Bitter Tears and Blackout Diaries!

Well, that was fun, but it was also sad.  Good ole Rhea Butcher did her swansong at Cole’s last night and everybody had a swell time. 

Rhea later told Foz that she’d never had a theme song before – FtH always played her up with a bad-and-wrong rendition of Henry Mancini's Peter Gunn Theme – and I must confess to tearing-up a bit at the knowledge that I had the privilege of playing such a solemn and pleasurable role in a young lady blooming from the innocent blush of girlhood to full womanhood.   What comedian doesn’t remember the thrill of her first theme song?  Years hence will she turn silently from her adoring fans – for just a moment – and let her mind race back to that thrilling first experience under the gentle hands of an older Olde Foz (and Patrick and Larry)?  Will a fragile tear course down her sweet face even as her shiny new L.A. backup band pauses and reverently permits her mind to take her back to that first-and-forever experience when the windows blew open, the drapes snapped in the breeze and the maniacal railings of faux-brass and kazoos wafted in on the warm Chicago evening air?  We can only hope so.

But time waits for no one, little Fozlings.  This Saturday evening, your new favorite country music singer, Colonel Foz, will return to Blackout Diaries with Sean Flannery.  This is episode 17 of the amazing monthly recitation of the crimes and humiliations that result from our love-love relationship with our first love, sweet sweet booze.  Who will be on the bill besides Good Old Sean and Your Pard, Colonel Foz?  Only the incredible Mikey Manker; the unbelievable Candy Lawrence; the irreproachable Anne Root; the unattainable Puterbaughz; and the incomparable Matteo Lane!  Tickets cost $10.  Get them from This Guy.  Buy early!  Stay late!  $2 Blatz!  Don’t make me explain why that’s a great deal.  Just get to The Beat Kitchen on Saturday night at about 9, and begin this month’s adventures in blackout!

See you there!  Well, not actually, we’ll all be pretty blind drunk.  $2 Blatz!

Separation Anxiety Part Two

The new school year is coming, and before long thousands of young parents, and much younger kindergartners, will face that painful moment when Mom goes away (Mom in this case for the purpose of argument; I know a few womanly gents who drop their kids off at school too), and she doesn’t come back anytime soon.  Baby is left at the mercy of twenty or so equally terrified peers and a horrified Montessori grad on her first day of work.  This is a big day.  This is the day all of the children begin the long, twelve-year, process of culling the herd, and measuring the weak for their therapist’s couch.  It’s the first day of school, and separation anxiety is in the air.

So it goes for Your Pals in FtH.  Less than a year after we gave up our darling Cameron Esposito to the glittering golden apple that is Los Angeles, our new favorite ladyhost of Kole’s Kickass Komedy open mic (I hope that abbreviation takes hold) is also leaving, and also leaving for LA, and even leaving for an area that is in pretty close proximity to Cameron.  Maybe they’ll see each other?

Tonight we will cry bittersweet tears as Rhea Butcher, The Butcher of Akron, gives her swansong as host of the Cole’s open mic.  If you haven’t been to the mic lately, tonight will be a good show.  Come out and send Rhea off with a big, fat, kiss, or a cool and appropriate hand shake – If you don’t know which of those is right for you I don’t think I can help you.

Good bye, Rhea!  We will miss you and follow your good deeds with cheers!

The Heroes of Summer

Soon the summer Olympics will be drawing to a close.  It is time for us to recognize some of the great and talented people who have made these games an affair to remember.

Remember all those gold medals in swimming?

Remember when Robocop won the right to sprint with all the human athletes?

Remember when that one kid wouldn't fix her pony tail, and in spite of all the gentle - and totally appropriate - reminders to fix her pony tail she didn't fix her pony tail?  I think she had her gold medal taken away, didn't she?  I don't know for sure.  I've been pretty drunk these past two weeks, but when I hear tell of an innocent little kid who won't fix her pony tail and they take away her gold medal and send her to RUSSIA I get pretty mad.  And when I get pretty mad I drink even more.

Do you remember when Foz the Hook hosted Foz the Hook's Summer Games at Cole's last Wednesday night?  Do you remember that?  It was awesome, and even more American heroes were born.

Jason Earl Folks won the Gold Medal in the Haggis Toss.  Rachel Ortiz led the American squad onto the field astride a dressage unicorn while bagpiping The Haggis March by Robert Burns.  Krystal LaFianza-Pitzen achieved the world record for the fastest rendition of Cole Porter's It's Too Darn Hot played by a band that is playing twice as slow as they are supposed to.  Maria Wojciechowski sang Gershwin's Summertime so beautifully that she received a marriage proposal from North Korean strongman Kim Jong Un (and he's a newlywed himself)!  Do you remember when the Kates-Caits sang Chris Isaak's Wicked Games so beautifully that we all had to stop and have a good cry?

Do you remember Meredith Kachel's magnificent poster that she made just for the event?  Probably not.  Due to technical problems in transmission this is the first time I am showing it to you.

It is so beautiful, I had to sit down and have a good old cry.

Thank you, Meredith!  Even though the poster wasn't part of the actual show we are all thrilled and proud to have it.  All of the cast members will get their own copy (even Kate from the Caits, who didn't quite fit in.)

If there is anybody who wants amazing drawings made by a funny lady who is Old Foz's good pal, contact Meredith Kachel.

We shall work together again sooner than you think.

Summer Games are Here!

Good morning, Americans!

It has been six (7) long months, but Your Pals, Foz the Hook are ready to bring you the third installment of our Quarterly Pageants at Cole’s.  So far, you have made huge successes of Foz the Hook’s War on Christmas, and Foz the Hook’s Poison Valentines Pageant. 

Tonight, Your Pals bring you Foz the Hook’s Summer Games! – a pageant of moving comedy songs of Olympic proportions.  We have songs!  We have guest performers!  We have FtH! 

What else do you want?  Bagpipes, did you say?  Alright then, Bagpipes it is!

Did you say “Oh Foz, I love FtH, but I have always wished you would play more Gershwin polkas with Accordion.”  Heard and done!

 Did someone else say “I never go to FtH shows unless I can be assured there will be frozen haggis tossing.  It’s just my thing.”  A reasonable request: It shall be done!

I heard another little voice whisper “FtH is ok, but there are not nearly enough people named ‘Kate’ or even ‘Cait’.  Can you get more of those?”  You want a Kate and Cait?  Done and done!

Yes, Citizens!  Tonight at 8:45 at Cole’s Before the Cole's Comedy Holy S*&T Open Mic, FtH presents Foz the Hook’s Summer Games!

Starring, Your Pals, FtH!

Featuring:

Maria Wojciechowski, the polka Queen of Kukamunga! 

The K/Cai/tes, two singing females who are called Kate or Cait! 

Jason Earl Folks, whose simmering anger at nothing in particular is set to boil over in an inappropriate maelstrom of hilarity! 

Krystal LaFianza-Pitzen, who is too darn hot to describe here! 

Rachel Ortiz!  A Classy Lady with a brand new name!

So come out to Cole’s, 2338 N. Milwaukee in Chicago tonight at 8:45. 

Foz the Hook’s Summer Games will be greatest Foz the Hook Pageant until Halloween!