Lola Land!

Well, FozFreaks, Foz the Hook's Freakshowcase is coming up next Monday night, October 4, at 9:00 p.m. at Cole's.

Now, Your Buddy Foz introduces you to a lot of swell people. Do you remember the time I introduced you to my brother-in-law's hermaphrodite hooker, and how you had such a great time reading the hermaphrodite hooker's treatment for a feature-length adaptation of America's Next Top Model, but it all takes place in a concentration camp, but Hogan plays Colonel Klink and Werner Klemperer is naked the whole time? Do you remember that? That was one funny hermaphrodite!

Which brings us to Lola Balatro. They're a band called Lola, but they look like this (see that above). They're also hilarious, they're damngood, and they know how to write funny songs about spoiled meat. As you know FtH has no songs about spoiled meat - only Cheese Jesus.

Seriously! We can't wait to play with these guys. We also can't wait to share a bill with our old friend, Ever Mainard.

This is what the Freakshowcase is about, my friends. Be at Cole's at 9:00 on Monday night for a free and fantastic night of rockin' comedy.

The Freakshowcase is Sooner Than You Think!

and that is when you are going to meet your new best friend, Ever Mainard. Check out Ever here as she lets you have it! She knows how to soften a tough crowd (the secret is to chew on them, like dried beef).

Now, I know you remember Ever from previous FozBlog postings. She has been performing with the comics at Cole's for more than a year. She comes highly recommended by Your Hero, Cameron Esposito. But you remember her most for her terrific "Homeless Men With Boners" bit that inspired Foz the Hook's summer hit, "Spring in the Square." That song is currently in the shop for repairs, but Ever's bit has grown in hilarity with continued exposure.

Ever will join Your Friends With Benefits, FtH, next Monday, October 4 at Cole's for the third installment of FtH's Freakshowcase. This is the only reason to come out on Monday nights, but it is a good one.

Time: 9:00 p.m.
Place: Cole's
Price: Free
Reason: Because you, like Your Good Buddies FtH, are sweet on Ever Mainard.

We hope she continues to wear this Slingblade shirt that has become part of her look lately. Very Sexy!

Not the Only Blog on the Internet!

Finally! Someone else used the Internet to set up a web log, or "blog," if you will. You all know that Your Pal Foz has long advocated that the Internet could be used for communication of ideas, as well as finding anonymous glory hole hookups.

Now Mo Welch (pictured here tittering at the glory hole joke I made), a funny comic, has set up a blog as part of her Mo Welch Web site.

Of particular note is this post, wherein Mo discusses the hugely popular Foz the Hook Freakshowcase that occurred back on September 6. There is even video of Mo doing a great performance that evening. Thank you for the kind words, Ms. Mo.

Final analysis: If you think you want to be Friend of Foz, you should give serious thought to being a Friend of Mo. It's because she's funny.

Thank you again, Mo, for joining the Freakshowcase on Labor Day.

The next Freakshowcase takes place on Monday, October 4, at Cole's. This most excellent program will feature Foz the Hook along with Featured Friends Lola Balatro, and comic Ever Mainard.

It is your favorite thing to do.

Take Me Back

Ok, Cole's, we should probably talk about this now that we're both a little more clear headed and sober. We both know that when Foz's Old Nemesis Vodka comes around things get a little crazy.

So yes, you found this photograph of Your Best Fella, Old Foz, at the show last night during the hot-n-bothered Comedy Open Mic. I admit that it is hard to explain this sort of thing away, but I'll try - and you have to promise not to get mad(der).

You see, I had to get naked because my undershirt was chafing me, and I couldn't concentrate while playing Cheese Jesus. Now, you wouldn't want Old Foz to chafe during the set and ruin a fun evening for everybody in the room. Really, are you that selfish?

OK, second, because I was chafing I asked my physician, Dr. Nakedlady, to prescribe a cure. Now everybody knows that the cure for chafing or loneliness is to drink a fifth of vodka from the bottle. You wouldn't want me to not follow my doctor's advice, would you? Sometimes I wonder about you.

Well, of course, the chafing was on my back, so I had to find someone to rub the vodka bottle - the cold, sweating, icey-hot vodka bottle - against my chafed back. I had to ask my doctor to do it, because you wouldn't do it, Cole's, because you just couldn't wait to see Jason Earl Folks tell his story about the bear. Tell me this, Cole's, what's going on between the two of you anyway? You're always talking about how funny Jason Earl Folks is, and then you run to the back room to see him perform when I'm trying to recite poetry to you at the bar. And how come you suddenly take up smoking when Jason Earl Folks goes outside after his set? I don't even think this is really about me. I think it's about you and your crush on Jason Earl Folks.

So, let's not hear anymore about the naked picture of Old Foz in the arms of Vodka-besotted Dr. Nakedlady. Enough!

Wait! No! I didn't mean it. I'm drunk. See, here's the vodka. It's not me talking. Please Please Please take me back. I can't live without you! I know deep in your heart you love me tooooo. Oh, Nooooooooo. Please stay! I can change! Pleaseee give Old Foz one more chance. We've had some laughs, haven't we?

