Poison Valentines - Part Deux!

Good morning, my lovelorn cuties!

The day you have been waiting for has arrived!  Can you stand the anticipation?  Tonight is the night!  Tonight it is really going to happen for you!  It is your turn to shine, my little heartbroken lonely-hearts. 

Are you going to meet someone special at Cole’s tonight?  Make that connection you have been craving?  Find that spark that brings light to your life?

Of course not.

Something much better will happen.  You will see Foz the Hook’s Poison Valentines Pageant!  It is the long-anticipated bombshell song-and-dance (no dancing) extravaganza that will jump-start your aching hearts, and then leave you awash in disgrace and self-recrimination. 

She left you?  Yeh, it’s probably because you’re a loser.  You’re the one who had to spend the rent money on Madden ’12, and she wasn’t some kind of video game dork-loving Lana Del Rey either (More on that in a later post). 

He had sex with you on the first date and never called again?  You told your little “joke” about having daddy issues, didn’t you?  Yep.  No use over-analyzing it.  You can’t take that one back.

That is why Foz the Hook created the Poison Valentine Pageant, and invited all of your best comedy friends to play along.

See Wild Bill Bullock, the Sax Man of Notre Dame.  His smoldering alto lines will drive you wild!

See The Duchess, Krystal Lafianza Pitzen, whose Booze-Flooze act stole your heart last Christmas!

See Rachel Taylor, The Audrey Hepburn of haggis chefs!

See Natalie Jose, the Patsy Cline of Patsy Cline tribute bands!  Her sizzling sideways glance will pitch you into cataracts of woozy wishings.  Wishings that, lets face it, will remain just that.  Come on.  Her and you?  She’s a classy lady, Cole’s.

Maria*.

So, meet us at Cole’s tonight at 9:00, order up a double anesthetic from Coleman Brice at the bar, and join Your Pals FtH, for the Poison Valentines Pageant!  See you there!

Maria Wojciechowski broke up with you, Cole’s.  She found a paying job in the suburbs, and will be giving her new sugar-room all sorts of her hilarious sweet stuff while you’re stuck in Logan Square with the likes of us.   Why do I have to be the one to tell you these things, Cole’s?  You’re a FREE show.  How did you ever get it through your numb skull that you could attract and hold on to a beautiful woman like Maria Wojo.  What is it with you, anyway?

A Sunday of Funnies

Last Sunday night your Olde Pal Foz had himself a wonderful time at Cole’s. Yes. I know that I always have a great time at Cole’s, and I spend a lot of time there. That is because of the unique intersection of art and booze that Coleman Brice provides his customers.

Sunday was the conclusion of the fabulous annual Milwaukee Avenue Arts Fest, and Cole lined up an unbeatable bill for the evening. It started with some terrific deejay types spinning vinyl Jazz discs. These Frisky Grannies DJ’s had quite a collection of classics, and spending the hottest part of the afternoon swinging to great music in an air conditioned bar was a definite first choice for me.

The second round of entertainment was silent movies, with live music provided by the same dissipated piano player who is writing this blog – right now! Cole gave me three DVD’s to choose from, including the Murnau’s 1922 masterpiece, Nosferatu. We did not see Nosferatu on Sunday, but might in the future. I chose to go with a “B” feature starring the that great Edwardian Hottie, Gloria Swanson. The Danger Girl (1916) was “supervised” – which I guess is old timey movie talk for “produced” – by the first great comic film maker, Mack Sennett. In this 18 minute slapstick old Gloria cross-dresses and indulges in some hot, sweet, girl-on-girl action to win back her wavering fella.

The feature film was a 25-minute Charlie Chaplin flick called Shoulder Arms (1918). In this story from the early (or earlier) part of Chaplin’s career, he plays a bumbling Doughboy who accidently captures Kaiser Wilhelm and wins World War I for the allies. I wonder if Quentin Tarantino thought he was doing something crazy and unusual when he changed the end of World War II for Inglorious Basterds?

Playing piano for silent films was a new experience for me. I could have done it better, but I look forward to trying again. I was surprised at how much easier it was to score the Chaplin film, because of the brilliance of his physical comedy. Sennett’s more narrative style didn’t provide as many opportunities for the music to interact with the action. If I am going to play piano for silent movies involving romance I am going to have to learn more Stephen Foster tunes. Knowing how to play and improvise around When Johnny Comes Marching Home proved valuable for Shoulder Arms, while The Danger Girl could have used some Beautiful Dreamer.

After the silent films the evening continued with a comedy show hosted by Cameron Esposito, and then wrapped up with a truly wonderful couple of sets by Chicago’s Patsy Cline tribute band, The Weepin Willows.

Check out the Weepin Willows Performance here, but be advised that You Tube does not come close to capturing how completely Natalie Jose fills the room with her strikingly powerful voice.

Later, I woke up in my bed, and found the refrigerator door open.

Must have been a good night.

Our accompanying picture features either Cameron Esposito, Natalie Jose, or Gloria Swanson. Leave your answer in the comments section. Correct answers earn a kiss from Foz.

Forty Funny Things

happened at Cole's last night as Foz the Hook opened for the open mic, which was hosted by Mo Welch and Kevin Hogan. As usual, the show featured a long list of forty comics, who did some serious funny business. There were excellent sets by the likes of Natalie Jose and Christopher Condron. Also, the comics/real people ratio seems to be down to about 2/1. The bar was full and there seemed to be sixty souls in the back room. This is getting to be one of the best free comedy shows in Chicago.

But you are here to read about the FtH set, no? Well, we took a bit of a risk by opening with Somebody Write Some Music, a spoken word beat poem. Drums and bass got rearranged into a more regular Jazz vamp, and we even added a piano intro. It was a good call, and credit is due Dan for suggesting. It turned out to be an amusing segue from background music to beginning the show, and the room gradually transitioned from chat mode to show mode. That's so much better than shouting at everybody to shut their yaps and watch the funny.

With Drunk Astronauts yada yada yada.

Dancing was reported in the back of the room during Vibrating Chicken Stomp. That's what I'm talking about! It's not like we're playing Clair de Lune here. If a barn yard song with three upsetting super-vibrato chicken blurts makes you want to writhe on the ground like you're having a Grand Mal, then just drop trow and do it.

Gin-Soaked Yankee made the list tonight, and we all agreed that it went alright. This is not a laugh out loud song, but it's super fun to play. When the vocal performance gets up to speed, I think people will get into it.

Then we used Whiskey What Done It to lead into the Mo Welch Fanfare. This was an audience participation idea, so the audience gets the credit for just how crazy it it got. Basically, Foz got the audience to start chanting "Mo! Mo! Mo!" Then we did it double-time with Patrick increasing the pulse and Dan laying down a bass drone. Finally, when the whole room was thumping "Mo," Foz screamed out Led Zepplin's Immigrant Song, naturally substituting "Mo" for Robert Plant's "Waaaaaa".

Once we turned the show over the Mo and Kevin they kept the wild going for the rest of the night.

Regular hosts Adam Burke and Cameron Esposito turned up after their date at Schuba's, and that kept things on fire for the rest of the evening. Adam and Cameron have really created a comedy monster at Cole's. Can't wait till next week.

Oh, Also! Both Dan and Patrick begged off early, saying they had to get some sleep. They were both still there drinking when Foz staggered out at last call. I love this band.