Abe > Ike > McCarthy > Dahmer > Walker. The Connection!

When I was a kid I was unaware of the now generally understood fact that President Abraham Lincoln purged the young Republic of Vampires during the Civil War and even before.  He did, as we now know, actually dispatch a number of them personally by decapitation. 

Received History, the kind of narratives that The White Man spins to kids in school, failed for many years to reveal this – at least when I was a kid.  The reason for this was deeply rooted in the Cold War, and there is really too much confusion there to go into it deeply.  Let’s just say that Ike had a lot more on his plate to deal with than golf games and The House Un-American Activities Committee.  Also, you can’t blame Lincoln for the 1956 public decapitation of HUAC Chairman Joe McCarthy in a Racine Bordello.  But somebody was President of the United States then, and vampire killings in The Cheese State decreased significantly between the death of McCarthy and the election of Governor Scott Walker in 2010 (and Walker, as we all know, cannot account for his whereabouts during the period 1988-1991 when the patsy, Jeffrey Dahmer was allegedly killing and eating a bunch of people in Milwaukee).  Ike was up to something.  I’m just saying.

What was the point I was making?  Oh, yes!  Jeffrey Dahmer and Scott Walker.  Fer crying out loud, just look at them side-by-side!  They were both in Milwaukee for a while, they both killed and ate a bunch of people, and they were both, according to Wikipedia, Governor of Wisconsin [citation needed].  What more evidence do you need?

Which brings us to Cole’s Comedy Open Mic.  It starts at 9:00 tonight with FtH: Vampire Hunters, and continues with a great list of comics at 9:30.  Adam Burke will host, unless Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin ties him naked to a bed and drills holes in his skull while he is still alive and pours hydrochloric acid into the holes in order to ensure that Adam will remain young and sexy for his perpetual sexual exploitation.  In that event, Kenny Witzgall or Rhea Butcher will host.