Not the Only Blog on the Internet!

Finally! Someone else used the Internet to set up a web log, or "blog," if you will. You all know that Your Pal Foz has long advocated that the Internet could be used for communication of ideas, as well as finding anonymous glory hole hookups.

Now Mo Welch (pictured here tittering at the glory hole joke I made), a funny comic, has set up a blog as part of her Mo Welch Web site.

Of particular note is this post, wherein Mo discusses the hugely popular Foz the Hook Freakshowcase that occurred back on September 6. There is even video of Mo doing a great performance that evening. Thank you for the kind words, Ms. Mo.

Final analysis: If you think you want to be Friend of Foz, you should give serious thought to being a Friend of Mo. It's because she's funny.

Thank you again, Mo, for joining the Freakshowcase on Labor Day.

The next Freakshowcase takes place on Monday, October 4, at Cole's. This most excellent program will feature Foz the Hook along with Featured Friends Lola Balatro, and comic Ever Mainard.

It is your favorite thing to do.

In a Smokey Room.

A deputation of noted citizens appeared at Cole's recently. They came looking for Your Old Buddy Foz.

The distinguished gentlemen entered Coleman Brice's establishment on a bright Tuesday afternoon, hats in hand, and inquired after Your Buddy. Travis Bartender nodded wordlessly to the back of the bar.

They walked quietly, tentatively, to the room that was dense with cigar smoke and piano music.

Old Leon "Smoked Salmon" Strokes sat at the piano, working out some new chords to his old Brian Eno bit. He stopped briefly to sip from his whiskey on the rocks and returned to the keyboard.

Old Patrick and Young Leah mulled over a brace of Domain DuPage pints, mooning the way young lovers do.

Your Pal Foz sat quietly at at a back table, dressed down to his shirtsleeves, his tie at half-mast, and his Martini half-full. A thoroughly marked-up bar napkin spread out before him seemed ready to fall apart under the burden of fractured verse and bourbon-soaked tears. Tears shed for The People.

Around Your Trusted Friend hovered his usual security entourage of fourteen roller derby thugs. They rolled toward this deputation of gentlemen with a significance that could not be ignored, and the linoleum floor creaked ominously under 112 dangerous wheels.

With a wave of his hand Your Hero calmed the Paladinas, and they grudgingly made way for the intimidated band of worthies. They approached the table, glancing uncomfortably at the Bar Napkin of Truth spread out on the table before Old Foz.

Their news was not new, nor was their mission unexpected. Mayor Richard M. Daley had finally determined that the City of Chicago was too much for him. The reigns of power had grown warm for the now-old Young Pharaoh, and he was fleeing for greener pastures.

What then, for the The People? Who would lead? Who would assume the mantel, take up the heavy burden, and bring peace and prosperity to a city groaning under The Heel of tyranny? Bloodshot eyes, and heavy, hopeless hearts turned to the one Man who could bring a new dawn. A dawn made hopeful with a glow golden as the bourbon stains on Coleman Brice's table.

Your Pal listened quietly to the humbled representatives of a damaged populace. He thanked them for their trust, and promised a response after mature consideration of his responsibilities, his family, his correspondence, and his art.

Old Foz returned to his bar napkin as the roller girls quickly guided the deputation of noted citizens to the door.

What will be Old Foz's decision? Will he accept nomination and election for Mayor of Chicago? Will The People's pleas bend his heart toward taking up the Great and Grim Responsibility of governance? Is there a bar on the fifth floor of City Hall?

On the answers to these questions the fate of the city depends.

Until that Decision is taken, Your Special Friends in Foz the Hook will continue to shake the world of Cole's every Wednesday night in conjunction with the hottest comics in Chicago at Cole's Comedy Open Mic. Join Adam Burke, Cameron Esposito(!), Mo Welch, Matt Slater, and so many others at Cole's tonight.

Foz the Hook starts the amazing set at 8:45 or 9:00 (depending on The List), and Adam tickles your psyche at 9:15 or 9:30 (depending on The List).

So join us at Cole's tonight.

FtH can neither confirm nor deny at this time, as consistent with our well known, and publicly expressed, policies (and opinions) whether Your Pal Foz will be, or currently is, the mayor of Chicago.

Now let us mix Martinis and drink to the health of The Republic!

Freakshowcase, Babies!

Hey, Freak-kittens! Your Secret Lovers in Foz the Hook want you to know that your desperate pleas for comedy on Labor Day Night are going to be answered.

You knew you were going to BBQ on Labor Day. You knew you were going to sit in the sun with your friends. You knew you were going to drink light beer and play that game where you throw bean bags at a bike ramp with a hole in it. You suspected that the lawn darts game would result in an ambulance ride (and you were right). You knew deep inside that Her Drunk Friend would not go off behind the bushes with you, although what the two of them did do when that Katy Perry song played was pretty awesome.

