Egg-tinted Heartache!

Oh, babies!  My heart is breaking!

Erin Nekervis continues to show me the photos she is producing for our new album, The Old Lady Died: A Disgraceful Affair.

We are thinking of an old timey look, and Foz and Erin checked out a couple of different looks for old timey photos.  You know, not all old timey photos look alike.  What they look like depends on the kind of technology that was used at the time.

Larry and Cait dream of a better world, with better whiskey!

Back in the days of wet-plate photography – like, around the Civil War – photographers printed your pic on a little playing card-sized thingy called a carte de visite.  They used albumen and some other stuff to make their paper light sensitive.  Albumen is eggs.  Therefore, the pics look kind of sepia toned and eggy (after a while).  Look at what Erin did to this wonderful photo of Larry and Cait Bowes.  It looks like an old parlour drama, and Larry looks like a total Gentleman Caller.

Foz and Kate kinda canoodling.

Later, in the 1930s photos looked different.  I don’t know why, because, even though I am an historian, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the 20^th Century.  That’s not even history.  It’s yesterday’s news.  Still, look at the spooky 1930’s-looking pic of a rakish reeling Foz with a beautiful, but soon to be ruined, Kate Adams. 

No, Kate!  Don’t kiss that drunkard!  You will be ruined!  You will never find a man to take care of you, and you will be reduced to making your own way in the world by writing and singing beautiful songs. 

Poor girl!  Poor, poor, girl.

Come to Cole’s tonight and comfort poor Kate by buying her drinks during Cole’s Comedy Open Mic.  If Kate doesn’t make the scene, just buy Foz a few drinks to salve his ruined conscience and his pounding headache.

FtH plays at 8:45 or 9:00, and the comics go crazy after that.

Boring Nightmares!

Hey, Dreamsnake!  Cut it out!

You know I’m just going to wake up.  You can try to eat my hand all night, but I’m just going to wake up and go pee. So, why do you even bother?

What more, you are on TV.  You’re not even a real snake in my dream!  I am watching TV, and there is a NOVA on about snakes in Arizona that eat people who get caught in barbed wire fences.  The people get caught in the fence, and their really expensive alligator-skin cowboy boots stick up in the air until you – the snake – come and eat them while they scream and scream and scream…

But you’re not real.  Not even in my dream are you real, because even in my dream I am watching you on the TV. 

So, when you sneak up behind the couch and eat my hand that is resting up on the back of the couch, I am not going to scream and scream and scream.  Because you are on TV, AND you are only a snake in my dream.

I’ll just wake up, and go pee.  Maybe, I’ll get a glass of milk and go back to bed.

So, why, when you know you will never eat my hand in real life, did you re-run yourself in my dreams three times, after I ignored you and woke up three times.

Huh?  Why do you think I will be terrified the second time I dream you the exact same way when I just woke up and shut you off?  Why did you think I would be terrified the third time I had the exact same dream the same night?

It’s not working.  I’m not scared of you.  Whiskey will protect me from you.  It always does.

The rest of you:  Patrick isn’t available tonight, so come to Cole’s and watch Foz and Larry play whatever comes to mind and talk about snake dreams.  We start at 845 or 900.  The comics go after that.  I wonder what they dream about?

Meet Cute Tonight at Cole's

Oh, my cuties!

What a beautiful day it is!  It is a day for love and for romance.  A day when there is magic in the air.  A day when that very special thing might just happen for you. 

You might meet him walking down the street. 

You might jump out of a cab and run right into her.  Sure, she’ll be all aggravated at first.  She’s a professional gal that doesn’t have time for you, but tonight she will sip margaritas with her sassy urban-looking friend and complain that there are no good men out there.  Then she will find the presentation thumb drive you accidentally dropped into her hand bag when you were fighting over the cab, and she will call you in an effort to give it back, but she can only meet you as you are going in to the Manhattan high rise to make your presentation to the White Man with the urban-looking assistant.   Then you will spill coffee on the White Man and he’ll get really mad, but at the last minute it will turn out that your meet cute girl is his Incorrigible Daughter, and you get the contract, and she will be your new Quirky Girlfriend. 

Later, after the credits roll, you will sleep with her urban-looking girlfriend, but you will then find out she has been sleeping with David Patraeus.  Isn’t life a free-spirited goofy romp?  Ah, amore!

