyllopa Travllaczyk.

So come on back over Foz's pad (sorry about falling asleep on you last time. I'm totally ready for an all-night session this time around). We'll mix some drinks, start a little fire, and put on some spellbinding music. Before you know it, you'll be doing that sweet walk of shame.

Oh, by the way. Foz the Hook plays tonight (that's Monday, March 1st kids) at Cole's at 9:00! Why don't you be there, and bring your weird cousin with a thing for piano players?

Foz is your special friend. Only Foz loves you this sweet.