Fear No Funny

Rebate, bait your hook, hook the fish, fish the lake.
Read a map, map the trail, spare me all the details.

You get the point. Olde Foz’s old friend ϑ (Steve Revare) wrote this fascinating couplet some years ago, and included it Bobby and the Chuxx’s Ramblin Man Revisited (Lunchmeat of the Gods, 1983), the sequel to the classic Ramblin Man Song (Bobby’s Back, 1983). That Steve’s old man talking rap is not included in most accounts of the early years of the Hip Hop movement is simply an indication of the short sightedness of the drug-addled world of music journalism. Taken together, Ramblin Man Song and Ramblin Man Revisited are two of the finest works in the Chuxxian Canon.

Don’t be surprised if you see FtH take on one or the other of Steve’s great nonsense talk songs. Nonsense is one of the finest forms of comedy, and Your Pals in FtH fear no funny.

Tomorrow the band will come together again at Cole’s to begin arranging the next recording. It’s June, and as I said the other day, that means the Christmas songs need work.

In the meantime, keep buying up those songs off the Gin-Soaked Yankee page. This is the best way to enjoy Foz the Hook, and have the great pride that comes with giving us some money.

It's Christmastime!

…is what we will all be saying to each other in about six months! Also, at that time, we will probably be saying to each other, “Hey! Did you get the FtH Christmas EP.” By that time, we will all refer to Foz the Hook as FtH because the brand will be so new and hip, and “can’t live without-ish.”

You were asking about the next Foz the Hook project, now that Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces is on the market. Your first task is buy Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces at the digital download page.

But after that, you will wait expectantly for the release of the Christmas EP, which tentatively will feature Foz faves like Nasty Snowman, Downhome Christmastime, and Sex For Christmas. Who knows, maybe it will include a new arrangement of Whiskey What Done it, which has Christmas references.

But in the meantime, plan on joining Your Pals, FtH, tonight at Cole’s. We play at 9:00, like we always do, and Your Hosts Cameron and Adam begin running The List at 9:30. You will laugh and drink $2 PBR’s, like you always do.

PS (and it is a big PS): Gin-Soaked Yankee CD’s will be available for sale tonight at Cole’s from any member of the band. They cost $5.00, which You can afford. Good beers at Cole’s also cost $5.00. You do the math.

The Industrial Revolution

Well, Dollies, last night at Cole’s we offered up the new album for you to buy. A couple of you did just that, so thanks.

The Industrial Revolution marks a period of time in human history where folks really started to get the hang of process. You know, the systems whereby you do this part of a job, then the next guy does this thing, then she paints a picture on it, then this other chap sells it for a profit or whatever.

This is what Your Pals in FtH were doing last night before Cole’s Comedy Open Mic in trying to get the CD’s assembled before the show. With the help of beer we were able to assemble and sign about one third of our limited edition of one hundred signed CDs. Foz’s job was to put the stickers on the disk, so if you buy a CD, this is what they look like. Cool, huh?

As noted, we sold a couple, we also gave away a few to those who have been particularly helpful in getting Foz the Hook to the point where we actually have a product to sell. Most especially, Coleman Brice, who has provided us with a home and with beer since we started this enterprise in Shame and Disgrace. Cole was presented with disk number 1, in gratitude for all that. Hosts and friends, Cameron Esposito and Adam Burke were also presented with free copies of Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces.

Join us for the official release of the album tomorrow night at Cole’s Birthday Party. Cole is celebrating his thirtieth birthday by opening up the stage to all of the bands that feature employees of the bar, that’s pretty much everybody – seven bands. FtH goes first and plays from 7:00 – 7:45.

Gin-Soaked Yankee Drops!

FtH Group
A Subsidiary of FozCorp.

Touching ourselves and others since 2011

Press Release

For Immediate Release
Contact: Bjorn Skaptason, fozthehook@gmail.com

Chicago - June 15, 2011 - Today FtH Group, creators of Foz the Hook™ brand music, nationally recognized for producing cheerful songs about shame and disgrace, announced the release of their long-anticipated debut album Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces. The album is available for digital download, at an introductory price of $5.00 at http://fozthehook.bandcamp.com/ .

