Boring Nightmares!

Hey, Dreamsnake!  Cut it out!

You know I’m just going to wake up.  You can try to eat my hand all night, but I’m just going to wake up and go pee. So, why do you even bother?

What more, you are on TV.  You’re not even a real snake in my dream!  I am watching TV, and there is a NOVA on about snakes in Arizona that eat people who get caught in barbed wire fences.  The people get caught in the fence, and their really expensive alligator-skin cowboy boots stick up in the air until you – the snake – come and eat them while they scream and scream and scream…

But you’re not real.  Not even in my dream are you real, because even in my dream I am watching you on the TV. 

So, when you sneak up behind the couch and eat my hand that is resting up on the back of the couch, I am not going to scream and scream and scream.  Because you are on TV, AND you are only a snake in my dream.

I’ll just wake up, and go pee.  Maybe, I’ll get a glass of milk and go back to bed.

So, why, when you know you will never eat my hand in real life, did you re-run yourself in my dreams three times, after I ignored you and woke up three times.

Huh?  Why do you think I will be terrified the second time I dream you the exact same way when I just woke up and shut you off?  Why did you think I would be terrified the third time I had the exact same dream the same night?

It’s not working.  I’m not scared of you.  Whiskey will protect me from you.  It always does.

The rest of you:  Patrick isn’t available tonight, so come to Cole’s and watch Foz and Larry play whatever comes to mind and talk about snake dreams.  We start at 845 or 900.  The comics go after that.  I wonder what they dream about?

Thanks!

We have so many things to be thankful for this year.  When Your Pals FtH look back on the year past, and think about all of the talented and funny haha people who played with us, we are just bursting with thanks.  We are also thankful for some of the fine talent we already have lined up for our annual Foz the Hook’s War on Christmas Pageant.  Those hilarious comics and singers and what have you include, but are not necessarily limited to Kristen Clifford, Krystal Lafianza Pitzen, Bill Bullock, Rachel Ortiz, and Meredith Kachel.

We are all thankful that Leah Raffanti agreed to marry Patrick Stonehouse, and then actually did.  Everybody has been rather giddy over that the past week, and again everyone here at FozBlog sends our congratulations out to the happy couple. 

Also, Your Old Pal Foz is thankful for all sorts of things today.  Reflection does that, you know.  Once you start thinking of all the great good fortunes in your daily life, you naturally think back to all of the things you have to be thankful for in the past.

I am thankful for my good ole Mom and Dad, and my sibs. 

I am thankful for that first time FozBro threw a football at my groin, and taught me the true meaning of comic timing.

I am thankful for that exposed rebar and crushed concrete slab that broke my fall when I was 11, and my bike was careening uncontrollably down that cliff by the construction site.  What might have happened if I had missed it and plunged into that soft pile of sand at the bottom of the hill?  I shudder to think.

I am thankful for all the young ladies on the high school cheerleading squad who taught a featherweight, chicken-legged, piano player the true meaning of shame and disgrace.

I am thankful for that nasty bottle of Peppermint Schnapps that was passed my way in the backyard of the freshman house party. 

I am thankful to GrandpaFoz for taking me to those East Sunset Boulevard crushed velvet dives, and for trying to buy me all of his favorite middle aged hookers.  Most young men just read Charles Bukowski stories!

I am thankful for condoms.

And I am thankful that today is Wednesday, which means that tonight is Cole’s Thanksgiving Turkey Coma Open Mic, starring Sweet Sonia Denis and Mad Adam Burke and Angry Uncle Kenny Witzgall!   It’s the most thankful open mic in town, so get there by 8:30 to See Foz the Hook’s 9:00 set!  The Thanksgiving funny business starts at 9:30.

Meet Cute Tonight at Cole's

Oh, my cuties!

What a beautiful day it is!  It is a day for love and for romance.  A day when there is magic in the air.  A day when that very special thing might just happen for you. 

You might meet him walking down the street. 

You might jump out of a cab and run right into her.  Sure, she’ll be all aggravated at first.  She’s a professional gal that doesn’t have time for you, but tonight she will sip margaritas with her sassy urban-looking friend and complain that there are no good men out there.  Then she will find the presentation thumb drive you accidentally dropped into her hand bag when you were fighting over the cab, and she will call you in an effort to give it back, but she can only meet you as you are going in to the Manhattan high rise to make your presentation to the White Man with the urban-looking assistant.   Then you will spill coffee on the White Man and he’ll get really mad, but at the last minute it will turn out that your meet cute girl is his Incorrigible Daughter, and you get the contract, and she will be your new Quirky Girlfriend. 

Later, after the credits roll, you will sleep with her urban-looking girlfriend, but you will then find out she has been sleeping with David Patraeus.  Isn’t life a free-spirited goofy romp?  Ah, amore!

If hilarious romantic hijinks are your thing, come to Cole’s tonight at 9:00, as Your Pals in Foz the Hook present:

Leah and Patrick’s Pre-Wedding Cole’s Open Mic Concert!

Featuring:  Your Pals, Foz the Hook!

And

Nobody Else!

Be there at 8:30 for a 9:00-ish show, followed by Cole’s Meet Cute Open Mic.

It will be the closest you get to having a big, crazy, Hollywood wedding with Leah and Patrick! 

Bring the birth control of your choice.  This is your big opportunity to make a terrible, terrible mistake!  Foz will be there to enable the whole, disgraceful thing.

Congratulations, kids!  It couldn’t have happened to nicer people!

Where is Patrick?

It has been two weeks!  Two weeks it has been since Patrick Stonehouse played drums with FtH.  It’s been so long since Patrick made the Wednesday night gig at Cole’s, where we, Your Pals in FtH, drive you wild with enthusiastic spasms of laughing, that I have almost forgotten what Patrick looks like.

Fortunately, I remembered that Patrick came to the Fourth of July Cole’s Hundred-two Degree Christmas Party last July 4^th.  I took pictures of that event because it included a primer on how foreigners play football.  After going through several fine pictures, I found this picture of Patrick Stonehouse relaxing with a non-alcoholic beverage after a scalding game of Not Football. 

Patrick has looked better.  In fact Leah Raffanti insists that this is actually a picture of Adam Burke, but since the subject is drinking a non-alcoholic drink, it couldn’t be Adam.

If you have any questions, ask Adam Burke tonight at the Cole’s Comedy Open Mic with Adam Burke and Kenny Witzgall and Sonia Denis.  You’ll go so crazy you’ll never drink a non-alcoholic beverage during a game of Football during a 102 degree Christmas party again!

It starts at nine.  Your pals might be broke, so bring extra beer money for us.