Wait for it!!!

Well, my dear Foziacs.

I promised big news and you will have it soon enough. There will be an announcement tomorrow about the release of Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces. In fact, the Thing actually exists already, and there are a limited number of Fozistas who are passing it around and enjoying sneak previews. Even you, my lovelies, could see it right now (this very minute) if you are bright enough and motivated enough to fire up your Google Machine and go looking.

But for today, in honor of the Stanley Cup Finals, let’s reprise another FozBlog classic…

Foz’s Famous Hockey Triumph! Originally posted June 3, 2010.

I played right wing for Cates Sheet Metal back in pee wee hockey days in Kansas.

Dustin Byfuglien of the Chicago Blackhawks (Now Atlanta Thrashers 6/14/11) also plays right wing. The Blackhawks are currently contending for the Stanley Cup, and lead the Philly squad 2 games to 1. The comparisons end there. Buff is from Minnesota.

Our coach for Cates Sheet Metal was also from Minnesota, or maybe Canada. I forget. For ten-year-old kids this guy was pretty much the coolest thing ever. He was maybe 22-23 years old, had a mullet and a pencil-thin mustache, and he worked at a rendering plant during the day while pursuing his dream (we presumed) of coaching pee wee hockey nights and weekends. I didn’t have a fully formed idea of girls at that time, but I was sure that stache got Coach plenty of action, if you know what I mean. And I didn’t know what I meant.

We were bad, and I wasn’t much help. I don’t think Cates Sheet Metal won a game that year. I know what you’re thinking: “But Foz, how could you have been a sucky pee wee hockey winger? You know how to play piano.” The simple answer to that is that Your Old Buddy Foz did not know how to play piano at that time. I picked that skill up later.

Here is the time I almost scored a goal: I was standing in the crease, trying not to fall down, when the puck came bouncing along. I had an open net because my buddy Brian, the other team’s goalie (but he was the goalie on my team the season before) was out of position. As I swiped the puck with an awkward back-handed slap, Brian made a brilliant move by falling on his face. My puck hit Brian in the head and bounced away. I never did score a goal that season. If you are not familiar with the sport of hockey, I should tell you that right wingers should probably score some goals. That’s kind of what they are on the ice for. My good buddy Buff – mentioned above – scores quite a few goals.

Which brings us to the story I promised you yesterday.

It was the last game of the season, and we had not won a game. Actually, it wasn’t even going to be a real game, so the possibility of winning one game was already gone. It was a ten minute exhibition match played between periods of a Kansas City Red Wings game. KC hosted a minor league affiliate of the Detroit Red Wings at one time.

Wait! Maybe that was why Coach was in Kansas City, knocking cows on the head and teaching kids to skate. He might have been trying to break into the pros. It would make sense.

So we were suiting up in our grown-ups locker room at Kemper Arena, and wondering what it would be like to play in front of five or ten thousand people, when one of the opposing team’s defensemen came sauntering in. I can’t remember his name, but he was on the same team with me and Brian the year before. Good guy.

Anyway, he announced that his team had been thinking it over, and they had decided that they wanted to have a bench-clearing brawl with us. Now, fighting was strictly forbidden in our pee wee league. Having even one fight could get you suspended for the whole season. But what The Man had failed to consider when making The Rules was that if The Kids had a bench-clearing brawl in Kemper Arena on the last day of the season, there wasn’t much to be done about it.

So we made a plan. We would skate around some, and when time was almost out they would let our team rush their net, and once we got crowded up in the crease we would start throwing punches. And that is how it worked out.

I was on the bench when everything went down, of course. I vaulted over the boards and headed for the scrum. The crowd went wild. I got down to the fight just in time to bounce off the fringes of the combat and fall down. I wrestled some kid for a while, and then we got tired and went back to the bench. As I got back there was Some Guy from the arena screaming at Coach how this was a big disgrace, and he’d never blah blah blah. That was a pretty heavenly thing for ten-year-old boys to see – some grown-up jerk-o with a bald spot flipping out because we broke his rules.

As I left the bench with the other kids we passed the Red Wings, who were waiting to come out for the third period. They thought it was all hilarious, and there were high-fives all around. And yes, the crowd went wild.

We later learned that during the fight the puck accidentally slid into the other team’s net. So we won! Kind of !

Best hockey game ever.