You knew that the neighbors who hired the Mariachi band would probably have more fun than you did. They always do. You suspected that the pinata you bought at Costco would be filled with off-brand candy that made your kids sick.

You knew that changing from light beer to Vodka Gimlets before Noon would bring up the ceviche you ate for breakfast (along with the chicken wings you found sitting on the counter from last night). And you knew that your friend from college that you rarely see would bring harsh ditch weed that you will smell in the curtains of The Baby's room for weeks. Thank goodness you had the foresight to send the kid to Grandma's.

But after all that, what do you do with your Labor Day evening? You passed out at at 3:00 in the afternoon from the ditch weed, which means you won't be sleeping tonight. Well, come on out to Cole's for Foz the Hook's Monthly Freakshowcase!

The Show starts at 9:00. You know where Cole's is at 2338 N. Milwaukee in Chicago, America. See the Freaks!

See Mo Welch's Barbie-inspired stand-up mania!

See Matt Slater's amazing musical stand-up set!

See Your Favorite Band, FtH play cheerful songs about shame and disgrace!

What a great way to wrap up a long weekend, before you go back to work on Tuesday. Remember to buy new curtains for the Kid's room before Grammy brings her home and smells the overwhelming Harsh in the nursery.

You knew all along it would work out like that.

I'm Not Blaming You

I'm just saying that these things happen, and it's ok. I know. You went to Cole's last week with the best intentions. You were going to be good. You were going to have one PBR (maybe two), do your thing if you're a comic, and go to bed early.

And then they started buying you drinks. And Travis Bartender is so dashing with that baritone voice of his - "want another?"

"Sure," you said. I've got time.

And then you started in on the Martinis - Vodka Martinis. You knew it was wrong, but everybody was laughing and having such a good time and s/he kept looking your way and smiling and you started to talk with this woman-or-man (because FtH doesn't assume), and you wanted to celebrate the surprise ruling on the Prop 8 thing, even though it doesn't apply to you (because you'll probably never get married at all), and then it all just went fuzzy.

The next thing you remember was the walk of shame through the glaring light of a 90 degree Chicago day, with everybody you saw on the street just staring and judging you - you presumed.

The only advice Your Old Pal Foz has is maybe you don't want to put that on Facebook. Grandma doesn't need to know that. We'll keep it between us.

But now the question before you: do you try it again? Do you risk another disgrace because you know can't control yourself when Cameron Esposito and the comics at Cole's start rattling the rafters? You know you can't make good judgments once Foz the Hook gets your blood up. Do you risk another personal disaster? Twice in two weeks?

OF COURSE YOU DO!!!! It's Wednesday, and that means tonight you will be at Cole's with the contents of your change jar in your pocket laughing your scalp off with the best comics in town! Will Mo Welch be there again? James Fritz? Ryan Walker? Matt Slater? We hope and think so. What we know for sure is that Your Private Confidants, FtH, will be there to wind you up, enable you to make bad decisions, and not judge you about it.

That's Cole's, tonight at 8:45 or 9:00 depending on the list. Be there by 8:30. It goes all night, or until you wake up in a strange apartment. We don't judge.

Foz's Morning After Pill

Hey baby. Baby. Baby!

You're laying on Foz's arm, sweetie. No no. It's ok. Let me just... There we go. No, beautiful, you just go on back to sleep. It's all ok.

You're in my apartment.

Foz.

Foz.

Yeh, from that band you saw last night. The guy in the suit. Yeh. Man! That was a great show, don't you think? Cameron Esposito was her usual fantastic self. The Band of a Thousand Names is a great act. I hadn't seen them before. You were really rockin it out. Weren't you?

No! You wanted to. I mean, you had a few drinks, but there weren't any roofies involved or anything.

Foz.

I'll make you some eggs or something.

Oh. Ok. Yes sure, well then....

I think they're on the kitchen floor. That's where it started.

Sure you don't want any...?

Hey! let's exchange numbers. I'll call you and we'll...

Oh. Ok. Well, you know we play tomorrow night at Cole's Comedy Open Mic. Cameron Esposito hosts, and great comics like Adam Burke and James Fritz and Mo Welch are always there. Starts at 9. Come on out and I'll buy you a....

Oh. Yeh, that makes sense. Great town, Seattle. Everyone needs a change of scenery. I get out there sometimes. Maybe I'll drop you a...

Oh yeh. Ok.

Well.

Bye.

Happy Birthday!

Hey Fozettes,

It's that big day again. You've all been waiting for it! The day when you can really let your hair down and howl!

It's Leon "McOctopii" Strokes' birthday! Buy the man some Irish whiskey.

