Foz's Metrosexual Preversion

Dear Honeybunches,

I can't wait to see you later tonight at Cole's, where we will sip Martinis and nibble Camembert. You see, Your Old Flame Foz got up this morning and decided to go full-on Metrosexual for tonight's comedy open mic.

Sadly, the medicine cabinet was bare of persimmon facial scrub, so I had to scrape my face with a cheese knife. I was out of eau de toilette, but I did go to the toilet, so I should be less irritable, if not overly scented when we hook up. Finally, I went in to the closet and there it was, my super sexy Anthropologie sale bin striped shirt that is kind of shiney. By the time I came back out of the closet I looked just like the fabulous Metro you see above.

Do you want to go see Sex and the City 2 before we go over to Cole's? No? (Thank Gawd!). You know I am up for anything you like, hot stuff. Just you wait here while I mess up my hair just enough to be seen in public. Then we'll be on our way.

Check out Cole's Comedy Open Mic tonight at Cole's. Foz the Hook opens the festivities at 9:00, and Adam Burke brings up the comics at 9:30. But beware! The last two weeks we have had so many amazing comics on the list that we had to start early, with FtH at 8:45, and Adam Burke at 9:15. It could happen again, so if you want to buy Foz a Cosmo, you had better be there by 8:30.

I'm not afraid to say I love you.

Which Rolling Stone Would You Sleep With?

I think we all just assume that Mick Jagger does dudes and dudettes, but this pic reminds us of how awesome The Stones' hair used to be. I mean, what self-respecting American man would refuse the chance to have wild, drug-fueled sex with Mick Jagger? Fortunately for the Great Republic of the West, the ratings for The Bachelor indicate that we do not have much self respect. That's why Mick sticks with the ladies when he's in America.

Speaking of ladies, Ladies! Your Old Boyfriend Foz will be playing tonight with the comics at Cole's Wednesday night open mic. There will be a sweet set list that will include not-too-many Rolling Stones tunes (actually none, which will be a relief to Patrick and Leon). Be there by 8ish to buy us drinks and sign up if you are a comic. Foz the Hook plays at 9:00! Cameron Esposito and Adam Burke and the comics crack you up at 9:30. Get some satisfaction, babies! Wooot!*

* I don't know what "Woot" means. Please let me know your opinions in the comments section below.

PS: Toy Story 3 is pretty good.
PPS: Was the post script inappropriate considering the "drug-fueled sex" nature of the rest of the post? Please let me know your opinions in the comments section below.

Foz the Hook's Amazing Recording Triumph!

Yes, my friends. We are the champions, my friends, and while it is likely that we will cease fighting well before the end (whenever that might be), to us, and to our sweet sweet beloved booze, we will be The Champions of the World. It's a big job. Here is a photo Foz singing FtH's huge hit, We Are the Champions back in the 70's. Those are Leon's hands in the background. He was five back then.

Did you know that Your Old Buddy Foz, and Your Buddies Patrick and Leon got together last Sunday and recorded six of your favorite FtH songs so that someday soon you will be able to listen whenever you want? Do you want to know which songs they were? Then you will have to come to Cole's tonight for our 9:00 opening set for Cole's comedy open mic. We will play the "recorded material"set just for you, babies.

Then your favorite comics, led by their charismatic cult leaders Cameron Esposito and Adam Burke, will spin wild tales of funny. You will laugh like a hydrangea!

Game Six!!!!!

I love Game Sixes! I think Game Sixes are always the best games. For some reason all-or-nothing showdowns in Game 7 seem to turn out to be blowouts.

But Game Sixes are always great. Somebody is always fighting to live one more day, while someone else knows if they don't put the other guy away, they might lose it all.

Illustrated above is a fine pic of one of the great games sixes in baseball history, the night in 1985 when Jorge Orta was safe at first and Kansas City broke the back of St. Louis. As we can see from the photo, Orta obviously beat stache guy (I think it was Todd Worrell) by so many steps that he was able to leap backwards off of first base, and almost beat the throw twice.

