Boring Nightmares!

Hey, Dreamsnake!  Cut it out!

You know I’m just going to wake up.  You can try to eat my hand all night, but I’m just going to wake up and go pee. So, why do you even bother?

What more, you are on TV.  You’re not even a real snake in my dream!  I am watching TV, and there is a NOVA on about snakes in Arizona that eat people who get caught in barbed wire fences.  The people get caught in the fence, and their really expensive alligator-skin cowboy boots stick up in the air until you – the snake – come and eat them while they scream and scream and scream…

But you’re not real.  Not even in my dream are you real, because even in my dream I am watching you on the TV. 

So, when you sneak up behind the couch and eat my hand that is resting up on the back of the couch, I am not going to scream and scream and scream.  Because you are on TV, AND you are only a snake in my dream.

I’ll just wake up, and go pee.  Maybe, I’ll get a glass of milk and go back to bed.

So, why, when you know you will never eat my hand in real life, did you re-run yourself in my dreams three times, after I ignored you and woke up three times.

Huh?  Why do you think I will be terrified the second time I dream you the exact same way when I just woke up and shut you off?  Why did you think I would be terrified the third time I had the exact same dream the same night?

It’s not working.  I’m not scared of you.  Whiskey will protect me from you.  It always does.

The rest of you:  Patrick isn’t available tonight, so come to Cole’s and watch Foz and Larry play whatever comes to mind and talk about snake dreams.  We start at 845 or 900.  The comics go after that.  I wonder what they dream about?

9/11 Hilarity Comes to Cole's!

Celebrate 9/11 Down on the Bayou!

Hey, Cole’s, my dark-souled nihilist babies!

Do you have your 9/11 jokes ready to go?  Everybody has them.  They are definitely the thing now.  We all promised that we would never forget, and we didn’t.  We just remember 9/11 ironically now.   

Here is a swell picture of how some fellow in Lafayette, Louisiana commemorated 9/11 by putting these wacky graphic airplanes on the local memorial.  Your old pal, Tony Blanco found it.  Apparently, they are inscribed with some Truther kind of stuff.  I guess he showed us!  Thank goodness HE figured out the truth, cuz the rest of us weren’t even watching.  We were just sooooo wrapped up in our little narrow-minded white picket fence worlds!  Thanks!

Anyway, bring your 9/11 jokes to Cole’s tonight. Foz the Hook starts at 845, and the comics go at 930.  We’ll all remember that thing we weren’t going to forget.

What was it again? 

I need a drink.

What the World Needs Now...

Jackie + Col. Foz, 1965

Jackie DeShannon (1965) and Dionne Warwick (1970) agreed that the World needs a little Love Sweet Love. 

Ebony and Ivory live together in perfect harmony.

Today The News tells me that even Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad agrees that the sweet smell of Sarin is not as wonderful as the warm, familiar embrace of conventional weapons of mass slaughter.  He’s willing to let Putin hold on to his gas rather than smoke out more Syrian kids.  The World needs that too!

Dionne + Col. Foz, 1970

Progress is slow, but steady. 

Do you know what else The World needs?  How about another comedy open mic in the city of Chicago?  Yes!

Tonight, Your Pals Foz the Hook’s cousins Colonel Foz will be appearing at The Last Thing the World Needs open mic at the Belmont Pour House Bar at 1113 West Belmont, in Chicago, which is in America.  Not Syria.  Which is good.

Golda + Col. Foz.  Golon Heights, 1973.

You remember Colonel Foz, don’t you?  Of course you do.  He is the famous country music star who played with Ronstadt and Jagger and Janice and Gramm and Ozzie and Hank 1 and 3.  He has also been tied romantically to such starlets as Taylor, Mylie, Ingrid, Golda, and Jagger.  Tonight The Colonel will join Brian Zachary Earl and the other producers of this fine, new room in an attempt to get things warm and lubed for the comics. 

Last Thing Oopen Mic + Col. Foz, 2013!

Be at Belmont Pour House at 8:00 for The Colonel’s 8:15 set.  Brian will set the comics on you at 8:30.  What you do after that is your business!

The Revolutions Were Televised, and They Were Really Good!

Listen to me, lovers.

I don’t know what else to say about the last twenty-four hours of showbiz that has transpired around FozBlog, other than woo hoooo! 

We know some talented folks.  Of course, Your Pals Foz the Hook are the best thing in the world at what they do, but it is a pretty small world.  Still, yes, FtH is riotous, thoughtful, sexy, tight as all get-out, and non-oppressive while still possessing an unspoken sexual power that is fascinating to all genders and species.

That’s not the point.  Not right now, anyway.

Last night two of the funnier ladies and two of the better humans we know had some richly deserved good fortune come their way.  These are the kinds of things we wish would happen more often, but if they did we would all just hyperventilate until we passed out, and then get up again to hyperventilate some more.

