Wake Up! Time to Die!

Hey, look!  It’s 2014!

Was 2014 the year you always expected to die?

Probably not.

Is This Your Year?

William Shakespeare was born the same year I was, in last digits.  He died in 1616.  He wrote thirty-two plays (I guess – I’m not going to look it up).  He also wrote two hundred eight poems (almost certainly not, but I’m not going to look that up either).  My life span will equal his in two years.  Up to this time I have written zero plays (that is exactly accurate), and my best poem is probably The Ballad of Casino Kit.  My friend, Jeff Drake, wrote the words to With Drunk Astronauts.  Does this mean I should get busy making something worthwhile in my limited time on earth?  Of course not.  We have much better medical care now than in 1616 England.  My brain will probably live on in a jar of formaldehyde and control an external organic robot (replicant?) made by a 3-D printer.  I choose talking dog.

Anyway, it’s the new year, and that’s no big deal.  You probably won’t die, but you might. 

The Bard of Avon.  A Huge Disappointment.

Don’t waste your time writing plays.  You won’t write any that are as good as Shakespeare.  Well, you might write one that is better than Timon of Athens.  Is that really your goal?

Just relax and get a drink.  Life is sweet.

Join Foz the Hook at Cole’s tonight at 8:45 as we begin our fourth year of playing Cole’s Comedy Open Mic!  At approximately fifty-two performances a year, that makes two hundred eight shows.

Suck on that, Bard of Avon!

Be Safe This Holiday Weekend

Listen to your Old Pal Foz, my friends. I know how much fun it is to get a little wild while celebrating the 4th of July, but please be careful out there this weekend. Don't mix alcohol in if you wish to make safe fireworks. Just protect yourselves, that's all Foz is saying. Like it says here in an old favorite poster that Jeff Drake found, you can't beat the Axis if you get VD.

After you have your safe good times this weekend join FtH for some distinctly risky behavior at Cole's this coming Monday night, July 5th. Your Buddies begin playing at 9:00, and we go until we finish. So come on out to Cole's to put a cap on your holiday weekend. Your Crush Foz will be drinking whiskey, ladies, so get ready to make some poor life choices.

Christmas in May

It is important for any artist to keep well-worn material fresh and new. Last night Your Old Buddy Foz and Patrick and Leon rolled out a holiday favorite for the comics and the drunks at Cole's, Sex For Christmas. You will remember Sex For Christmas as a favorite last December during Cole's Great Naked Christmas Party. It got a good reaction in May too, although, as you can see by the accompanying photo, Foz is not naked. Or rather, he is not naked per se. He is naked in his soul, as you can see here, as he croons:

Oooooh, sex for Christmas,
Oooooh, under the tree,
Oooooh, sex for Christmas,
Sex for Christmas, that's for me!
(Lyrics by Jeff Drake, circa 1984)

(Music too)

Thanks to Jeff Hopkins for posting some digital evidence of last night's craziness. The boys played some kind of crazy set, including the debut of I'm Gonna Be Sick (Granny Granny), a fine rendition of Broken Bicycles featuring Leon comping on bass,(that's right, we play sad songs too, sometimes) and the (as usual) rip roaring With Drunk Astronauts.

And then Adam Burke came along and the comics got down to business.

See you at Cole's next week.

Shhh! The TV is on.

I got nothin. Check out Drake's Cake's.

Also, buy this.

Foz the Hook Enhances Your Pleasure.

We're all grown-ups here (If you're not, get the hell out of my yard, you no-good kids!). Foz knows that you like to enhance the pleasure of your experience insofar as you can. Foz also knows that there are various fun toys you can use to make your personal satisfaction more intense.

That's why Foz has made a number of improvements to FozBlog that will keep you coming back for more of our sweet-honied stuff.

First, at the left you will see a list of Allied artists, whose vigorous efforts bring me to howling fits of passionate laughter. Adam Burke and Cameron Esposito are chief among the comics that FozBlog wants you to follow. This is actually just because Adam and Cameron are the hosts of the Cole's Wednesday Open Mic. Many of the other regulars, such as Mo Welch, Ryan Walker, Kevin Hogan, or Natalie Jose are just as likely to bring you to comic climax.

