Wake Up! Time to Die!

Hey, look!  It’s 2014!

Was 2014 the year you always expected to die?

Probably not.

Is This Your Year?

William Shakespeare was born the same year I was, in last digits.  He died in 1616.  He wrote thirty-two plays (I guess – I’m not going to look it up).  He also wrote two hundred eight poems (almost certainly not, but I’m not going to look that up either).  My life span will equal his in two years.  Up to this time I have written zero plays (that is exactly accurate), and my best poem is probably The Ballad of Casino Kit.  My friend, Jeff Drake, wrote the words to With Drunk Astronauts.  Does this mean I should get busy making something worthwhile in my limited time on earth?  Of course not.  We have much better medical care now than in 1616 England.  My brain will probably live on in a jar of formaldehyde and control an external organic robot (replicant?) made by a 3-D printer.  I choose talking dog.

Anyway, it’s the new year, and that’s no big deal.  You probably won’t die, but you might. 

The Bard of Avon.  A Huge Disappointment.

Don’t waste your time writing plays.  You won’t write any that are as good as Shakespeare.  Well, you might write one that is better than Timon of Athens.  Is that really your goal?

Just relax and get a drink.  Life is sweet.

Join Foz the Hook at Cole’s tonight at 8:45 as we begin our fourth year of playing Cole’s Comedy Open Mic!  At approximately fifty-two performances a year, that makes two hundred eight shows.

Suck on that, Bard of Avon!

Eugene: The Naked Face-Eating Zombie Dude

Since this post will be in part about naked face-eating zombie dudes I worked very hard to find the prettiest picture I could find of my old pal, Cameron Esposito (From the Feast of Fun website).

The rumors are true.  All of them.  I don't even know how it came to this, that we should have to talk about it.  FtH loves Cameron Esposito, our joke-telling pal.  Didn't you figure that out yet?

Yes, FtH and Cameron Esposito have a thing going on!  We play funny songs and then Cameron tells jokes.  We even do it right out in the open.  Sometimes it is so obvious, it is like we are right up on stage, right in front of everybody, telling jokes and singing songs.  Really, the embarrassment should be on your part, with all of your ingrained stereotypes and assumptions about Lady Comics and Comedy Bands.  Blame society if you must, but the truth remains - somebody needs to open up their mind to new types of people and lifestyles and orientations.  Some bands are - you know - funny.  Some comedians are even - you know - female.

Tonight Cameron Esposito is leaving us to go to California where nice people will welcome her and make her feel good.  There she will tell jokes.  Isn't that swell?  We'll miss her.  Join us tonight at Cole's to send Cameron away with class.  We will begin disgracing ourselves with maudlin caterwauling at 9:00, and Cameron will outclass the lot of us at 9:30.  After that it's your turn.

Speaking of class, the other rumor is true too.

We are naked face-eating zombies. What?  You couldn't tell?

William Tells All!

You know that normally we talk about our shows before we perform them.  We do this because we know that you like to actually see us perform something instead of hearing the rumors later.

Last night, however, was different.  Because of the historic announcement that Your Pals in FtH had convinced President Barack Obama to state clearly his support for equal application of marriage laws to everybody – people keep calling it “Gay Marriage” for some reason, but the official title is Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States – we were not able to get a blog post out in time.

But last night turned out to be a terrific show, titled “Foz the Hook’s Gay Marriage Fantasy!”  We did mostly FtH love songs like My Kind of Mess and Gin-Soaked Yankee, but we also did a few bits about marriage equality and bits celebrating love in other ways. 

Here is Old Foz’s bit describing his broad-minded support of intimate personal kinks, which was, as usual, a thinly veiled attempt to pick-up some of the ladies in the back room (unsuccessful this time, but soon!).  

You know your old pal, Foz is a ladies man!
  

Sure, I believe in gay marriage and gay sex and lady sex and man sex and intense, upsetting, screaming, howling-at-the-moon, squatting naked in the corner and weeping over a broken bottle of whiskey sex.
 

So if any of you ladies has a William S. Burroughs kink, just give a tug on Old Foz's sleeve.  All we need is a bottle of gin, a fistful of amphetamines, an apple and a handgun!
 

I know how to show a lady a good time.

Foz also talked about some stuff that was more, you know, not-as-funny.  No need to go over that.

Anyway, my only point here is that because of our president’s support of marriage equality Foz the Hook was able to demonstrate that making a joke about famous beat author William S. Burroughs blowing his wife’s head off while playing drug-fueled William Tell games is not as good a pick-up line as you would have thought.

It’s that simple.

Listen, I can’t get you out to Cole’s last night, but maybe you will come by next week.  Could be fun.  Bring an apple.  Make a friend.