Me.  I would giggle.  I would giggle like I am now until my brain exploded.

Maria plays Accordion.  You Don't, Probably.
Photo by Monte LaMonte

First, the Case of Maria Wojciechowski.   We met Maria a few years back when we shared a bill that Rich Zito put together.  Maria played ukulele before “adorkable” was even a word, and Zoe Deschanel was just a blank stare.  Maria went on to sing with FtH a time or two, subbed when the band was down and Foz was too lonesome and scared to sing all by his lonesome, and even participated in one (so she tells me) holiday pageant, Foz the Hook’s Summer Games.  I could swear she was on a Poison Valentine bill, but she assures me she was not.  Anyway, the point is that Maria is so cute, and so cheerful, and so Omni-talented that anybody would want to rush out and see her one-person show, Almost a Genius.  Cute title.  “Oh, Maria, you are a full genius, you cutie cutie pie!”

Suicide Jokes!  Try Yours Out Tonight!
Photo by Monte LaMonte.

So, imagine this bitter old drunkard’s pleasant surprise when I went to the Playground Theater last night to see Maria Wojo pop the lid off her inner-Strindberg, and light up the room with a jubilant inferno of bipolar tales, replete with adorable cries into the screaming void and quirky suicide confessions.  It is hard to say what to like best.  Certainly, the show is funny, but the tone is so darn chipper and the material is so darn terrifying and heartbreaking that I wanted to hate myself for laughing.  I guess that was not the point.  Ms. Wojo seems to have translated her bunny-demons into genuinely good art, and the point would seem to be that the audience might understand the functions of a crazy-crazy brain better for seeing this. 

This would be better and funnier for the audience than hating themselves.  See, never settle for the easy choice.

I cried a little.

Maria!  The August Strindberg of Adorkable!
Photo by Monte LaMonte.

So, to summarize Part One, go see Maria Wojciechowski’s wonderful one-woman show, Almost a Genius.  It is playing at the Playground Theater each Tuesday night through September.  I forgot the rest of the details, but you can find them here.  The show costs whatever, but pay her more than that.  She gives all the proceeds, after paying off the theater, to services for Bipolar folks or whatever.   Aaaaahhhhh.  That’s cute!

Second, the Case of Cameron Esposito.  Cameron is great.  I saw her do a one-woman show at The Playground about 18 months ago.    I won’t even go into it, since this blog has been the Cameron Esposito Fan Club since its inception.  It would normally be enough, from FtH’s point to view, to just include Cameron’s name and the word inception in the same sentence, and then call it a day.  However, as we discussed in yesterday’s post, last night Cameron celebrated the anniversary of her first year in Los Angeles by appearing on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, along with Ferguson’s other guest, Leno.

That's Cameron. Look!  That's Cameron Esposito!

  This was going to be a good thing in any case, but wow, did it ever become a good thing.  First, Cameron killed.  She murdered Messrs. Ferguson and Leno, along with The People of the World by charming them all with tales of coon skin hats and marriage and freedom for Americans.  Then, instead of just saying thank you and going away, she made these famous men invite her up to have a good talk about how great she was.  I’m not going to walk you through it.  You can watch it here after reading Marcus Gilmer’s short story in the Suntimes.

It occurred to me today - and this is why I can’t stop watching that video - that a little something awesome was described by this interaction.  It wasn’t that Craig Ferguson practically appointed Cameron the New Dictator of Late Night Comedy TV.  It wasn’t that Leno declared “You’re the future.  White Men are on the way out.  Lesbians Rule!”  These could have been jokes.  They were jokes.  These things are all in Cameron’s future, no doubt, but these were jokes.  The fun and awesome thing described was that these two famous old normal dudes saw such great material for jokes in celebrating the fact they aren’t the normal ones anymore.

Leno and Ferguson Give it Up for The New Normals!

Ferguson and Leno didn’t make some revolutionary declaration about a broad change in comedy.  That change is already is happening.  It is just that they are accustomed to standing in the spotlight and describing the world from their normal point of view.  You know, normal is what straight white dudes say is normal, so funny is what straight white dudes say is funny.  Last night these guys did not give Cameron the spotlight, like they were giving some nice gift to the nice lesbian lady.  They just sat back like two happy old fossils –Statler and Waldorf as Ferguson said – and watched the new version of normal, the new landmark from which to see funny, kill the room while they gleefully tossed peanuts from the gallery. 

I cried a little.

Lookout, Comedy!  There’s a new normal in town, and it wears a side mullet!

Congrats, Cameron!  Hope to see you again soon.

Finally, go to Cole's tonight.  FtH plays at 845, right before a maudlin piano-playing drunk reels through the bar begging everyone to listen to his stories of how he used to know Cameron and Maria!  We were like THIS!