Also available are several Bobby and the Chuxx related links which will provide you with hours of listening and reading pleasure. Note that the two latest Chuxx albums are always available to you as CD's or digital downloads from CD Baby. Chuxx songs are also available for purchase at I-Tunes. Sometimes you have to pay for love. You just do.

Also, for those who need visual stimulation to resolve their unfulfilled needs, I have created a video bar at the bottom of this page, and tuned it in to the best Funny or Die channel I ever heard of - Jeff Drake and Wendy Molyneaux's PuddingCanyon. Now you don't even need a TV. You can watch it at FozBlog.

Now that it seems we will be spending all of our time together, just take your shoes off and relax. Put those sleepy dogs up and let old Foz mix you a drink. Need a back rub? Old Foz gives good back rubs. I think you got a little something in your eye. Let me just get that for you.

(cue porn music)

Motor Botox

Is it Wednesday already? Am I back from Los Angeles already? Is there snow on the ground? Will the comics be complaining about stuff at Cole's tonight? Do I need a drink?

You know the answer: Yes, to all of the above!

Be at Cole's at 8:30 for the 9:00 show. Cameron Esposito and the comics will hit the stage at 9:30.

In other news:

Listen, old Foz knows how much his readers like their soft core porn, but you know you can't watch it at work because The Man will give you a hastle. That's why I am posting the attached picture of a pretty lady with totally nude hands.

You know what else is pretty about the lady? Her face. You see, the Good Lord cursed this lady with human facial features, but through the miracle of science she has corrected that problem to provide us with a fantastic "alone time" image. Think about it in bed later tonight boys. You'll thank me later!

Oh yes. While in Los Angeles I got together with my old bass playing pal, Jeff "thos. e." Drake. We decided to write and record a song, just because we could. Well, the first idea was a song called "Motor Botox," and since we didn't want to go to the effort of thinking of another idea, we just did that one. It was pretty funny, in a dark kind of way. A real successful effort. Maybe FtH will arrange it and play it for you at Cole's some time. Here's a sample from the verse:

Where's a needle when a girl needs it,
Where's a needle when a girl needs it,
Nothing more that a lady can do,
Now that she's twenty-two.

Back to work.

See you tonight. my pretties.

FozWest

Hey kiddos!

Foz flies today.

Your old pal, Foz, will be heading to Los Angeles for work at the 43rd LA Antiquarian Book Fair. While there he will check in with such hot celebs as Jeff "thos. e." Drake from Bobby and the Chuxx, Brooke "Brooke" Dillman of Larry the Cable Guy fame, and Brooke's college flame, Brad "Brangelina" Pitt, of Brangelina fame. Fozfans will remember that our bass player, Leon "Dogfish" Strokes, once lived in Springfield, Missouri, near Brad's hometown. Leon thinks he remembers getting into a fight with Brad Pitt at a ZZ Top concert in Branson, but it might just have been Billy Gibbons.

Anyway, Old Foz will do his best to keep Brangelina together (for the good of America), by hosting a Valentine's Day to-do at his suite in the Hyatt Century hotel. He will also impregnate Octomom (at the same affair), and try to close the deal to sign her 14 kids as Foz's horn section.

Last night at Cole's FtH burned the room down with a hauntingly beautiful 30-minute set, which featured the debut - at least in FtH's act - of the 1985 Chuxx hit Theme of the Guys From France. You could tell it was good by the confused and upset silence of the crowd. We challenged their value systems, which is always funny. Also, since it was the last open mic before Valentine's Day, Foz told a story about the time Cameron Esposito suggested a weird three-way sex act with Foz and an un-named co-conspirator. Nothing came of it. Nothing needed to. It was just a lovely and tender moment shared by a lesbian comic, a middle-aged perv, and about 80 audience members.

Good times.

See you later Gators!