Did you know that on July 1, 1690 King William beat King James at the battle of the Boyne, insuring that the English would rule over a small, rocky island for a while longer? There is a picture of King William up above.

Later, in 1972, there was a thing called "Bloody Sunday." And then U2 did a pretty good song about it. Better than "New Years Day." Way better that "Where The Streets Have No Name."

Some people called "Provos" made some trouble.

"Once" is a pretty good movie.

Anyway, I don't know what all these random things have in common. Probably nothing.

So it's Leon's birthday.

Be at Cole's tonight at 9:00 to buy him drinks. Foz the Hook plays at 9:00. Mo Grape Welch Belch hosts, and she's never not funny.

Comics sign up at 8:30 and no earlier, or some drunken, red-headed, mutton-chopped foreigner thugs will kneecap you.

Why is everyone wearing green?

Forty Funny Things

happened at Cole's last night as Foz the Hook opened for the open mic, which was hosted by Mo Welch and Kevin Hogan. As usual, the show featured a long list of forty comics, who did some serious funny business. There were excellent sets by the likes of Natalie Jose and Christopher Condron. Also, the comics/real people ratio seems to be down to about 2/1. The bar was full and there seemed to be sixty souls in the back room. This is getting to be one of the best free comedy shows in Chicago.

But you are here to read about the FtH set, no? Well, we took a bit of a risk by opening with Somebody Write Some Music, a spoken word beat poem. Drums and bass got rearranged into a more regular Jazz vamp, and we even added a piano intro. It was a good call, and credit is due Dan for suggesting. It turned out to be an amusing segue from background music to beginning the show, and the room gradually transitioned from chat mode to show mode. That's so much better than shouting at everybody to shut their yaps and watch the funny.

With Drunk Astronauts yada yada yada.

Dancing was reported in the back of the room during Vibrating Chicken Stomp. That's what I'm talking about! It's not like we're playing Clair de Lune here. If a barn yard song with three upsetting super-vibrato chicken blurts makes you want to writhe on the ground like you're having a Grand Mal, then just drop trow and do it.

Gin-Soaked Yankee made the list tonight, and we all agreed that it went alright. This is not a laugh out loud song, but it's super fun to play. When the vocal performance gets up to speed, I think people will get into it.

Then we used Whiskey What Done It to lead into the Mo Welch Fanfare. This was an audience participation idea, so the audience gets the credit for just how crazy it it got. Basically, Foz got the audience to start chanting "Mo! Mo! Mo!" Then we did it double-time with Patrick increasing the pulse and Dan laying down a bass drone. Finally, when the whole room was thumping "Mo," Foz screamed out Led Zepplin's Immigrant Song, naturally substituting "Mo" for Robert Plant's "Waaaaaa".

Once we turned the show over the Mo and Kevin they kept the wild going for the rest of the night.

Regular hosts Adam Burke and Cameron Esposito turned up after their date at Schuba's, and that kept things on fire for the rest of the evening. Adam and Cameron have really created a comedy monster at Cole's. Can't wait till next week.

Oh, Also! Both Dan and Patrick begged off early, saying they had to get some sleep. They were both still there drinking when Foz staggered out at last call. I love this band.

Arsenic and Sauerkraut Sandwich!

I think that's spelled right.

Last night Foz and Dan and Patrick opened the weekly comedy open mic at Cole's with a blazing six-song set to warm the room for Cameron Esposito and the comics.

Must admit it sounded better in practice, but the crowd seemed to appreciate it, assuming the laughing was intended as a gesture of appreciation. The good thing about our set is that we have some reliable hits that draw enthusiastic responses whether we're on top of our game or not. By that I mean With Drunk Astronauts, of course. Then last night we brought Cameron up with Downhome Christmastime, which is an easy song to play right.

We still need to find the right groove for Nasty Snowman, but it will come around. Mother Russia was finally too fast, which I didn't think was possible. All the instruments kept up pretty well, but Ole Foz couldn't sing the words fast enough, and even if I had sung up to tempo it would have been too tough for the audience to understand the lyrics. So we'll probably have to draw the song down to a more relaxed 180 beats per minute.

Which brings us to Grinch Karaoke v.2. We knew this was a good idea after last week's unexpected success. This week, with just a little bit of planning, the bit blew the roof off the room. The credit goes to the comics, who each took the mic for one stanza, and gave some magnificent and inspired interpretations of the Dr. Seuss classic. The best readings I could hear came from Cameron and from Chris Condron. Maybe I heard Mo Welch? The piano faces away from the mic, so I couldn't really tell who all got up, but they all deserve credit for making Grinch Karaoke about the best time I've had playing Cole's open mic.

Unfortunately, Foz will miss next week's open mic as I will be in Kansas City to see my folks and my kid sister. Patrick and Dan might play themselves, though. We are nothing if not versatile.