A Bonnie Show

Dear Babies,

Your Pal Foz is back in town from his holiday excursion to Kansas City.  Everything is up to date there, as exemplified by this grand pic of the latest model currently on sale down at the old Pope Toledo shop.

You were probably wondering when FtH would have bagpipes in the show, and the answer is Tonight!

Gwwaaaaa-What?

Yes, that's right!  We got us a piper for tonight's unbelievable, unimpeachable, unparalleled FtH Return to Cole's show.

There is more to say, but why bother?  There will be bagpipes at Cole's tonight!

That's Cole's Highland Comedy night, featuring Cameron "Highlander" Esposito, and Adam "Best Not Bring Up Scotland" Burke.  There will also be a long list of You.

It begins at 9:00.  It never ends - just like the Bagpipes!

War on Christmas Reprise!

Hey, Cole’s Babies!

I have great news.  Cameron Esposito and Adam Burke are not through with their holiday cheers.  They are proclaiming a Chole’s Chappy Chanukah  Chmerry Christmas party for tonight!  That is fantastic news!

With that in mind, Your Pals FtH will reprise last week’s FtH War on Christmas performance, but with different musicians playing other songs. 

There will be no Grinch Karaoke, because it is too emotionally draining for Olde Foz, who can’t help but get teary-eyed when he sees his little Colesistas singing The Grinch Song.  The only thing that might get Foz to play Grinch Karaoke again, would, maybe, be if he decides he wants to.

So come to Cole’s tonight at 9:00 to help FtH carry out a shock and awe strike on the Baby Jesus!  U.S.A.! U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!

A Christmas Massacre

Every year Your Pals at FtH conduct a Christmas Pageant in cooperation with Cole’s Bar.  That amazing spectacle will be occurring tonight at 9:00!

This is where we conduct our annual War on Christmas.  Like any good war, our War on Christmas includes a massacre.  In this case, it is the Massacre of the Snow People by the bloodthirsty war criminal known as “Tootie.”  The truth of the massacre, which seems to have occurred at the Battle of St. Louis in 1944, has long been suppressed by the Government, but rare footage of it appears at the 4:30 point in this newly discovered video footage.

An investigation by the International Criminal Court in The Hague found that Tootie decapitated the Snow People because, “Not everybody's going to New York. I'd rather kill them if we can't take them with us."  The grave judges had never heard a more blood chilling explication of mayhem that the cold-eyed “reasoning” of the gassy monster, Tootie.

Tonight we continue our War on Christmas with the help of Andy Oloffson on bass, Ian Capilouto on harp, Jason Earl Folks on Reindeer, and the lovely Duchess of Despair, Krystal Lafianza Pitzen!  After we reenact the Massacre of the Snow People, we will bring You up on stage for Grinch Karaoke – a Cole’s fave!

Be at Cole’s tonight by 8:45 for the 9:00 performance of Foz the Hook’s Christmas Pageant! 

A Feminist Post

Dear Hookers,

Don’t take that the wrong way, babies!  I am calling you hookers in the best possible context.  What?!?!  I am merely stating that you have sex with strange men for money.  It’s an exotic and glamorous line of work that a woman could choose, like comptroller, or firefighter, or jet pilot, or hooker.  What little girl doesn’t dream of the day a rich man in a suit will give her a huge diamond necklace like the one Julia Roberts gets in the film Pretty Woman, just for agreeing to have sex for money?  It’s a little girl’s dream – like unicorns, or ponies, or P.O.N.Y.  And then she won’t have to take all those classes required of candidates for comptroller positions. 

Here is a picture of Julia getting her big necklace.  She sure is pretty.

The preceding was a joke, if you didn’t figure that out yet.  If you wish to learn a little about Olde Foz’s opinions of the sex trade, just take a listen to The Old Dry Rub, from our debut album, Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces.  

“It’s not so bad when they don’t fall in love!”

You might even think of buying it, cuz, you know, Your Pals in FtH might be whores for comedy, but we are not sluts.  At some point you got to pay.

Which reminds me – next week FtH will be presenting our annual Cole’s Comedy Christmas Pagent, FEATURING your favorite sing ‘a ‘long game, Grinch Karaoke.  You know what that is.  We play the Grinch song while you come up on stage and sing it.  It is always a hoot!  That will be next week, Wednesday, December 14 at Cole’s before Cole’s Bigass Comedy Open Mic featuring Cameron Esposito and Adam Burke.

Come tonight too.  It will be a regular Bigass Open Mic with FtH playing at 9:00, and the comics doing whatever they do at 9:30.

Also, with reference to the romantic topic we led with today, come February, FtH will be featuring another holiday pageant called Olde Foz’s Poison Valentines.

You will like that too, because Foz will be acting out scenes from Pretty Woman with ladies from the audience.

How dignified it will be.