Casino Kit

One time I won a free vacation cruise to Alaska. I really did.

Never mind that.

I was drinking at the all night cruise ship bar when I heard a "code blue" sounded over the ship's emergency announcement thingy. There was a medical emergency in the casino.

I asked the bartender about it (he was Brazilian) and he said, "oh yes, we lose one every trip it seems. You see, the old people come on the cruise, they drink, they gamble and they don't take their pills. I guess they think they're also on vacation from their meds."

Nice. I guess you didn't need to know that the bartender was Brazilian to get that. Does that make me a racist against Brazilians? Yes! Those Ass-wiggling Samba-Freaks can get their feathered butts back to Rio and leave bartending to the Jamaicans as far as I'm concerned! (Which is not to say that I think Jamaicans are only fit to make rum-based cocktails. They're great with Vodka too - and Reggae).

Anyway, I knew that someday I would write a song called "The Ballad of Casino Kit," about a blue-haired lady who goes on a cruise to play the slots and take a break from her blood pressure medicine, and she DIES. And that day was right then and there at the bar with the Brazilian bartender while the lady I was writing about was most-likely fighting for her life on the floor (deck?) of the casino.*

But it did take several years (10 maybe) for me to teach the song to Leon and Patrick, so that you could hear it debuted tonight at Cole's Comedy Open Mic at 9:00. Will you miss this? No! Will you miss Cameron Esposito hosting? No! Will you miss Foz's new friend Alicia Eler as she hopefully sings her now famous song about breaking up with a fake lesbian? You better not! Be there.

By the way, I admit I did mention Brazil, which makes the illustration above pretty much obligatory.

* Good news. It was a guy who died, and it turned out he fell over drunk in the bathroom (of the casino) and hit his head on the sink. So I'm not as bad as you or I think I am.

A Real Tear Jerk(er)

To think that I couldn't think of anything to write today. And then Jeff Drake over at Drake's Cakes inspires us all with a heart warming story about warming one's heart in a pit of pig-and-dog feces.

"Feces" means "poopy"!

Read and weep Friends of Foz.

Then, on Wednesday night at 9:00, join us at Cole's for the next comedy open mic, featuring Cameron Esposito and all your other friends. We have several new tunes, including Ballad of Casino Kit and Spring in the Square.

Creeping You Out Since 2009!

It never has been the goal of Foz the Hook to make our friends creep out, but our continued residence at Cole's has made it clear that these people are sickos. Well, alright then. Just be that way.

Last week at Cole's Comedy Open Mic our friend Ever Mainard riffed on her life as a barista, and how that profession exposes a girl to getting exposed to.

The next morning Foz was digging random paper out of his shirt pocket when he found a wad of bar napkins scrawled with lyrics to a song called "Homeless Men With Boners," written in his own hand. The drunken lyrics were not right on, but the idea Ever inspired was. By Sunday we had a rough draft to work with, and tonight we will be able to debut the new FtH hit "Springtime in the Square."

Hope you enjoy it. Be at Cole's Comedy Open Mic before 9:00 tonight if you want to catch FtH's opening set. Sign up by 8:30 if you are a comic. If you aren't a comic, just be there! Maybe Ever will be there with more stories about degenerate wieners. You'll be creeped out by the whole thing.

I was too squeemish to do a Google image search on the phrase "Homeless Men With Boners," so you will have to settle for the next best thing - a photo of drunkard-poet Charles Bukowski in bed with his dollie.

Double Down Smack Down

Well Folks, it happened again.

Last night at 9:00 PM local time, a metric tonne of Chicago's funniest people started making a wild rumpus at Cole's bar. We raised a glass to our absent Irish friend, Adam Burke, and whiled away the evening with one out-of-control moment after another.

In tribute to Adam, today FozBlog features the fantastic promo poster he made for Cole's Comedy Open Mic. Great job, Adam. Come back soon.

Foz the Hook played what turned out to be a tight 2 1/2 song set, and here is why. We planned the Double Down Smack Down, a battle Royale between Leon "Rockfish" Strokes and Coleman Brice. Halfway through the set, Cole came up on stage, and we set up a table with two KFC Double Down Sandwiches (pictured in yesterday's post). While Patrick and Foz played Vibrating Chicken Stomp Leon and Cole raced to see who could finish their 1,000 calorie salt lick first. No napkins allowed!

At stake: If Leon won, Cole had to buy him a drink. If Cole won, Cole had to buy Foz a drink. Very sweet.

So Patrick started with the drums, I did the vibrating chicken, adding "Go" to the already inarticulate gobbling, and the boys were at it. It was a mess. The audience went crazy. KFC Special Heart Attack Sauce sprayed all over the audience. What a sight!

Coleman was winning handily when Old Leon pulled a fast one. With half a sandwich of his own left, Leon quickly reached over and grabbed the last bite from Coleman's hand, at the same time slyly slipping his own half-sand into Coleman's greasy fingers. Before Cole could react, Leon gobbled up the last bite of his "new" sammy, thus earning the win. Coleman accepted defeat gracefully, admitting that while Leon's victory might be a bit tainted, virtually everything about the KFC Double Down sandwich could be described as "tainted."

The crowd went wild! We finished up the set with Old Foz doing an improvised strip tease while singing Somebody Write Some Music. It was wrong. Thanks to Cameron Esposito for helping me undress.

Then, as I said, we passed it off to the comics, and I don't think the evening ever recovered. It was all just too beautiful for words.

Double Trouble Bubble Stubble Heart Attack!

Dear Sexies!

Your wait is over! Old Foz is back in town and tonight he and Leon and Patrick will double your pleasure (double not triple because Foz is too old to keep up with you young'uns).

Be at Cole's before 9:00. Be at Cole's at 8:30 if you are a comic. But if you are real be at Cole's by 9:00 when Foz the Hook opens a sultry evening of calories and laughing, hosted by Cameron Esposito.

There will be a surprise - a very, very gross surprise (see above).

So be there!

An Epoch of History

My Darling Swizzlestix,

I cannot meet you at Cole's next Wednesday because I will be in Tennessee. As some of you may already know Old Foz makes what bread he can break by historianing. When Foz was taking his graduate classes in historianing at Loyola University Chicago he worked during the summers as a National Park Service Ranger at the Shiloh National Military Park in Tennessee.

But you grow bored.

You see, Old Foz knows enough about the April 6-7, 1862 Civil War Battle of Shiloh that President Barack Obama* asked Foz to return to the National Military Park each year to tell people about the history of the Battle of Shiloh.

Here's the story in a nutshell, because I know how much Friends of Foz like their nutshells. The guy pictured above is General Albert Sidney Johnston of the Confederate Army. One day he found this tin cup, and he said, "Hey, is this anybody's tin cup? Cuz if it's not, I could use a good tin cup." And then all the guys said (they were Confederate guys), "Oh, oh! That's my cup!" and " I totally remember having that cup and then losing it." and "Give it to me! Give it to me!" And "Pass me one of them slaves, would ya." Well, they couldn't agree whose cup it was, and since the Confederate Army wasn't exactly some hippie commune where everybody shared everything, General Johnston just kept it for himself. And that's the story of the Battle of Shiloh.

Anyway, pretty ladies, if you're so put out that Foz the Hook won't be at Cole's next Wednesday, just join Old Foz in the Tennessee woods at Shiloh National Military Park, April 6-8, 2010. Shiloh isn't near anything, so I can't give you directions. Bring a sleeping bag. We can zip them up together.

*President Obama didn't do this.