And, oh, to whatever broken-spirited Cards fan who photoshopped the fantasy championship pennant into the photo, why did you choose a photo of THIS play to illustrate your delusion? Why not a pic of Jack Clark dropping an easy foul pop? Why not a picture of the Cards scoring only once in the previous eight innings, thus putting your team in a position where an a blown call could hurt them? Why not a picture of the Cards failing to put the Royals away in Game 5?

Tonight the Chicago Blackhawks have a chance to put away the Flyers. I think it will probably be the greatest hockey game ever. And some free advice for the Blackhawks, "Don't give the Flyers five outs in the ninth inning if you are only up by one goal. They will likely take you up on that offer."

Yet, I am not going to watch (all of) it. Why?

Because I am going to be with you, beautiful! We'll drink a few beers at Cole's and watch Cameron Esposito or Adam Burke lead the Cole's Comics on a riotous adventure through the championship city. Old Leon and Old Patrick are working up their parts for Chelsea Dagger right now. So join Foz the Hook tonight at Cole's at 9:00 o'clock. The comics start at 9:30.

Unless you would prefer to watch Jorge Orta beat the Cards at hockey again.

I love games sixes!

Yea Black Hawk!

It's the Stanley Cup Finals and as of today the Chicago Blackhawks are up 3 games to 2 over the Philly Flyers! Yea!!

In honor the Chi squad, led by Winnipeg native Jonathan Toews (That's pronounced "Taves"), Your Old Buddy Foz dedicates this post to the story of the great (he was actually old and quite feeble) Illini chief (He was Sauk) Black Hawk!

Here's the story, so get ready to cheer a lot! In the summer of 1832 Chief Black Hawk led a band of desperately starving Sauk and Fox Native American folks (Old people, women and children!) across the Mississippi River from Ioway (Hawkeyes!) to his recently dispossessed lands in Illinois (Fighting Illini!). Being a not-overly-effective leader of people, Black Hawk did this without the permission of the new owners, the White American people (U.S.A.! U.S.A! U.S.A!). This was an unpopular move among the Whities.

Also, probably as a result of his oldness and feebleness (from starving!), Black Hawk did little to control the small number (50-75) of young thuggish "warrior" types that only wanted to make trouble for The White Man. Well, the Whites would probably have killed Black Hawk and all his pathetically starving people anyway, but once the young thugs killed off a few pioneer fams, and kidnapped some ladies (Ladies Night! Yea!), it was genocide time on the prairies of the Prairie State (Cue Chelsea Dagger!).

I won't go into all the details. That's what history books are for (Read a book; it's good for you). Let's just say that there weren't many starving women and children left by the time the U.S. Army got done doing it's thing (That's Army Strong!). I think most of the mean Indians who killed pioneer families got away. Old people are just easier to catch (Call your grandma today!).

That's all for today, my sexies. Meet Old Foz tonight, along with Leon "Black Fish" Strokes and Patrick, as Foz the Hook plays their monthly headliner at Cole's. Cole's, as you know is at 2338 N. Milwaukee. We're going to raise a toast to The Blackhawks - and Black Hawk! Exploit! Exploit! Exploit! Yeaaaaaaaaaaa. Exploit!

Foz's Hockey Triumph!

I played right wing for Cates Sheet Metal back in pee wee hockey days in Kansas.

Dustin Byfuglien of the Chicago Blackhawks also plays right wing. The Blackhawks are currently contending for the Stanley Cup, and lead the Philly squad 2 games to 1. The comparisons end there. Buff is from Minnesota.

Our coach for Cates Sheet Metal was also from Minnesota, or maybe Canada. I forget. For ten-year-old kids this guy was pretty much the coolest thing ever. He was maybe 22-23 years old, had a mullet and a pencil-thin mustache, and he worked at a rendering plant during the day while pursuing his dream (we presumed) of coaching pee wee hockey nights and weekends. I didn’t have a fully formed idea of girls at that time, but I was sure that stache got Coach plenty of action, if you know what I mean. And I didn’t know what I meant.

We were bad, and I wasn’t much help. I don’t think Cates Sheet Metal won a game that year. I know what you’re thinking: “But Foz, how could you have been a sucky pee wee hockey winger? You know how to play piano.” The simple answer to that is that Your Old Buddy Foz did not know how to play piano at that time. I picked that skill up later.