In a Smokey Room.

A deputation of noted citizens appeared at Cole's recently. They came looking for Your Old Buddy Foz.

The distinguished gentlemen entered Coleman Brice's establishment on a bright Tuesday afternoon, hats in hand, and inquired after Your Buddy. Travis Bartender nodded wordlessly to the back of the bar.

They walked quietly, tentatively, to the room that was dense with cigar smoke and piano music.

Old Leon "Smoked Salmon" Strokes sat at the piano, working out some new chords to his old Brian Eno bit. He stopped briefly to sip from his whiskey on the rocks and returned to the keyboard.

Old Patrick and Young Leah mulled over a brace of Domain DuPage pints, mooning the way young lovers do.

Your Pal Foz sat quietly at at a back table, dressed down to his shirtsleeves, his tie at half-mast, and his Martini half-full. A thoroughly marked-up bar napkin spread out before him seemed ready to fall apart under the burden of fractured verse and bourbon-soaked tears. Tears shed for The People.

Around Your Trusted Friend hovered his usual security entourage of fourteen roller derby thugs. They rolled toward this deputation of gentlemen with a significance that could not be ignored, and the linoleum floor creaked ominously under 112 dangerous wheels.

With a wave of his hand Your Hero calmed the Paladinas, and they grudgingly made way for the intimidated band of worthies. They approached the table, glancing uncomfortably at the Bar Napkin of Truth spread out on the table before Old Foz.

Their news was not new, nor was their mission unexpected. Mayor Richard M. Daley had finally determined that the City of Chicago was too much for him. The reigns of power had grown warm for the now-old Young Pharaoh, and he was fleeing for greener pastures.

What then, for the The People? Who would lead? Who would assume the mantel, take up the heavy burden, and bring peace and prosperity to a city groaning under The Heel of tyranny? Bloodshot eyes, and heavy, hopeless hearts turned to the one Man who could bring a new dawn. A dawn made hopeful with a glow golden as the bourbon stains on Coleman Brice's table.

Your Pal listened quietly to the humbled representatives of a damaged populace. He thanked them for their trust, and promised a response after mature consideration of his responsibilities, his family, his correspondence, and his art.

Old Foz returned to his bar napkin as the roller girls quickly guided the deputation of noted citizens to the door.

What will be Old Foz's decision? Will he accept nomination and election for Mayor of Chicago? Will The People's pleas bend his heart toward taking up the Great and Grim Responsibility of governance? Is there a bar on the fifth floor of City Hall?

On the answers to these questions the fate of the city depends.

Until that Decision is taken, Your Special Friends in Foz the Hook will continue to shake the world of Cole's every Wednesday night in conjunction with the hottest comics in Chicago at Cole's Comedy Open Mic. Join Adam Burke, Cameron Esposito(!), Mo Welch, Matt Slater, and so many others at Cole's tonight.

Foz the Hook starts the amazing set at 8:45 or 9:00 (depending on The List), and Adam tickles your psyche at 9:15 or 9:30 (depending on The List).

So join us at Cole's tonight.

FtH can neither confirm nor deny at this time, as consistent with our well known, and publicly expressed, policies (and opinions) whether Your Pal Foz will be, or currently is, the mayor of Chicago.

Now let us mix Martinis and drink to the health of The Republic!

Freakshowcase, Babies!

Hey, Freak-kittens! Your Secret Lovers in Foz the Hook want you to know that your desperate pleas for comedy on Labor Day Night are going to be answered.

You knew you were going to BBQ on Labor Day. You knew you were going to sit in the sun with your friends. You knew you were going to drink light beer and play that game where you throw bean bags at a bike ramp with a hole in it. You suspected that the lawn darts game would result in an ambulance ride (and you were right). You knew deep inside that Her Drunk Friend would not go off behind the bushes with you, although what the two of them did do when that Katy Perry song played was pretty awesome.

You knew that the neighbors who hired the Mariachi band would probably have more fun than you did. They always do. You suspected that the pinata you bought at Costco would be filled with off-brand candy that made your kids sick.

You knew that changing from light beer to Vodka Gimlets before Noon would bring up the ceviche you ate for breakfast (along with the chicken wings you found sitting on the counter from last night). And you knew that your friend from college that you rarely see would bring harsh ditch weed that you will smell in the curtains of The Baby's room for weeks. Thank goodness you had the foresight to send the kid to Grandma's.

But after all that, what do you do with your Labor Day evening? You passed out at at 3:00 in the afternoon from the ditch weed, which means you won't be sleeping tonight. Well, come on out to Cole's for Foz the Hook's Monthly Freakshowcase!

The Show starts at 9:00. You know where Cole's is at 2338 N. Milwaukee in Chicago, America. See the Freaks!

See Mo Welch's Barbie-inspired stand-up mania!

See Matt Slater's amazing musical stand-up set!

See Your Favorite Band, FtH play cheerful songs about shame and disgrace!

What a great way to wrap up a long weekend, before you go back to work on Tuesday. Remember to buy new curtains for the Kid's room before Grammy brings her home and smells the overwhelming Harsh in the nursery.

You knew all along it would work out like that.