Abe > Ike > McCarthy > Dahmer > Walker. The Connection!

When I was a kid I was unaware of the now generally understood fact that President Abraham Lincoln purged the young Republic of Vampires during the Civil War and even before.  He did, as we now know, actually dispatch a number of them personally by decapitation. 

Received History, the kind of narratives that The White Man spins to kids in school, failed for many years to reveal this – at least when I was a kid.  The reason for this was deeply rooted in the Cold War, and there is really too much confusion there to go into it deeply.  Let’s just say that Ike had a lot more on his plate to deal with than golf games and The House Un-American Activities Committee.  Also, you can’t blame Lincoln for the 1956 public decapitation of HUAC Chairman Joe McCarthy in a Racine Bordello.  But somebody was President of the United States then, and vampire killings in The Cheese State decreased significantly between the death of McCarthy and the election of Governor Scott Walker in 2010 (and Walker, as we all know, cannot account for his whereabouts during the period 1988-1991 when the patsy, Jeffrey Dahmer was allegedly killing and eating a bunch of people in Milwaukee).  Ike was up to something.  I’m just saying.

What was the point I was making?  Oh, yes!  Jeffrey Dahmer and Scott Walker.  Fer crying out loud, just look at them side-by-side!  They were both in Milwaukee for a while, they both killed and ate a bunch of people, and they were both, according to Wikipedia, Governor of Wisconsin [citation needed].  What more evidence do you need?

Which brings us to Cole’s Comedy Open Mic.  It starts at 9:00 tonight with FtH: Vampire Hunters, and continues with a great list of comics at 9:30.  Adam Burke will host, unless Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin ties him naked to a bed and drills holes in his skull while he is still alive and pours hydrochloric acid into the holes in order to ensure that Adam will remain young and sexy for his perpetual sexual exploitation.  In that event, Kenny Witzgall or Rhea Butcher will host.

AB(e)DUCTED Art Show Announced

Hey, Abe Babies!

I don’t need to remind you that Foz the Hook is the only comedy band that is officially recommended by Abraham Lincoln, the Sixteenth President of the United States.  We discussed this some time ago with the lovely ladies at Re:COM Mag.

There are a number of factors this endorsement addresses.   These are important, so listen carefully.  First, if you do like Foz the Hook, and our album Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces you are on the right side of history and your descendants will remember you as a Hero of the Republic.  Second, if you don’t like Foz the Hook then you are for the institution of human chattel slavery.  We’re not judging.  Make your own choices.

Next, we all remember that last December The Master Thief struck at Cole’s Bar and purloined the famous black velvet “Rivera” Lincoln (Seen here in one of the few surviving pictures).  This has broken hearts all over Logan Square, and even caused some comics to question the Meaning of Life.  In order to head-off this counter-productive streak of self-evaluation Tracy Kostenbader and the good folks at AnySquared arts cooperative are sponsoring a show:

The Honest Abe Art Show opens on Sunday, March 25 at Cole’s.  Check out the AnySquared events page for all of the details.  The most important thing to remember is that FtH is preparing an Abe-centric set list of songs that were Abraham Lincoln’s favorite songs, including Stephen Foster’s Beautiful Dreamer, Jonathan Richman’s Pablo Picasso, and the original 19^th Century arrangement of Vibrating Chicken Stomp.  So mark your calendar for March 25,  Be at Cole’s that night as a new Abe is selected and crowned.

Until then, be at the Cole’s Comedy Open Mic each Wednesday night at 9:00 to see FtH and your other friends drive you out of your mind.  

Four Score....

Dear Citizens,

Foz the Hook will not be able to sing for you this Wednesday because Your Pal Foz will have to go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, and give a speech or address of some sort.

You see, some time ago President Abraham Lincoln (pictured with his newspaper, pondering topical material for his stand up routine) gave an address at Gettysburg, and while it was fine for awhile, it is starting to wear a little thin.  So The People have begged Olde Foz to think of a new patriotic speech that will ring down through history for the next 150 years, just as Olde Abe's yeoman effort did back in 1863.