Here is the time I almost scored a goal: I was standing in the crease, trying not to fall down, when the puck came bouncing along. I had an open net because my buddy Brian, the other team’s goalie (but he was the goalie on my team the season before) was out of position. As I swiped the puck with an awkward back-handed slap, Brian made a brilliant move by falling on his face. My puck hit Brian in the head and bounced away. I never did score a goal that season. If you are not familiar with the sport of hockey, I should tell you that right wingers should probably score some goals. That’s kind of what they are on the ice for. My good buddy Buff – mentioned above – scores quite a few goals.

Which brings us to the story I promised you yesterday.

It was the last game of the season, and we had not won a game. Actually, it wasn’t even going to be a real game, so the possibility of winning one game was already gone. It was a ten minute exhibition match played between periods of a Kansas City Red Wings game. KC hosted a minor league affiliate of the Detroit Red Wings at one time.

Wait! Maybe that was why Coach was in Kansas City, knocking cows on the head and teaching kids to skate. He might have been trying to break into the pros. It would make sense.

So we were suiting up in our grown-ups locker room at Kemper Arena, and wondering what it would be like to play in front of five or ten thousand people, when one of the opposing team’s defensemen came sauntering in. I can’t remember his name, but he was on the same team with me and Brian the year before. Good guy.

Anyway, he announced that his team had been thinking it over, and they had decided that they wanted to have a bench-clearing brawl with us. Now, fighting was strictly forbidden in our pee wee league. Having even one fight could get you suspended for the whole season. But what The Man had failed to consider when making The Rules was that if The Kids had a bench-clearing brawl in Kemper Arena on the last day of the season, there wasn’t much to be done about it.

So we made a plan. We would skate around some, and when time was almost out they would let our team rush their net, and once we got crowded up in the crease we would start throwing punches. And that is how it worked out.

I was on the bench when everything went down, of course. I vaulted over the boards and headed for the scrum. The crowd went wild. I got down to the fight just in time to bounce off the fringes of the combat and fall down. I wrestled some kid for a while, and then we got tired and went back to the bench. As I got back there was Some Guy from the arena screaming at Coach how this was a big disgrace, and he’d never blah blah blah. That was a pretty heavenly thing for ten-year-old boys to see – some grown-up jerk-o with a bald spot flipping out because we broke his rules.

As I left the bench with the other kids we passed the Red Wings, who were waiting to come out for the third period. They thought it was all hilarious, and there were high-fives all around. And yes, the crowd went wild.

We later learned that during the fight the puck accidentally slid into the other team’s net. So we won! Kind of !

Best hockey game ever.

Monkeyshines!

That's right, kittens!

Tonight is the night after the night after Memorial Day when you promised yourself you would be at Cole's to see the comics. Don't miss it, because tomorrow will be too late to be the night after the night after Memorial Day. There will be no comics tomorrow night, and worst of all, there will be no Foz the Hook to open your evening of monkeyshines.

Funny word, monkeyshines. Used to amazing effect in Inglorious Basterds.

I don't have much to say. You will have to wait at least one more day to read about the greatest pee wee hockey fight ever, when Little Old Foz was a winger for Cates Sheet Metal.

But if you come out to Cole's tonight, maybe Old Old Foz will tell you in person. Ladies? Be at Cole's by 8:30 tonight. Foz the Hook starts playing at 9:00, and the comics go on at 9:30.

Why is Everything Porn?

How many times have you asked your self this question? I do almost every day. All I wanted was a picture to illustrate my now-delayed post on a great fight I had when I was in pee wee hockey. I did a Google Image search on pee wee hockey fight, and I got a video of Jenna Jamison riding a machine. Good for Jenna! Good for the machine!

Now where's my cute picture of little kids in hockey gear waling on each other? I finally found it further down on the page I went to, and include it above. It's adorable! Jenna riding a machine is not adorable. She's a naked lady, and that aint bad, but it's not adorable.

Please Mr. Google. Just give me what I want when I want it. When I Google "Jenna Jamison rides a machine (naked lady)," then you can show me pictures of that. When I Google "peewee hockey fight," I don't mean it in a dirty way. How exactly could that be dirty, anyway.