A special release of Gin-Soaked Yankee on CD, limited, numbered, and signed, will be available for $5.00, June 15 at Cole’s Bar, 2338 N. Milwaukee Ave., in Chicago at 8:00 p.m., prior to Cole’s Amazing Gut-Busting Pee-Yourself Laughing Open Mic Featuring Cameron Esposito and Adam Burke (CAG-BP-YLOMFCEaAB). CD’s will not be available between 9:00-9:30, as FtH Group personnel will be “playing music” with “instruments” for the purposes of Comedy™. CD’s will be available again after 9:30 from FtH agents at Cole’s. Inquire after Patrick, Leon, or Olde Foz for purchase.

Gin-Soaked Yankee will officially debut at Cole’s on Friday night, June 17, at 7:00, at Cole’s Birthday Party™ (CBP). Musical impresario and noted mixologist Coleman Brice will celebrate his birthday by providing an evening of music from bands associated with Cole’s Bar.

Gin-Soaked Yankee is the result of more than a year of writing, arranging, recording, drinking, falling asleep, accidentally deleting, recording again, mixing, drinking, enabling, re-mixing, and re-recording funny music, says Olde Foz, piano player and singer. “These songs are good, I think,” said Foz, who was not speaking on the record because he did not authorize himself to speak to the press. “Leave me alone,” added Leon “Cuddle Fish” Strokes, who plays bass and also sings.

Other Chicago luminaries were effusive in their praise of Foz the Hook and Gin-Soaked Yankee. Bob Palos, a mostly sober comic says Foz the Hook “is Randy Newman with the alcoholism of Tom Waits.” Sideways-mulleted comic Cameron Esposito says, “Foz the Hook is The Muppet Show meets Tom Waits. A thinking man's funny band, Foz's tunes are pure poetic sing-a-long. The energy and conviction of the band are matched perfectly with the music's lyrical strength of force. Wanna cry while laughing about astronauts, alcohol and the moon? These are your guys. And if you don't wanna cry while laughing about astronauts, alcohol and the moon, these are the guys to change your mind.”

Foz the Hook can be seen each Wednesday night at Cole’s for CAG-BP-YLOMFCEaAB. Shows start at 9:00.

################ End

Wait for it!!!

Well, my dear Foziacs.

I promised big news and you will have it soon enough. There will be an announcement tomorrow about the release of Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces. In fact, the Thing actually exists already, and there are a limited number of Fozistas who are passing it around and enjoying sneak previews. Even you, my lovelies, could see it right now (this very minute) if you are bright enough and motivated enough to fire up your Google Machine and go looking.

But for today, in honor of the Stanley Cup Finals, let’s reprise another FozBlog classic…

Foz’s Famous Hockey Triumph! Originally posted June 3, 2010.

I played right wing for Cates Sheet Metal back in pee wee hockey days in Kansas.

Dustin Byfuglien of the Chicago Blackhawks (Now Atlanta Thrashers 6/14/11) also plays right wing. The Blackhawks are currently contending for the Stanley Cup, and lead the Philly squad 2 games to 1. The comparisons end there. Buff is from Minnesota.

Our coach for Cates Sheet Metal was also from Minnesota, or maybe Canada. I forget. For ten-year-old kids this guy was pretty much the coolest thing ever. He was maybe 22-23 years old, had a mullet and a pencil-thin mustache, and he worked at a rendering plant during the day while pursuing his dream (we presumed) of coaching pee wee hockey nights and weekends. I didn’t have a fully formed idea of girls at that time, but I was sure that stache got Coach plenty of action, if you know what I mean. And I didn’t know what I meant.

We were bad, and I wasn’t much help. I don’t think Cates Sheet Metal won a game that year. I know what you’re thinking: “But Foz, how could you have been a sucky pee wee hockey winger? You know how to play piano.” The simple answer to that is that Your Old Buddy Foz did not know how to play piano at that time. I picked that skill up later.

Here is the time I almost scored a goal: I was standing in the crease, trying not to fall down, when the puck came bouncing along. I had an open net because my buddy Brian, the other team’s goalie (but he was the goalie on my team the season before) was out of position. As I swiped the puck with an awkward back-handed slap, Brian made a brilliant move by falling on his face. My puck hit Brian in the head and bounced away. I never did score a goal that season. If you are not familiar with the sport of hockey, I should tell you that right wingers should probably score some goals. That’s kind of what they are on the ice for. My good buddy Buff – mentioned above – scores quite a few goals.