If hilarious romantic hijinks are your thing, come to Cole’s tonight at 9:00, as Your Pals in Foz the Hook present:

Leah and Patrick’s Pre-Wedding Cole’s Open Mic Concert!

Featuring:  Your Pals, Foz the Hook!

And

Nobody Else!

Be there at 8:30 for a 9:00-ish show, followed by Cole’s Meet Cute Open Mic.

It will be the closest you get to having a big, crazy, Hollywood wedding with Leah and Patrick! 

Bring the birth control of your choice.  This is your big opportunity to make a terrible, terrible mistake!  Foz will be there to enable the whole, disgraceful thing.

Congratulations, kids!  It couldn’t have happened to nicer people!

Revenge of the Morose Zombie Brain

My MOROSE BRAIN has been giving me trouble for the past day or so.  Actually, I think it dates back to late last week, when a very important record I had going came to an end, while another continued right on.  Both records represent personal worsts, and if the results had been opposite for each, I would not now be wrestling with Morose Brain.  Nevertheless, my brain doesn’t much care for any of you right now, although you still have my undying affections.  Let’s meet tomorrow night at Cole’s and we will all sing the good songs and get roaring happy.

For now, I will re-post one of the better nights my brain gave me within the last year, just so you know my Regular Brain is still in there.  That’s right, what follows is a product of my regular brain.  Want to learn more, ladies?  Be at Cole’s tomorrow night at 9:00!

"So last night I had a great Dawn of the Dead dream.

It started with the Zombie Apocalypse, at night, on the manicured front lawns of a suburban neighborhood.  I wasn’t one of the Zombies, which is unusual for my dreams.  Usually, whether it’s a vampire dream or a ghost dream, or whatever, I am the thing it is about.  Revealing, huh?

Anyway, this time it was Zombie Apocalypse, and I was one of the live ones who were running away.  I was trying my best to remember everything I learned about surviving the Zombie Apocalypse from Dawn of the Dead.  I would probably have done better if I tried to remember the lessons from Zombieland.  They were more useful.  But I belong to certain generation, and our Zombies were slow and went to the mall.

We ran across these suburban lawns, fleeing the Zombies in the dark, and dodged into this super modern house.  We wanted to hide from the Zombies, but the house was so modern that it had floor to ceiling windows in every room.  Even when we went to the basement there was a sliding glass door that looked out onto the back yard.  So the Zombies were all pounding on the windows and breaking through.  We had to make a run for it.

An Old Lady Zombie almost caught me, but I got away.  Revealing, huh!?!?

Then it was morning, and me and This Other Guy got on mountain bikes and went out exploring.  In MY dreams Zombies only feed at night.  They were Vampire Zombies!  Me and This Other Guy went down to the old high school parking lot and rode the mountain bikes around.  There was a long set of stairs and we rode down them.  It was really fun, and My Brain really ratcheted up the whole dream-falling sensation for max effect.  It was pretty awesome.

Then My Brain decided to return to the Zombie theme.

We were all in the kitchen, cooking spaghetti sauce (not surprising because I made some exquisite red sauce for supper last night.  Ate it over Gnocchi with a tasty Chardonnay that FozSis sent me.  That’s right, you arrogant pigs!  I drank Chardonnay with red sauce.  Just try and stop me!). 

Well, we were cooking and the Old Lady Zombie was starting to get really affectionate with me.  She wanted to sniff my arm.  That didn’t seem right to me on a couple of levels.  But then there was this fastidious Jerko Guy (like Dr. Smith on Lost in Space) who was all “Oh, you have to let the Zombie smell your arm because you have to respect your elders.”  I said “Listen, Jerko.  You’re the one who let the Zombie in the kitchen.”  And then I listed a couple of other things about him that I didn’t like.

Then I did this:

I said, “Hey, Bob, shoot this guy,” and Bob took out a gun and shot the guy in the head.  There were pretty good special effects on that one, I’m telling you.  Then Bob turned back to the red sauce and kept stirring.  You have to do that or it burns.  Revealing, huh!?!?

Then I had a moral conundrum.  Why did I order Bob to kill the live guy, and leave the Old Lady Zombie upright?

1. Do Zombies outrank fastidious assholes?

2. Do I really respect my elders?

3. Am I so starved for affection that even Old Lady Zombies seem pretty hot, provided they show some interest?

Only one of these statements is true, and I think you know which one it is.

Finally, go to Cole’s.  I need to know what you think of me."