I'm not sure what I will say, but I always thought Abe's counting the years since the Revolution was a good way to start.  I could say "235 years ago..." or "Eleven score and fifteen years..."  or "Away back when..."

Also, Abe wasted a lot of time talking about America and stuff, and not nearly enough time publicizing his album.  At that time Abe was pushing an album of stand up called, Old Abe's Laughable Jokes and Gut-Busting Rhymes.  As you know FtH is publicizing our first album, Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces.

Abe's Gettysburg Address was actually a commercial disaster, even though the patriotic stuff had some staying power - I guess.  He just didn't know how to monetize it, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, Olde Foz will be in Gettysburg instead of Chicago, so there will be no music show on Wednesday at Cole's.  There will still be comedy with Cameron Esposito and Adam Burke and - to use Abe's phrase - a shit ton of awesome comics!  So come on out.

It is your patriotic duty.

Shhh! The TV is on.

I got nothin. Check out Drake's Cake's.

Also, buy this.

Scary Vampires

Listen Babies,

We don't have much time because we all have to be at Cole's by 8:00 tonight for the comedy open mic. In case you don't know how these things work I'll spell it out for you.

1. Go to Cole's.
2. Buy me a drink (and get one for yourself).
3. Foz drinks Manhattans, ladies.
4. If you are funny put your name on Cameron Esposito's sign up list.
5. If not, just find a seat.
6. Watch Foz the Hook play at 9:00.
7. Watch Cameron play at 9:30. Be careful, she'll make you pee. Well, she won't force you to pee. She'll persuade you to pee through funniness.
8. After that I don't care much. If you're funny, get up there and show off.

OK, I never promised that I wouldn't use this blog to shill for me. As most of you know I make my bread by dealing in Abraham Lincoln stuff. You know, Lincoln signatures, documents, art, artifacts. Things like that. Anyway, Seth Grahame Smith's Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter went on sale yesterday, and you would love it. It's a sweet mash-up of fake biography and Gothic satire from the author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

You'll love it. But more importantly, you'll buy it. You'll buy it from me.

But you say "Foz, how can I buy a book over the InterWeb?" Here's how. Go to this web site. Get out your credit card, and buy the damnthing. You know you want it. The details are all here.

You can also buy it by meeting me at Cole's, buying me a drink, inviting me back to your place, cooking me a steak, putting on a little soft music, giving and receiving a little back rub, making sweet love all night long, sleeping in, buying me breakfast, surprising me at work, buying the book, meeting me later for supper, going out to see a little Jazz at the Greenmill, home for more love making, bringing me coffee and fruit in bed, and reading to me from the poetry of Anne Sexton.

Either way is good with Old Foz.

Pondering the Death Star

Well, you pack of degenerates, your Old Pal Foz is living it up in the land of movie stars and magic. Upon arriving in Los Angeles for the big book fair we discussed yesterday I found that the whole affair was far more fancy-pants than I had suspected.

This Hyatt Century Plaza thing is located across from a building known in the "business" as The Death Star. 2000 Avenue of the Stars is the home of a big talent agency called CAA or something, and according to inside picked-me-up-at-the-airport sources this hotel is the place where all the big stars have their meetings with their "people" and decide which "project"* to take next. Well, your pal's room (with a patio) looks right across the avenue to the Death Star. This morning I drank my coffee and read my fancy-pants "Los Angeles Times" on said patio while watching either major Hollywood stars or valets (can't tell for sure from here) go in and out of the building.

Now, it is my mission here to sell a bunch of Abraham Lincoln stuff to movie stars while I'm here, and since today is the 16th president's 201st birthday, I am sanguine of success. Getting to it now, but check in at FozBlog regularly. There will be much more fun.

* It is standard practice, when writing about Los Angeles and the entertainment industry, to place at least one work per sentence in quotes.