Which brings us to the story I promised you yesterday.

It was the last game of the season, and we had not won a game. Actually, it wasn’t even going to be a real game, so the possibility of winning one game was already gone. It was a ten minute exhibition match played between periods of a Kansas City Red Wings game. KC hosted a minor league affiliate of the Detroit Red Wings at one time.

Wait! Maybe that was why Coach was in Kansas City, knocking cows on the head and teaching kids to skate. He might have been trying to break into the pros. It would make sense.

So we were suiting up in our grown-ups locker room at Kemper Arena, and wondering what it would be like to play in front of five or ten thousand people, when one of the opposing team’s defensemen came sauntering in. I can’t remember his name, but he was on the same team with me and Brian the year before. Good guy.

Anyway, he announced that his team had been thinking it over, and they had decided that they wanted to have a bench-clearing brawl with us. Now, fighting was strictly forbidden in our pee wee league. Having even one fight could get you suspended for the whole season. But what The Man had failed to consider when making The Rules was that if The Kids had a bench-clearing brawl in Kemper Arena on the last day of the season, there wasn’t much to be done about it.

So we made a plan. We would skate around some, and when time was almost out they would let our team rush their net, and once we got crowded up in the crease we would start throwing punches. And that is how it worked out.

I was on the bench when everything went down, of course. I vaulted over the boards and headed for the scrum. The crowd went wild. I got down to the fight just in time to bounce off the fringes of the combat and fall down. I wrestled some kid for a while, and then we got tired and went back to the bench. As I got back there was Some Guy from the arena screaming at Coach how this was a big disgrace, and he’d never blah blah blah. That was a pretty heavenly thing for ten-year-old boys to see – some grown-up jerk-o with a bald spot flipping out because we broke his rules.

As I left the bench with the other kids we passed the Red Wings, who were waiting to come out for the third period. They thought it was all hilarious, and there were high-fives all around. And yes, the crowd went wild.

We later learned that during the fight the puck accidentally slid into the other team’s net. So we won! Kind of !

Best hockey game ever.

FozBlog Classics

Pretty soon you will see plenty of fascinating new material about the impending release of the Foz the Hook album Gin-Soaked Yankee and Other Disgraces. Suffice to say, it will be an extraordinary work of art. In the meantime, here is a FozBlog Classic entry.


Curious Brittany Dream (First published in November, 2009)


Ok, last night I had the best dream about capital punishment. I was a prisoner - not an actor playing a prisoner, but a prisoner in the "Now you're on the slab" style of prisoner. I remember thinking that death wouldn't be so bad but I definitely didn't want it to hurt. The executioner - shall we call her Brittany - assured me that she would put me to sleep before starting the poison drip. She was perky. She put a thing like a blood pressure measuring thing on my right arm.

It's called what? Never mind.

So I lay down in the middle of the floor of this conference room with its gray carpet and broad white walls with too-small cheap pictures from the office supply service. Brittany turned on the death machine which made the sphygmomanometer squeeze my arm.

Here we go!

I started to get a little sleepy but was definitely not asleep. I also got the distinct impression that Brittany thought I was out. So I made sure to say, "You know, I'm not asleep yet. Hello?"

She assured me that there was a second a anesthetic to go in before she induced my heart attack. I think she was a little annoyed with me. Maybe this happens all the time, but since I've never been killed before, how would I know?

So she turned the dead dial up to two, the squeezer did its thing, and I waited. I actually started to perk up a bit, while at the same time starting to feel quite anxious about the impending spasms of chest-clenching pain and breathlessness. I again indicated that I was not quite ready to die.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't trying to get her to not kill me. I pay my taxes, do my best to keep up with my credit cards, and meekly submit to extermination when my time comes. I also kind of hoped that Brittany liked me, so I definitely didn't want to put her off.

She came over and adjusted the thingy, while complaining that she couldn't find a vein. Now I was a little annoyed. The ladies at the blood donation center always said I had good veins. It's one of my good traits.

Anyway, she put the heart attack strap back on and went back to try the knock out drop again. Again with the anticipation of drowsiness and sleep. Again I just lay there waiting for the convulsions.

The air conditioner turned on.

Finally I just got tired of waiting and took off the sphygmomanometer. I told Brittany we would have to do this another day.

Then I got my stuff and left.